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TechnoratiThat Sarah Palin Is One Unreal Alaskan
I'm sitting on my bearskin chair beside the woodstove, in Kotzebue Alaska, fifty miles above the Arctic Circle, while outside the ocean begins to freeze over. Inside I have about 49 things piling up to say to you, America.
I'm an Alaskan -- born in an igloo, enjoy whale muktuk, all that -- and in case you aren't sick of our state by now, I'll start off with an apology for one of our residents: Sarah Palin.
We Alaskans are not generally so magazine-pretty like her, nor are we so confrontational and vapid. Most of us don't have those peachy cheeks -- we have sunburn, windburn and frostbite. Our fingernails are dirty from actually gutting moose, not yakking about it. Our hands are chapped from picking thousands of salmon out of nets, not holding one up for the camera.
Having said that, here in Alaska we are accustomed to getting jobs we're not qualified to fill. In our far-flung villages and towns we have big money surrounded by big wilderness; the combination causes warped career opportunities. Sort of an Edge of Nowhere phenomenon --cousin to the Bridge to Nowhere one.
For example, in the village closest to the wilderness homestead where I was raised, I remember standing in my friend's cabin when his dad got a call on the CB radio: "People are writing you in for mayor."
"Nope!" my friend's dad transmitted. "Tell ‘em no, I ain't doing that." He spit in a can, peered out the door at his Honda generator -- idling rough -- an extension cord running up the hill and under his door, to power the rerun of "Dukes of Hazard" he was watching.
If he'd lived in Wasilla 25 years later he could have responded, "Call Sarah, she'll want it."
Similar stories abound. Jimmy: who got the dogcatcher job by telling the interviewer, "I can shoot a shotgun, .30-06, .308..." Or my friend Ian, who this summer worked with computers-until he was named CEO of a $45 million corporation.
Tougher in Alaska? Not necessarily. Here most anyone can be dogcatcher, city planner, governor, with little or no experience. That's one beauty of our state -- although, often the only thing keeping it all working is the lubrication provided by obscene amounts of money.
Sitting on this worn-to-the-hide bearskin chair of mine, scribbling, I pause to glance at a month-old newspaper before I stuff it in the stove. Lo! There's yet another photo of Gov. Palin; she's sitting in a glass office in Anchorage, with a bearskin, too, draped across the back of her expensive couch. Sarah's wearing heels. The bear's wearing a fake head with a plastic snarl. In the foreground on a glass table crouches something with pincers--a taxidermied king crab!
I'll have to show this crab photo to my Eskimo friends I grew up with. We simply never contemplated such wanton unAlaskanness. Why not eat the damn thing? We ate this bear I'm sitting on, including the paws and jaw and fat-some of which we ate raw, while some got rendered for piecrusts.
Out beyond my window, the slush ice is thickening. In the west lie the Bering Straits. Yes, Vladimir Putin and Moscow are over there somewhere -- a little closer than London. Plenty of us reside hundreds of miles closer to Russia than Palin ever did down in the big cities of Wasilla or Juneau. In the past 40 years Russians have motored across a handful of times, Russian Eskimos, in homemade boats. One that I know stayed, and married. She's an Eskimo dancer and ivory carver, very capable and beautiful, in a real way. And, I guess like the rest of us now, an overnight foreign policy expert.
By now the world knows our Gov. Palin is an expert at swishing around in color coordinated this and that, with her makeup, fake Minnesota accent, and her mooseburger and mean-spirited commentary. We can only hope people realize that's not what our state is about and that she's a pretty atypical Alaskan, one who is simply skimming the gravy off our hard-earned Alaskan mystique to mix with her varnished nonsense.
(And yes, some Alaskans do sell varnished moose turds, also.)
In the Arctic where global warming is melting our world regardless of Palin's lone charge against reality, her alleged appeal leaves many of us cold. With our long winters and tough trails, we still value a beaver hat and common sense more than high heels and clip-on hairdos. We simply don't want another leader less intelligent than we are.
Eight years with the cowboy and copilot Halliburton at the helm has been hard on our land. Too much polluting, an unnecessary war draining our economy and both men too cool for global warming. We can't afford to turn now to a beauty contestant and an old guy who's acting like he's run the Iditarod too many times without winning. (Beating his dogs, he's so desperate to win.)
