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Sidestepping his debacle of a war, "smug pathetic little man," warfighter fetishist and Gen.-Patton-cosplaying clown Pete Hegseth just gave a blustering speech before troops In a "hyper-macho freak show" to announce he's cutting forces, starting several senseless new programs, and proclaiming, "We are no longer the woke (or) weak department...No fatties, trannies, beardos, weirdos, wimps, radicals. Just warriors." Appalled consensus on the yahoo "turning the military into a frat house": "What a dick."

Perhaps due to his low-rent credentials as a weekend TV host at Fox - and a history of drunkenness, adultery, sexual assault and on-the-job incompetence so sordid he needed JD's tie-breaking vote to get his job - Hegseth has built a sloppy, fragile "Department of Defensiveness" focused on shaping a self-serving narrative and persona awash in paranoia, distrust, dysfunction, lies and frequent purges of those deemed disloyal. From his make-up studio to his press strictures to his blunders - Signalgate, the war, its first day's war crimes - Pete's spent an inordinate amount of time covering his ass and overcompensating for his multiple failures. "He's just a true believer in way over his head, the living embodiment of the Dunning-Kruger effect,” said one DOD employee. “Generally, we consider him a joke, a deeply unqualified clown.”

Still, with men reportedly fleeing MAGA, their need to "pump up that masculine animus" is well-served by Pete's juvenile, chest-pounding, lethality-obsessed focus on testosterone in the name of a "High-T Department of War" that has "nothing to do with science and everything to do with regressive ideas of what masculinity is." The same idiocy fuels all the culture war malevolence: Banning books, gutting DEI initiatives - "Diversity is not our strength" - blocking promotions for women and Blacks, a "no more dudes and dresses" transphobia, and ending tenure for civilian professors at military academies 'cause who needs to protect independent thinkers, scholars, leaders, experts from "the tyranny of a government that actively hates its critics," the "mindset of someone who has learned nothing (from) American military failures."

And so to another cringey, Strangelovian "State of the Force Address," which was not a thing until a TV bobblehead took over the military and turned it into bumbling amateur-hour theater. Last year, he summoned nearly 800 generals, admirals, advisors from around the world, all smarter and higher-ranking than him, to rant about beards and "fat troops," tell them they "kill people and break things for a living," and prattle about a 10% cut in their numbers by "removing redundant force structure to optimize and streamline leadership." When he paused for applause, there was only deep silence. Maybe because a Joint Chiefs chairman, two service chiefs, two intelligence directors, several generals and the better part of the Army’s senior leadership "were told to run faster by a weekend television host."

On Wednesday, he gathered about 600 officers and enlisted members, again at the Quantico Marine Corps Base in Virginia, for another speech. In the weeks leading up to his latest dash of show business, The Wall Street Journal reported, he emailed commanders asking them to nominate troops to attend. They had to "fit certain physical standards," he wrote, to have the proper height/weight ratio, with "impeccable grooming: "I want central casting." If they were hot enough, he added, as a bonus some would have "the opportunity" to join him in a hot and sweaty dawn work-out at the Pentagon. Totally normal! And luckily, a camera crew was there to follow them on a chanting, banner-bearing run through D.C. To make them look even cooler, he gave them all t-shirts that read, "This Is War." Or at least off-off Broadway.

Later, before a giant American flag, he dropped the hammer in a campy speech many compared to SNL's Colin Jost doing Pete Hegseth, or Tom Cruise's braying misogynist in Magnolia, or George C. Scott's Gen. Patton "minus the inspiration." Under his "less generals, more GIs" mandate - though it's "fewer" not less - he said he was doubling the previous cut of 10% of high-ranking personnel to 20% with, wrote Tom Wellborn, "the confidence of a man who has looked at the most powerful armed force in the world and concluded its central weakness was the number of people in it who outrank a major," what he was. Months into a disastrous war, "That is the force Pete Hegseth has built by subtraction. What it has lost is (what) a general is for, which is to be the person in the room who says no, and (he) has made sure, one firing at a time, there is nobody left in the room to say it."

"The media calls that a purge," blustered Hegseth, evidently expecting criticism. "I call it accountability. As usual, what the media levels as an accusation, I wear as an accomplishment.” He haughtily went on to “lay it out simply for the anti-American losers in our media...We are no longer the woke department, or the weak department. Simple translation? No fatties, no trannies, no beardos, no weirdos, no wimps, no radicals. Just warriors." On coverage of the war and eight attempted suicides on the USS Lincoln, he slammed “disingenuous headlines about deployment lengths, false claims of low troop morale or flat-out propaganda as if it’s written by our adversaries.” "The information space is a battle space," he said. "The ideological clowns are out. The patriotic cowboys are in." Smirking, he added,."With testosterone testing on top." Jesus, dude.

