The Promised Land: When Fate Looks Upon You

OMG. We have landed in an inane, insane, bombastic Monty Python skit, slap-dash improvised by a sick vengeful child king churning through endless hissy fits. He wants to invade Greenland, occupy Minnesota, whitewash America, attack allies, bomb everyone, be Hitler with a shiny Peace Prize so his daddy will like him, and Jeffrey who? Still, there are heroes, often unlikely, among us. MLK Jr., surely spinning in his grave: “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

Who would've thought: Despite so much winning, polls show almost 60% of Americans say Trump's year in office has been "a failure," 71% say the country is "out of control," he has a lame 37% approval and 65% say a deranged, ignorant old man who spends his time pointing at random countries on a map squealing "mine" - and/or abducting their leaders - is "not someone they are proud to have as president." He probs hasn't won over many more with his rage-posting we really have to invade Greenland - "World Peace is at stake!" - because it only has "two dogsleds as protection" and his "very brilliant" imaginary Golden Dome system can only work at its full potential "because of angles, metes, and bounds" if Greenland is included, though just 4% of Americans agree, so "thank you for your attention to this matter, DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA," also Biden's autopen.

In the face of "the ramblings of a man who has lost touch with reality" - and whose "stunningly vindictive," "extraordinarily dangerous" hallucinations could “incinerate the NATO alliance" and world peace with it - eight E.U. countries "united in our resolve" have pledged military support for Greenland; meanwhile, that country's sardonic populace have designed cool new MAGA hats - Make America Go Away - and gathered over 200,000 signatures on a petition to buy California from us. Undeterred and Adderalled-up, Trump has also announced a vague new Board of Peace, "the Greatest and Most Prestigious Board ever assembled," whose inchoate mission would be doing...something about peace, especially if as yet unnamed countries - Orbán's in! Putin's invited! - pay a billion dollars for permanent membership in his secret club, and, again, "thank you for your attention to this matter!"

In other world news, we got the pathetic spectacle of the ever-needy boy giddily accepting a re-gifted, illegitimate Nobel Peace and Participation Prize - like Goebbels! - from Venezuela's Maria Corina Machado "for the work I have done," like bombing nine countries, more than any former president, killing 100 fishermen and turning this country into a war zone. He gave Machado some crappy MAGA swag but evidently stayed so miffed he wrote a juvenile, "beyond precedent, parody and reality" letter" to Norway's Prime Minister - whose government has nothing to do with the Nobel Committee and neither of them is Denmark - to whine because they didn't give him the real prize "though I stopped 8 Wars PLUS" and he's "done more for NATO than any other person" he no longer feels he has to "think purely of peace" so he might as well invade Greenland. Media felt obliged to note: "This story is actually not a parody.”

Equally terrifyingly and less entertainingly, he's also embracing his longtime urge to play dictator by invading Minnesota with thousands more ICE thugs after the murder of Renee Good, play dictator, subpoenaing Walz, Frey and other state officials and threatening to send in the military to subdue his stubbornly diverse, decent, welcoming new enemy - "a nice place, filled with nice people." Lydia Polgreen, a foreign correspondent who's covered civil wars in multiple countries, describes being stunned by "the size, scope and lawlessness of the federal onslaught (in) my once placid home state" - shops closed, empty desks in classrooms, ICE agents lurking in idling SUVs, the "quiet, yet pervasive fear" one resident deems, "fucking close to civil war." Its "true mission": To stage "a spectacle of cruelty," an occupation designed to "terrorize anyone who dares defy this incursion and, by extension, (Trump’s) power to wield limitless force against any enemy he wishes."

"We don’t have to speculate what American fascism looks like," says A.G. Keith Ellison. "It’s right outside the door." Somali American journalist Mukhtar Ibrahim echoes him: "Minnesota represents everything the administration hates. It's ground zero. If Minnesota falls, the country will fall." With ICE/CBP stormtroopers outnumbering local police 3,000 to 600, Stephen 'Goebbels' Miller gloats, "Only federal officers are upholding the law. Local and state police have been ordered to stand down and surrender." His lies and hubris reflect the feds' sense they can get away with "just being pure evil": Detaining an older, underwear-clad, U.S citizen Hmong man, CIA allies in Laos; tear-gassing a couple "human-trafficking their six kids home in their weaponized assault-SUV" so severely their six-month-old stopped breathing before her mother performed CPR; partly blinding two peaceful protesters with "non-lethal" munitions; and brutally gassing and tackling photographers, who get back up: "The world needs to see it."