Come on, people. Our polar ice is melting. Your jobs are turning to dust. Everyone's bank statements are on the verge of being firestarter. Your heating oil is $4 a gallon, ours is $8.
John McCain's answers to these problems? Heck, I honestly don't know what he stands for this week. Talk about a shifting icefloe. But his running mate, we've heard her answers: She's already sued the polar bears, now she's chanting, "Drill, baby, drill!"
Wake up, folks. Sarah Palin is America's bridge to nowhere. Get off it.
From up here in the Arctic -- not left or right but north of the campaign trail -- the reality is clear and cold: When John McCain chose Sarah Palin he wrote America out of his will. It's time for us to write him out of our future.
55 Comments so far
Show AllWhy is it not good that there is a state where getting all sorts of jobs is normal for all kinds of unqualified people? Is that not a real-life instance of the egalitarian ideal? It's a system inclusive of the little guy, the disadvantaged, the marginalized, etc. It sounds like utopia, to me!
I read an interview that Palin did with People. She'll do that kind of interview but not with anyone that might ask questions she can't answer.She claimed her kids are Eskimo. Yep. Because they were born in Alaska that makes them Eskimo. This is the person running for VP. She's a twit at best.
As for her statements about Pakistan has everyone forgotten her answer to the college student in that eatery when asked the exact same question as Obama? Of course she'd go in.
And now there's the money spent on clothing for her and her entire family by the RNC. That's a direct violation of federal law as best I can find. McCain is playing on her looks and I hate to say it guys, but McCain is playing to your hormones.
It's sad what the Republican party has become and is an embarrassment to our country. Even the rest of the world is aghast at McCain's temerity. So why do the die-hard Republicans buy his bald-faced lies? How can they not see what's really going on?
I can't wait to be able to vote and send Sarah back to Alaska and McCain back to the Senate where he can no longer do any harm. He's shot himself in the foot in that arena.
Funny article. And nice to know Palin is not representative of most Alaskans. Maybe the Repubs should write in a replacement VP candidate....
Seth, your words are a refreshing take on Palin and just what has been missing from the conversation about Alsaka these last few weeks.
What do most of us down here in the lower 48 know about Alsaka?
Nothing!! Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Great wit and insight, I'm going to hunt up your books, too.
Laughter is really needed now.
Palin is a Republican, it's expected from these inbred rapturists to be corrupt. What's Biden's excuse?
During his entire tenure in the US Senate, the white shark has never, ever, moved one finger to advance the working class' cause and has done EVERYTHING to benefit the credit cards companies, the banks and Israel. It has cost tax payers billions, trillions. Way more that Palin's personal expense account.
As the new report about the tricky little expense-count shuffle for the kids' fare shows, Moosolini, like 4/5ths of the Reptilican Party, believe that the public treasury is an ATM specifically designed for them when they're in office. Of course they don't want the money to go to assist the mere citizenry!
I shouldn't call her Moosolini; after hearing what she was budgeted for her shopping sprees, we should call her Imelda Palin.
what do you mean 4/5ths of the Reptilian Party? It's 99,99%. It's not 100% because Ted Stevens can't steal anymore. The Dems rate much better, at 99,25%!
I just had this enlightening moment while I was reading yet another irritating story about 'that woman' from Alaska. In order to get even considered by the repiglicon party echelons You got to be a con. You got to be a hypocritical child molester, domestic violence artist, National Redundancy Association buff, scam artist, 'genocidler', or in any way involved in criminal activities to be celebrated by the party members that never ascended from Australopithecus to Homo Sapiens because of their perpetual practice of inbreeding. Who else would breed with a repiglicon, then another repiglicon?
First they came for my neighbor...
May all Beings be blessed. Specifically the weak and ill minded.
"Having said that, here in Alaska we are accustomed to getting jobs we're not qualified to fill."
That one statement reminds me of many of the "locals" I met during my brief stay on Saipan, another Repug outpost.
As for Alaska, been there twice including a visit to Denali NP. Stunningly beautiful country.
Palin is as real of a comic ( SNL ) as she is a real politician.
