I am not an attorney, nor do I play one on TV. But when I say “forcible murder,” I am talking about “legitimate murder”—the kind of murder in which the victim did not agree to die. And “legitimate murder” should be regarded as the first-degree homicide of an unwilling human being.

I am not talking about the kind of murder where the victim “asks for it.” That kind of murder is not as serious. Victims of this kind of murder are out late, in the wrong part of town, or doing something they shouldn’t, or they live in a black bad neighborhood with lots of gang-bangers running around. So when this kind of victim get murdered, it is no surprise, and probably serves them right for being so immoral, or careless.

But “legitimate murder” is another kind of animal. A “forcible homicide” is when you are in your bedroom, maybe saying your prayers, or seated at your dining room table, maybe saying the blessing, and some dark-skinned stranger bursts in to rob you and kill you. That is just plain wrong. And that kind of behavior deserves the strongest punishment.

“Legitimate murder” is like “legitimate rape,” or what Paul Ryan and I call “forcible rape.” It happens when the victim is minding her own business, at home, not thinking about sex, not being wicked at all, possibly watching Fox News or reading the Bible, and someone bursts in and forces that innocent person to be the victim of a heinous crime. “Legitimate rape” is what could happen to your sister or mother or daughter when she didn’t do anything to deserve it. She wasn't wearing a short skirt or showing her cleavage. She didn’t go to a bar by herself. She wasn’t out late by herself. Instead, she had maybe been shopping at the grocery store in a white safe neighborhood and was bending over in her modest attire to put those grocery bags in the minivan when some pervert saw his opportunity and forced himself on her. We can all agree that this kind of rape is wrong.

But even in the case of “legitimate rape,” the woman should do her biological duty. She should carry the offspring of that rapist, however verminous and troglodytic, and no matter how bad he smelled, to term. Even if she has nightmares and wakes up terrified and hates the idea that the DNA of that terrible person is going to propagate itself through her body, she should still do it. Because it isn’t that innocent baby’s fault that its daddy is a sociopath and a monster. And the whole ordeal will be over in only nine months, and nine months isn't even a year.

Likewise with murder. Some murders are worse than others. If someone commits a legitimate and forcible murder, he should be fried like French toast, and all the victim’s family should be there to watch and smell him fry, and then they should all go out to breakfast at Denny’s.