Trumping ™ the Presidency: Buying Elections, Selling Merch

Someday soon, it will be possible to call for an orange skin cosmetology appointment with your not-made-in-America Trump phone, which has been on back order for 18 months; schedule the appointment with your Trump watch; and pay for it—and a new US passport with a likeness of President Donald Trump—with Trump bitcoins, while staying at a Trump hotel near a Trump golf course. You can already take a cross country trip to visit national parks with your Trump digital pass embossed with a picture of George Washington and a convicted felon. Travel will be safer in a surplus Trump Catering truck® like that Trump used to flee Turkey fearfully from imagined Iranian attacks. Will the Trump Catering truck® be assembled from the bodies of unsaleable Tesla Cybertrucks?

There are limits to Trump merch. When you get cancer you will not be treated in Trump Hospital because there is none and your medical insurance has been eliminated. Nor will you receive support from the Trump Foundation because it was closed for fraud. But citizens will have their Trump-embossed Bible at hand (only $59!!) to use prayer to appeal denied claims with insurers. Recovery will be difficult in any event in the face of patient malnutrition: TrumpSNAP© benefits have been cut by the Big Beautiful Bill™. But patriotic American children, should they outlive their parents, will be able to draw on their Trump Savings Accounts©, with $1,000 never coming from the US government as golden seed money.

Fortunately, when they retire in 70 or 80 years, these citizens will take their huge nest eggs to book a room at the Trump Gaza resort. Here they will be served by TrumpGastarbiter©—undocumented workers who have been vetted by Jared Kushner. Palestinian chefs will be unavailable since they will have been forcefully deported—to Venezuela or Greenland. No one will be able to afford meals at Trump Resorts in any event, as Trump himself proudly noted, suggesting that the $5,000 price of a hamburger and dessert is beyond the means of American spongers. That’s TrumpAffordability©! At least clothing will be inexpensive. We hear that Trump “Nice As*” T-shirts are being produced now. They can be bought in bulk at the “Trump Post-midterm Black Tuesday™” Fire Sale at your local Trump Merchandise Stores or online. They look good when worn with Trump Never Surrender gold sneakers.

This is all chump change to the grafter-in-chief. The president is trying to cancel the midterm elections like he cancels culture at museums, at the same time trying to buy the results. The election fraud has already begun through the Trump Vote Buy2025™ program that consists of a variety of ploys. While Trump and his family have added as much as the $10 billion in digital wealth to their pockets in the past two years, Trump promises $4.5 billion to fund wealth accounts for 10 million children—roughly $450 for each child. A parent can secure the funds through the gold-plated Trump Accounts App. Trump repeatedly promises Trump Tariff© rebates at $2,000, Trump Doge™ savings of $2 trillion, and Trump $5,000 Vote Only Republican© checks (roughly $1.2 trillion). He cynically gifted $500 each to 1 million people for their Affordable Care Act premiums that he previously cut to ensure their indebtedness. He started a $30,000 hotline per tip up to $25 million for Government Fraud Whistleblower Program, a one-time $90 payment for some Medicare B enrollees, and $8 billion farmer aid to cover the $2.4 billion it has cost farmers to date to buy diesel and $33 billion because of tariffs.

As the elections approach, the president will give himself some major award, perhaps the Presidential Medal of Freedom? Since he will never win the Nobel Peace Prize, only the FIFA Peace Prize, the MAGA contingent has already proposed the Bolsonaro Brazil Election Tantrum Prize and the Trump “Sexual Misconduct” Prize (28 accusations counting). It is said that Reporters Without Borders contemplated the creation of the Trump Orange Journalism award.

Finally, we await rumored sale of a signed, limited edition wall-size reproduction of Trump’s loving 50th birthday greeting to Jeffery Epstein, that will go for $1,000. Soon, he’ll take his satchels of money on board his Qatari747 “Air Fraud One” for off into the sunset to Mar-o-Lago, with its $5,000 burgers and gold bathroom fixtures replete with classified documents.