Her performance on SNL on the 18th well solidifies her desire to appear to be more illusionary like, than her previous attempt at mere vacuousity and avoiding any challenging discourse of substance.
How spaced and pathetic is it for Palin to engender to "play" Tina Fey's exaggerated role of parodying herself ?
So instead of Memorex vs Ella, we now have a parody of Palin recorded by synthesizing how torturing a moose to bellow blood curdling sounds might sound, being compared to a comic acting that out might sound.
__ Tina Fey for V.P.
__ Sarah Palin for errant moose catcher ( and 'red hot mama' award )
Namaste
At least she's a Republican,
AP - 18 minutes ago - ANCHORAGE, Alaska - Gov. Sarah Palin charged the state for her children to travel with her, including to events where they were not invited, and later amended expense reports to specify that they were on official business.
Republican thief?
My oldest daughter was born in Alaska, as for myself I am not of the wild. Yet the breathtaking beauty startled me, I saw things I hadn't believed existed, okay this is 1976, when ever Aurora Borealis[sic]were putting ona show for the mere mortals knocks from neighbor to neighbor, "C'mon the lights, hurry!", I lived in Anchorage in an apartment. My street was dirt, at break up time I wore waders to cross the street to get to the corner store. But these were the years of "The Pipeline" and there came corruption amok with it.
Myself, I was an Interior Electrician in the USAF, Elmendorf AFB, a strategic SAC base, him well, simply psychotic, a civilian and involved in things at the age of 20 I thought were on the silver screen only, it was way over the top and accepted.
Palin, racist, fascist, terrorist, aerial rifleman sits alit a chopper and murders wolves and bear for SPORT, You know what Mohandas Ghandi said about how much you can tell about people by the way they treat creatures and that being said it tells me Palin enjoys murdering things that are innocent, she may achieve this by surrogate yet, "KILL HIM". They chortle, today Palins little goofy ass act that makes many[foolish men]hearts and other parts all a twitter, "Ya know Obama says he will border cross and attack Pakistan, ya know this is against the rules of law, it is called an Illegal Invasion of a Sovereign Nation, Ya, ya.", now, now why is it these whatever they are keep reading our old emails they illegally trapped? Left wing Blogosphere being such as it is, F$$K NO they say this shit and this inbreds are oohing and ahhhing as if this is just horrid!!!! Why are they permitted a vote? Oh so the GOP can always be the Majority, I see....
BillofRights
Sarah Alaska
Sarah Alaska jump into the soup
sticks and carrots are good for you
they're good for the bull and good for the bear
they're good for the clout and good for the few
they’re good for the republican well to do
so Sarah Alaska here’s a banana for you
Save that banana for the republic to be
it’s ripe and low hangin
like the balls of a moose that’s stuck
or a pale prodded bear just across the strait
So jump into the candidate stew Sarah
Be thankful you're part of the chosen too
Sarah
like the testy fallen Johnny angel flier
who can take the heat
and zap the many for the few
to add some spice and the Lieberman beat
a hearty blood red flavored tuber
for a soup that’s truly great
A banana republic soup
You can nuke the left overs too
So Sarah Alaska jump into the soup
a stick for the many
a carrot for you
a stone for the soup
but....
Save a trophy bone button
for the six star troop
Excellent, and funny article!
But, please! Can't we get through one comment section without hearing about how Ralph will walk on water if elected?!
Aah, no.
Not only will he walk on water, but he will part the 7 corporations and banish them to the neither world where they belong.
thank you seth, for a fine article.
If Palin is not a "real Alaskan," why is almost every politician Alaskans elect the same sort of right-wing rednecks as Sara Palin? I have a friend who used to live in Anchorage. She found it to be the most politically backward, reactionary place she had ever been.
Common Dreamers, don't miss out! The transcript of President Palin's first press interview in the White House is available! Where?
On my blog of course:
www.dangerouscreation.com
you know, I grew up in Alaska too. But that doesn't mean character attacks are any more illuminating....
seth is clever in his play on words, and back and forth with his comparisons, but ultimately he isn't really offering any insight for his audience, except unless you're interested in his own opinion of himself in comparison to Palin.
Self-reference can only offer so much to the conversation....
unless. of course. conversation isn't the point.
