Dick Cheney Rolls in His Grave

Did you feel
that? That sickly sort of rolling wave, that disquieting,
genital-shriveling temblor of seething grumpiness that swept through
the land and made dogs spasm, trees shudder and giant SUVs spit oil and
misfire?

You might've missed it. It happened just after Bill Clinton
returned from his rather astonishing rescue mission to North Korea, two
exhausted, grateful, grinning, tearful young American female
journalists in tow, Al Gore standing by with a giant smile and
President Obama and much of his administration off in the wings,
nodding approvingly, as the entire nation found itself a bit
dumbfounded at the calm and rather effortless brand of new,
intelligent, humble, hugely effective humanitarian patriotism on
display here.

The churning, teeth-grinding rumble of disquiet? It was coming, of course, from Dick Cheney.

(Author note: From here on out, the phrase "Dick Cheney" shall
hereby refer not merely to the former vice-president himself, but also
to the sour, clenched worldview he so perfectly encapsulated and still
so lovingly represents.

Dick Cheney is a lexical wonder. He can be a violent action
verb: "Dude I just Dick Cheney'd that squirrel with my F-150." He is a
dark intention: "Let's pull a Dick Cheney on that queer kid in the
locker room." He is, most of all, a state of being, a mindset, a fixed
position of general disgust. "Sorry lady, I can't save you from this
burning building. I'm far too Dick Cheney to give a damn." Clear?
Excellent. Let's continue).

See, I'm guessing Dick Cheney the man/mindset was none too
pleased at the recent turn of news events. I imagine Dick to be right
now re-watching the various video clips of the North Korea fiasco,
scowling deeply at the silly/surreal photos of Clinton seated next to
-- and towering over
-- little Kim Jong Il, the former a natural statesman and the latter
trying like hell not to look like some sort of scruffy hunk of
semicomatose lint.

Dick is right now hurling his razor-filled oatmeal at the TV
screen, wondering just what the hell happened to the true-blooded,
trigger-happy, America-as-a-clenched-fist country he worked so hard to
devolve and decimate and turn into a giant itchy shotgun. Sending a
former president to talk with this pipsqueak terrorist? Giving a
nuke-happy dictator a face-saving photo op on the NYT? Dick despises
every goddamn liberal hippie second of it.

See, what Dick would've done is, Dick would've marched right in
to Pyongyang -- or rather, let some unlucky Marines march over there --
with a few nukes, about 50 tons of C4 and a squadron of fighters, and
shown that wobbly pipsqueak tyrant the what what.

Oh sure, an insane, intractable pseudo war with a destitute,
pathetic country like North Korea would've been a disaster in roughly
1,000 ways. Who the hell cares? Dick would've made a fortune. He and
his hawk buddies would've never let America look so weak in the eyes of
dismal tyrants the world over as Obama and Clinton just did -- no
matter how well it worked, no matter that it might lead to renewed
talks about shutting down N. Korea's nuke program, no matter that the
two reporters are now home safe and happy, and it didn't cost the U.S.
hundreds of billions, waste soldiers lives and earn us the hate and
disrespect of the planet. Dick wants none of that crap.

Former U.N. Ambassador and noted hunk of anger meat John Bolton was quick to parrot the Cheney worldview in a hissing little Op-Ed in the Washington Post, saying the entire rescue reeked of American wimpiness, of dangerous, kowtowing diplomacy, when what we should
be doing is saber rattling and making macho threats and maybe bombing a
few hundred thousand innocent civilians to death to make some sort of
point. Hey, it worked in Iraq! Oh wait.

Dick Cheney reminds us of one thing: this is a perfect moment
to reflect. It is a moment to pause, take a look around and offer a
giant heap of gratitude and a huge dose of awe for just what it is that
Barack Obama hath wrought.

It is a moment, mainly, to compare governing styles, dominant
political attitudes, the directions and worldviews of two very, very
different Americas: The one Dick so brutally represented and drove like
an ice pick so deeply into the national heart, and the one President
Obama is now working to unravel, redirect, heal.

The difference is staggering. See, right now the
kill-'em-all-and-let-God-sort-'em-out crowd is utterly disgusted that
President Obama clearly has zero qualms about taking a notch or five
out of bedpost of American machismo bulls--t, about swiping the cancer
stick from the mouth of the long dead Marlboro Man and replacing it
with something like integrity, calm words of wisdom, tact.

To the Cheney metaverse, this is a disgusting and shameful way
to do America's business. With the North Korea situation, we didn't
come out looking like sweaty, bulbous titans. There was no red-faced
screaming, no flag-draped caskets. Most of all, America didn't get to
thump its chest. And if America can't thump its chest and pull out the
biggest gun and let the world know who's still boss, well, America has
no power whatsoever.

Who the hell wants to be known for demonstrating peaceful,
effective humanitarianism and calm diplomacy, and saving human lives if
it makes us look like a bunch of weak-kneed pansies? Where is the
glory? Where's the firepower? Image is everything. Strut the plumage. Carry the biggest stick. In Cheneyland, sneering intimidation is not only useful, it's vital. There is nothing else.

Or maybe not. Maybe the Obama Way is already turning out to be
far more effective, more subtle and intriguing, and much more in
America's favor, as tyrannical psychopaths like Kim Jong Il are
stupefied into compliance by even the pretense of being taken seriously
by the Great Satan, and sane world leaders across the globe finally see
a country they can deal with intelligently on pressing matters instead
of merely joining them at the gun range to blast stuff to hell.

You might say Dick is not pleased. In fact, Dick Cheney -- and
the entire hawkish, antagonistic worldview he embodies -- is downright
furious at this country's dangerous new direction. Which, in its way,
just might be the best news I've heard all year.