Meanwhile, deaths mount at the $1.24 billion Texas detention center where many Minnesotans are sent. A medical examiner just classified the death of Geraldo Campos, the third in 44 days, as a homicide, days after a 55-year-old Cuban died of "asphyxia due to neck and chest compression" by guards and a 49-year-old Guatemalan died of "liver and kidney failure." Still, robotic regime mouthpiece Press Barbie insists, ICE is "doing everything correctly," though she utterly lost it when a reporter for center-right The Hill dared to note 32 people have died in ICE custody, 170 U.S. citizens have been detained and Renee Good was shot in the head. He's "a biased reporter with a left-wing opinion," a "left-wing hack," "a left-wing activist posing as a journalist," she shrieked. "Shame on people like you." Pot/kettle. Ditto strutting Il Ducette Bovino leading the charge - hilariously, to shouts of "Coward chicken shit fuck!" and "Brown shirts!"

The Bovino hecklers stand in fine, bountiful company in Minnesota, with its "exceptionally broad solidarity" forged in the wake of George Floyd's murder. So many people have been galvanized to protest, including many who hadn't before, the city was moved to announce that vehicles abandoned "due to an ICE detention" and subsequently towed would be released at no cost to patriotic owners. Their resolve is powerfully noted by Robert Arnold, who salutes the 6,000 marchers in cold rain, "and not the cinematic kind," representing "a people who showed up when staying home would have been so much easier." Also emblematic is the teenager insisting that, though he's white, "I'm not going to not care just because it’s not going to happen to me." Such callousness - see Trump's vileness on those from Somalia, "filthy, dirty, disgusting...I don't want them in our country" - would be "irresponsible, disrespectful, actually sinful."

As usual, judges have largely been on the right side of history. Most recently, a federal judge ruled thugs in Minnesota cannot "retaliate against, detain or attack (people) engaging in peaceful and unobstructive protest activity"; one plaintiff testified of the "terrifying violence" that she asked a single question - "Are you ICE?" - before goons "rushed me, grabbed me, and slammed me face-first into the snow" as other DHS louts filmed the assault for their "ongoing production of political theater." In the face of state terror - sequentially, Good's clearly documented murder as she was shot three, possibly four times, the appalling lies and smears from Noem, Vance, Miller et al, the despicable failures of accountability by DHS and FBI, which found a new low by then targeting Good's widow, and the mindless, ongoing escalation - we're left to take solace, in part, from the savage, stalwart wise guys of tragi-comedy who've seen us through other dark times.

On The Daily Show, Jon Stewart has offered both helpful geography lessons to moronic imperialists - "Dibs on Greenland" - and Don't Join ICE videos to aspiring thugs: "Are you the type of guy who wants to go join ICE because it looks like playing Halo? Here's a better idea: Don't join ICE, stay home in your basement where it's warm, and play Halo! Whatever void in your life is making you respond to those ICE ads, we'll fill it! Stay home! It's better for everyone! Brought to you by everyone who just wants to go outside without getting shot." Andy Borowitz announced Greenland, along with the EU, has begun construction of a maximum-security prison for pedophiles that will house "the worst of the worst." A Greenlandic spokesperson said the construction “should not be seen as an act of provocation, adding, "The only person who could be offended would be a pedophile.”

Trump's fake Peace Prize - "Local man receives giant gold-framed second-hand soother" - led Jimmy Kimmel to suggest pacifier analogies; he also offered his own bribes - his 1999 Emmy for Best Game Show Host and his 2015 Soul Train Award for "White Person of the Year" - if Trump would pull ICE out of Minnesota. Jimmy Fallon, meanwhile, claimed he'd gotten audio from the meeting with Machado, which mostly consisted of, "Gimme, gimme," "Mine," and, "Me wanty." Along with "what a view" GIFS, many others posited additional awards that Trump by all rights should receive. They include the Ten Commandments (from Moses), the All Valley Karate Championship, the Wimbledon Women's Singles, the 4H Biggest Pig, Best In Show from Westminster Kennel Club, the Award for Unusually Quickly Healed Ear, and the 1936 Olympic Gold from his hero, Hitler. It remains to be seen if, as suggested, he'll ask Taylor Swift for one of her Grammys.