Actually I am interested in his opinion of himself as compared to Palin. He painted a brief and interesting sketch of Alaska. As far as her character goes, it's too late to attack it. She has done the work of revealing it all by herself. She had miles of clothesline to pin her character on, or hang herself with, and she did just that.
If legitimate observation was what you demand, then a legitimate candidate should be mandatory.
Palin is so far from legitimate, as to only demand derision and mockery. Nothing more, nothing less.
She is joke incarnate.
This was a wonderful read, and I applaud the author.
However, I humbly contend that "most" (greater than 50%) of Alaskans are not the thick-skinned adventurers that readers will interpret from Seth's words. Most Alaskans are suburbanites, with suburbanite lives. They commute over well-made roads in ordinary vehicles, shop at Walgreens or Walmart, and basically lead lives that are indistinguishable from lower-48 suburbanites. Seth's description of Alaskans is poetic, but largely mythical. There are equally wild mountain men/women to be found in the Appalachians.
Alaska's DAMAGED environment would be rescued and even repaired if only Ralph Nader could be elected.
To affect that kind of change we'd need not only to elect Nader but enough senators and representatives from his party to allow him to make a difference. Oops, er, a, yeah, I forgot...
That Sarah Palin Is One Unreal Alaskan
But in the Grand Tradition of George Wanker Bush, she is a very real imbecile which for a lot of people makes her a Truly Great American.
What did Sarah do with the millions of dollars that were supposed to be for building "the bridge to nowhere?" Actually, the bridge would have connected the town of Ketchikan, the fourth largest city in Alaska, to the airport. The land is flatter there, and the bridge would have allowed "nowhere" to be built up rather than hanging on the side of mountains and cliffs as the town is.
Seth is correct about unqualified people getting jobs in Alaska, which explains why Ms. Palin is governor.
McPalin as varnished moose turd... made my day Seth... thanks
Although this prose is great, one only need look at the numbers to see that the state of Alaska is the world's #1 welfare recipient. The US taxpayers subsidize the state to the tune of nearly one thousand dollars per capita per year. Subsidies to the lower 48 states range from $25 to $40 per capita. It was this way even when Alaska was still a territory 100 years ago.
I have travelled extensively in all 50 states and the greatest irony is that Alaskans complain more about the US Government than residents of any other state (Idaho comes close) even though they would be in a world of hurt if they weren't raking in the subsidies.
As mayor of Wasilla, Palin proved to be THE earmark queen, garnering the same value of earmarks for Wasilla as Boise, Idaho, with 30 times the population received. With a record like that, anybody who believes Palin is a DC outsider and will really reform government deserves a special deal on the oceanfront property I am selling in Arizona.
The Inuit have been raped and exploited by Americans ever since the Russians sold Alaska to the US.
**ok ok but remember that they also are human and can be corrupt themselves. Noble savage is just a white man myth.
In Northern Canada Inuit have been known to sell hunting permits to non Inuit big game hunters, and even they frame global warming according to self interest.
They also have their own reasons to want to exploit whales and other true Arctic natives(until the day a newborn human-- eskimo or not --can jump onto the ice without artificial means of protection then they arent true natives of the region like wolves bears seals etc).
From their perspective human colonizers are worse than parasites, and I doubt they distinguish between a Pail or anyone else up there.
WHAT?
Seriously, you're arguing that humans can't be indigenous to a place until they become like the other large mammals living their? So I have to grow a claws and fur and huge teeth to be really Native to a place. That's like saying Indians aren't native to India because they don't have tiger stripes and can't kill a deer with one bite.
But whats clear is that you're projecting the culture that you have been inculcated with onto Native people, and at the root of it is the assumption that all people are greedy and exploitative. That's equivalent to believing that all human cultures are the same.
You say that "They also have their own reasons to want to exploit whales and other true Arctic natives."
Yeah its called food. Every animal needs to eat other living things to survive. Its a part of life. Yet you imply that the Inuit's interest in whales, seals and bears is selfish somehow, and that they speak of global warming in personal terms for some ulterior motive.
Would you expect them to be concerned about the global warming affecting other parts of the world, or where they experience it. Would you expect the Inuit to care more about whales than pandas, more about seals than manatees, more about polar bear than the Iberian lynx? Living on the land your ancestors have lived on for thousands of years makes you concerned about the world and invested in its long term health.
