As our decrepit despot traipsed across Asia, he was fêted by leaders anxious to dodge his peevish trade wars by assiduously plying him, as one would for any dangerous, demented child, with adoration and treats: burgers, golf clubs, trophies, trinkets and, in South Korea, even a crown for the wounded boy who would be king. Still, he couldn't keep up. In Japan, he wandered off mid-glitzy-ceremony like a nursing-home gramps looking for pudding, to be steered back in place. Nothing to see here.
The decline, of course, is ongoing. Monday, Trump told reporters he'd gone to Walter Reed Medical Center and gotten an MRI as part of a "routine yearly checkup,” except he'd just had one six months ago and an MRI is decisively not part of a routine test, but not to worry: He said it was "perfect," except that doesn't exist. For those inexplicably wondering about his cognitive state, he said he also aced a "very hard" sort of "aptitude test," except it's a very basic dementia screening that requires the patient to solve elementary-school level problems like remembering five words, identifying a giraffe or lion, and drawing a clock; he added that the test "took a while" and "was difficult,” two key factors doctors consider when assessing cognitive skills
Then, days before the expiration of federal food benefits that could leave tens of millions of Americans facing hunger along with soaring health insurance costs, and as the House GOP remains MIA during what could be the longest shutdown in history, he left for a six-day, gold-plated tour of Asia, because fuck you all. In Malaysia, he cringe "danced" with "zero class"; in Japan, he got a red carpet, golf clubs, and lost. On Wednesday, heading to fraught trade talks with both South Korean President Lee Jae Myung and then Chinese President Xi Jinping, he landed in South Korea to a hero's welcome: a brass band playing YMCA - gay hookups! - a red carpet adorned with multi-hued flags - "That was a very good red carpet" - and President Lee in a custom-made gold tie.
Leaning into the theme of peace to honor Trump's famed, fictional role as a "global peacemaker" - and clearly eager to get Trump's vengeful, randomly spiked 25% tariffs back down to a manageable 15% - Lee was just getting started on his campaign for Sycophant of the Week Award. An official lunch, bedecked with peace lilies, featured “mini beef patties with ketchup” and Thousand Island Dressing in a nod to Trump’s “success story in his hometown of New York." The menu also included a "Korean Platter of Sincerity" - U.S. beef and local rice - grilled fish with a glaze of ketchup and gochujang chili paste, and a "Peacemaker’s Dessert” of a brownie adorned with gold. After the ketchup and gold brownie, came the shiny, kingly objects.
Days after almost eight million furious Americans protested Trump's abuses under the mantra No Kings, in a lavish ceremony at Gyeongju National Museum, Lee presented Trump with...a crown. Specifically, a gilded replica of one of several 1,000-year-old crowns excavated from the ancient, golden Silla Kingdom that ruled much of the Korean Peninsula until the 10th century. The crown represents a period of peace and unity, an official explained, in tribute to the first dynasty to unify the three kingdoms on the Peninsula; it "symbolizes the divine connection between the authority of the heavens and the sovereignty on Earth," as well as the authority of a strong leader. Trump, wooed and dazzled, stared raptly, a kid at a humongous candy store.
There was more. Lee also awarded him the Grand Order of Mugunghwa, their highest civil honor, a laurel medal hung from a golden collar. Trump, the first U.S. President to get it, burbled he'd "like to wear it right now." After the bribes, they talked trade. Ultimately, Trump said they "pretty much finalized" a deal wherein South Korea would pump $350 billion of new investment into the U.S.economy in exchange for returning tariffs to 15%, including on cars, their largest export. Officials said details on the pact's "structure" still had to be resolved - like the Gaza "truce?", tensions remain on security costs, and polls show most South Koreans don't trust Trump; they just figure they need the U.S. economically to fend off China, a bigger threat.
Like everywhere else, the talks were met by protests that echoed ours; signs read, “No Kings," "Trump Not Welcome," "This Is Robbery Not Negotiation." Said one protester, “It seems the U.S. (is) treating South Korea as its cash cow." Before leaving, Trump also met with China's Xi Jinping in Busan. Trump later called the meeting "amazing" and "12 out of 10," with agreements on "many important points," including soybeans, rare earths and much lower tariffs than the 100% Trump at some point wildly threatened in one of his hissy fits. He also said, “Ukraine came up very strongly," because he never learned to speak English. There've been no statements about the meeting from the Chinese, so God knows what really happened there.
As a befuddled, newly crowned king returns to his fractured country, he may be mulling where to put his new bling in a space packed with Tim Apple's plaque, his Olympic medals, the World Cup he stole and other ill-begotten gains. Others are wondering what happened to the Constitution's Foreign Emoluments Clause that bars officeholders from accepting personal gifts "from any king, prince or foreign state" worth more than about $480. Asked about the issue, a White House spokesperson asserted that Trump is "working night and day on behalf of the American people." He could be. Or maybe, amidst the fog and lies and phantasms he inhabits, he's trying to remember what just happened during his recent "Weekend at Donnie's territory."
Whatever he may have accomplished by way of reversing the catastrophic effects of his own economic mayhem, many will likely recall the trip through the deranged prism of his misadventures in Japan, the day before South Korea, when he lost the thread during a welcoming ceremony in Tokyo. The now-viral videos show Trump gently guided by Japan's new Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi as they somberly walk through a room filled with dignitaries; a stunned Trump forgets where he's going, walks past the Honor Guard and US/Japanese flags where he's supposed to stop, aimlessly lumbers ahead, randomly salutes, lurches on to stare at the band as an aghast, left-behind Takaichi bows as expected before laboring to drag him back to earth.
The spectacle of a U.S.president with mush for brains stumbling around a palace like a toddler lost at the mall before marching up to shake hands with his own entourage was too much for many. "Bro has no idea what is going on," said one. Also, "Is this real life? This guy has control of our nukes." It was noted, if it's any consolation, he probably has no idea how to launch them; it was also noted Stephen Miller would happily do it for him. It was suggested "this is that 'high energy' we always hear about," that "his handlers should put a shock-collar on him (so) when he wanders off they can just zap him back to coherence," that "it's great, totally cool knowing this guy gets to do whatever he wants these days." One thing to look forward to: "Can't wait for this guy to ask what happened to the East Wing." What a time to be alive, for now.