Trump gets a 1936 Olympic medal from Hitler to go with his recycled peace prizeMeme from Bluesky

By way of resistance, others have just done their (jury) duty. Jacob Winkler, a 33-year-old homeless man in D.C., was arrested in September on a felony charge after allegedly shining a toy laser beam at Trump's helicopter as he left the White House. As with Sandwich Guy, fake US Attorney Jeanine Winebox Pirro was eager to prosecute another lowly perp "to the fullest extent of the law." A Statement of Probable Cause described the gritty crime: A cop shone a flashlight at Winkler, who shone a beam at the cop, then "in the direction of" the helicopter. The cop "immediately identified" the action as a lethal danger. Winkler said he didn't know he couldn't point the laser there: "He points it all kinds of things," like stop signs. Last week, a jury deliberated 35 minutes before finding him not guilty. His public defender noted the feds "spent scarce resources to make a felon out of a homeless man (with) a cat toy keychain...We need to stop policing poverty and start investing in dignity.”

There's also the anonymous hero in Florida who registered the domain nazis.us and redirected it to the DHS website. Somehow, it still works. Go there, and it shrieks "Become a homeland defender," "America has been invaded by criminals and predators. We need YOU to get them out," and "New Year, New Dirtbags," which announces "another 5,000 criminal illegal aliens added to the “Worst of the Worst” website (wow.dhs.gov) and the arrest of "over 10,000 criminal illegal aliens who were killing Americans, hurting children and reigning terror (sic) in Minneapolis." No, wait, ICE Barbie says "our brave DHS law enforcement have arrested 3,000 criminal illegal aliens including vicious murderers, rapists, child pedophiles, and incredibly dangerous individuals" in "a huge victory for public safety." Out of the 3,000, they name three so-called "criminals." No word on the other 2,997.

As to actual criminals: Jeffrey Epstein's birthday was Tuesday. In his dubious honor, the DOJ is still stonewalling on releasing files legally mandated by the Epstein Files Transparency Act (EFTA) to have been released by Dec. 19, a month ago. Instead, Pam Bondi, hours after posting, "No one is above the law!" just filed a motion to block a new effort by Reps. Ro Khanna and Thomas Massie to compel her to...follow the law. Autoworker T.J. Sabula is eager for that too, which is why he recently yelled "Pedophile protector!" at Trump as he toured a Ford plant; ever stately Trump screamed "FUCK YOU!" and flipped him off before lumbering on to a vile racist speech that blamed high living costs on....Somalis in Minnesota. Sabula was suspended - "Know your place" - the union vowed to fight for him, a GoFundMe - "TJ Sabula is a patriot!!" - raised almost half a million dollars before shutting down to make room for other causes, and Sabula had "definitely no regrets whatsoever...I don't feel as though fate looks upon you often."

The anonymous members of Secret Handshake likewise took the opportunity of what would have been Epstein's 73rd birthday to again celebrate, or publicize, perhaps the worst pedophile in modern history. Following up on their faux-bronze besties holding hands, they installed a new "participatory public artwork" on the Mall: A 10-foot-tall replica of the infamous birthday card Trump sent Epstein. One side reads, "Happy Birthday to A Terrific Guy!", the other reproduces the drawing of a naked woman, or girl. Next to it are mock boxes of redacted files, Sharpies, and an invite for visitors to write "your own message" to mark the birthday of Trump's "closest friend." Read one, "RAPISTS LOVE RAPISTS.” Their art, the group says, provides "a voice in dark times.” So did Springsteen the other night when he appeared unannounced at a New Jersey benefit to dedicate his song The Promised Land, "an ode to American possibility," to Renee Good - "if you believe that truth still matters, and it's worth speaking out."

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