You say "they also are human and can be corrupt themselves". The presumption is that there is only one way to be human and that is corruptible, that the willingness to do anything for money is a universal value.
This is a projection of this culture onto them. The example of corruption given (selling hunting licenses) just goes to prove that contact with civilization has forced them to deal in the world of money.
The failing of this logic is that Western Civilization is an aberration, not the rule. It is the parasite.Yet Mother Culture whispers that this its been this way forever and always will be.
But the evidence is in history. All species that destroy the ability of the land to support them disappear. Simple as that.
So to presume that all people are selfish, that it is just "human nature" is to be lulled in the echo chamber of Western Civilization and unable to see that not everyone is just like you.
You make a good point. Yet I can top it. Why would I ever expect more from any Natives then from those hoodlums that take whatever they can get a hold of? Then You could blame those chieftains in Africa that traded glass pearls for their own people to the slave business folks. Not all Americans are exploitative in nature...
May all Beings be blessed. Specifically the weak and ill minded.
Thanks, Seth, for the genuine local slant from the genuine Arctic. My view of Sarah Palin from here in the Midwest has a couple additional twists.
First, although I have never visited Alaska (but often come close), I do know several folks from the lower forty eight who made a career path decision early in life to do so. Almost without exception, they found gold in them thar icy hills. If you could somehow finesse the distorted cost of living in Alaska, the sky high wage rates there enabled you to save, baby, save. Add to that your annual share of the state's oil revenues as an Alaskan resident taxpayer, if you managed to live a frugal lifestyle you could retire early and retire pretty well.
Maybe Sarah Palin exemplifies a bit of that phenomenon. She would certainly not be the first Alaskan to make her personal financial killing courtesy of the eccentricities of Alaska's economy, and head off to warmer climes and even greener pastures fairly early in life. I mean, isn't "take the money and run" a major theme of the Bush/Cheney era anyway?
Second, it seems increasingly apparent that while Palin's presence on the GOP ticket has had a minimal impact upon those supposed hordes of disgruntled female Hillary fans out there, Sarah is an enormous draw for the 25-55 year old white male demographic bracket. Saturday's NY Times did a whole profile piece on the bikers, hard hats, NRA Joe six-packers, and outright rednecks who are turning out in rabid, testosterone fueled droves for the McCain/Palin rallies.
Sarah Palin's presence in the veep slot was calculated to give white males the perfect cover opportunity to dodge and deflect the race issue. My "Nobama" button doesn't prove I'm a racist, and them just may be fightin' words. This campaign cycle, I'm proving my lack of basic bigotry by voting for the hot chick. So don't try to run none of that racial shit or feminist shit on me. I'm here to help my kinda woman make some history.
Sarah Palin may well be as unreal an Alaskan as this election campaign has become surreal.
Bill from Saginaw
You're not going to shag Sarah Palin, Bill from Saginaw. You're not even going to get close to doing that. And yet you gleefully proclaim that "rabid testosterone" is what's fueling your Republican fervor.
How long's it been since you had a date, Bill? A date that wasn't a blowup doll, I mean. :-D
Skye from South Carolina
silverseale/Skye from South Carolina -
"Republican furor", on MY part, "to shag Sarah Palin"?
Truly, irony is dead and buried deep forever, if that was actually your understanding of the comments in my post.
Bill from Saginaw
Bill - you are a fount of patience and forbearance.
silverseale/Skye - how long has it been since you've visited a shrink?
Ummm, excuse me, but I read Bill's commentary as sarcasm and irony. He was writing about the people that are able to mask their racism with Palin fever, not himself!
(Thanks for getting it, Skye)
"no gods, no masters" --m. sanger
Well Seth, we will be sending her back to you in just a couple of weeks. Good luck!
Your comment reminds me of what I was hearing from the Dem kool-aid drinkers before the 2006 "election." They were so certain that by making the Dems the majority that things were going to do a 180. They said that Pelosi was not serious when she said "impeachment is off the table." They said she was just saying that to "play the game" and "fool the Republicans." They had this long list of things the Bush-accomplice Dems were supposedly going to do against Bush. I said they were full of bull shit.