He also announced several new programs with fancy warlike names like Fortress America and Autonomous War Command or AutoWarCom, a "four-star combatant command with service-like authorities built to scale autonomous and robotic capabilities," and "The Next Great American Base," the first new military base in 40 years, with all 50 states "invited to bid for it like an Amazon headquarters," and "America's Corps of Cadets, creating new college partnerships with right-wing Liberty University and Hillsdale College, plus Louisiana State, Mississippi, Tuskegee Universities, to increase the number of "patriotic leaders of character" and counter "anti-American, DEI-worshiping woke factories," aka the Ivy League schools Hegseth attended.

There's the bonkers Project Meridian to study "the future of warfare," headed by "three of our nation’s best minds" - two tech fat cats and one 83-year-old MAGA hawk - none of whom have served in the military, two of whom have made fortunes from it. Cue Elon Musk, a gonzo rocket salesman with billions in Pentagon contracts, GOP pol Newt Gingrich, who got almost as many deferments as Trump during the Vietnam War, and Palmer Luckey, MAGA donor, self-proclaimed "radical Zionist" and founder of tech company Anduril - "three great Americans to help plan the next war with three people who have never been in one," what could possibly go wrong?" From a military Reddit: "Is this real?", "Yes master code-monkey, infosec ninja, and tech infrastructure guru Newt Gingrich age 83. Our enemies are so fuct bro!" and "Oh fuck this fucking Nazi-loving fuck outta here."

There's a new Office of Religious Affairs for a DOD "putting on the full armor of God" to "strengthen the moral, ethical and spiritual readiness of our warfighters," aka "do the Lord's work to improve smiting capacity," because, "while we wage physical war, the real battle is spiritual." (Maybe why the Pentagon's covering up not-real casualties?) It's "voluntary," which skeptics say is akin to being “voluntold” to do things. Finally, as a party favor, troops were given a new 144-page "field manual" of transcripts of Hegseth speeches. Its forward is by Trump, in classic Trumpese. "As your Commander-in-Chief, I will not ask you to fight dumb Wars," it reads. "I will unleash you to be violent, lethal and unstoppable - and I will always have your back. Godspeed, Great Warriors. Thank you for your attention to this matter!"

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Along with other regime Nazis, crackpots and fools, theories abound as to what the fuck is wrong with Pete Hegseth. Many argue he's afflicted with the common sickness of countless, soulless, mediocre white men who know, deep inside, they have risen further than they deserve to. Hence, the bottomless need to be subservient to a monster like Trump (who is too mad to know that) to maintain their place and value in a white guy patriarchy, to always understand "who they get to abuse, and who they are supposed to take abuse from," and to remain within that vaunted structure, the only one where they have power and respect, by continuing to rule over those they've been taught are beneath them. It's also why, conversely, they freak out when their vital slot is threatened: See Hegseth's frantic lie detectors at any sign of leaking, mocking, saying no.

Hegseth seems particularly despised by Americans, many of whom eagerly await his war crimes trial, his impeachment,, his rapturing - hopefully first in line, though maybe behind Goebbels/Miller. The concrete damage done by his legacy - the calamitous war, hollowing of the military's promotion chain, lethality-tinged dumbing down of its intellectual infrastructure and exploitation of those serving - will presumably take years to repair. But people hate him just as much for his personal failings: his gross unfitness and incompetence, his swaggering "Jr High Machismo," the Nazi-adjacent arrogance of "this nose-powdering drunk," the lying, preening chutzpah of the military's worst-ever leader consistently "acting like a 19-year-old edgelord loser," like "a dipshit," "an asshole," "an absolute tinydick in every goddamn way."

Several truly obnoxious moments of his state-of-the-empire speech ignited that animus. His attack on media who do their job and tell the truth about him began with a lame nod to the First Amendment - "A free press is of course important" - that veered to a diatribe: "But partisan activism that intentionally smears the troops and the historic mission they are undertaking (is) anti-American. It's sick. It's a national betrayal. It's treason, actually...It has to be said." Umm, not, said America: "Secretary of Dewar’s doesn't get he’s the only one getting smeared, not the troops," "I love the free press until they say words I don't like in which case I call them traitors and want them killed," "Bro, they're not shitting on the troops, just you," "It's called free speech, fucknut. The thing your troops are supposed to defend," "The mission of our military has become historic only in the degree of its absurdity."

Then there was a pitiful, fitness-instructor-like defense of his bullying of troops: "Telling someone to get in shape or shave or fix their uniform or start busting their ass - that's not discrimination. That's leadership." Fact: Actually, it's neither. It's stupid, shallow, beside-the-point bullying. Many argued it's just "being a dick" and "an asshole." That he should "tell his boss to get in shape and start busting his ass." That it's weird how he "doesn't get to the part where he actually discriminates." That leadership is "inspiring, being an example, not getting your nation into an illegal war, losing it in days and committing war crimes." That he's "a drunk, vain, adulterous rapist with ridiculous sideburns." That it's "stunning in an awful way a man his age is so immature." That "this motherfucker is waaay out over his skis." And damn, more fucking patriotic cowboys is the last thing we need thanks.

How Pete's (deservedly) doingScreengrab from CNN