NONE OF IT HAPPENED. NONE IF IT.
Today they look like the gullible, wishful-thinking, naive, false hope people that they were at that time. It's just that today they have transferred all that to Bush-accomplice Walk on Water Obama. They refuse to learn.
And should he be selected and allowed to occupy the White House, these Dem kool-aid drinkers will be chanting the same pabulum about Obama that they chanted about the Dems 6-8 months after they had been the majority which was "you have to give them tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime."
That's what they will be saying about Obama and the Dems a year after he's in the White House, should that happen. The cycle will be repeated all over again because most people refuse to learn. They are so blinded by their wishful-thinking and Denial.
You may want to differentiate between the two facts. When the dems hoped that a paper thin 'majority' would enable them to change things, they outed themselves as naive, to say the least. Pelosi is a traitor. She should be handled as such and removed from the party like many other if one would care about the dems. They are not of the people and neither for the people.
As for Obama, You should wish for him to be able to walk on water. Because it will take none less than Jesus to fix this nasty mess (mass). The truth is, nobody possesses even remotely the capacity to make rights out of the republicon's wrongs under Führer Bush.
I am always amazed about what people deem possible in terms of fixing a totally rundown society. If 'God' were to really bless America (North - Not Canada) he /she would remove it from the planet and take it home to give it some valuable lessons about militarism, bread and games.
Whoever sits in the glasshouse should not throw with stones. Unless it's from polycarbonate.
May all Beings be blessed. Specifically the weak and ill minded.
Thanks, I knew that not everybody in Alaska is deluded. As a matter of fact I met an Alaskan girl once on Maui. Her name was 'Sweetwater' and she explained to me why the native Alaskans would like to skin every American/Alaskan. The Inuit have been raped and exploited by Americans ever since the Russians sold Alaska to the US. (Ponder about selling or buying a whole Country). She explained to me that with the Russians they were confronted with people that equally knew about living and surviving in the arctic. Americans traditionally perceived Alaska as a Cash and Carry for its resources, whereas the cash never really made it to the real owners of the Country. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Now people like Palin call themselves 'Alaskans'. What a farce. Is an African Lion all over sudden a California Lion because it was born in the San Diego Zoo? But living in Hawai'i I know about that. Way too many folks here call themselves 'Hawaiian' because they were born here. They are as ludicrous as Palin et al.
May all Beings be blessed. Specifically the weak and ill minded.
Most enjoyable reading. Thanks Seth.
Seems a lot of men down here are all steamy over Sarah. Whether or not they vote for her is another matter, but their interest in her will be reason enough for a lot of women to vote for Obama.
Keep 'em coming Seth, least Alaska starts to look like the lower 48.
"Seth the Fisherman" and "Joe the Plumber", which one lives in the "real" America?
Beautiful words. This is the smartest Alaskan I know. Thank you for shedding some light on your State and People.
Too bad the vast majority of Alaska will vote for McCain, Palin...
Excellent article. It's nice to hear from an informed source. I'd always had an idea of Alaskans being like you described, so I was very shocked to hear that somehow Palin was representative. I do wonder though how she got elected?
Finally someone has without a doubt painted us a very clear picture of Sarah, and in doing so also painted a picture of what Alaska is all about. Now I am determined to read his books. I am sure they are as delightful as this article. Seth, send more. P.S. Maybe you would like to be Vice President? But, then again, maybe not.
Seth, you are an artful and delightful writer. You leaven a very serious issue with healthful chuckles. Your Northern Exposure is enchanting, but come to Phoenix this winter for a visit .
Wow! Great article. Thank you for pouring some "cold" water on the hotheads' infatuation with this phony person Sarah Palin claims to be.
Wow! Great article. Thank you for pouring some "cold" water on the hotheads' infatuation with this phony person Sarah Palin claims to be.
That was brilliant.
This guy writes for Orion magazine.
It's a great read.
http://www.orionmagazine.org/index.php/dispatches/
Seth, you sound like a real Alaskan. Great comment: "here in Alaska we are accustomed to getting jobs we are not qualified to fill". I think Sarah Palin is the epitome of that statement.
"Sarah Palin is the bridge to nowhere"- great line!
wish i'd coined that...