Putin's Craven Inept Poodle: Bonkers Across the Board

Huh. Turns out Donny’s despot bestie playdate was not a show of historic statesmanship - See the red carpet! Hear the planes roar! - but a debacle, a cringe self-own, an inglorious "hostage video in real time" as a "nuclear orange" felon beamed, clapped, lurched and excitedly greeted a war criminal "like a happy puppy." Still no deal, then or later, "but there's a good chance of getting there." (Where?) Consensus: "He invited a dictator onto U.S. soil just to get his shit rocked.”

More than eight bloody months after repeatedly boasting and blustering about ending Russia's war against Ukraine on his first day in office - "Day One. Only me." - Trump's bungled Alaska "summit" was a bloated, feckless photo-op that, while showcasing the power of an internationally shunned war criminal, "produced nothing for Trump and gave Putin most of what he was looking for" in what was deemed "a freak show of power inverted." In the end, nothing changed: "Putin's poodle" quickly abandoned the idea of the ceasefire he and Ukraine had long demanded as a key step to peace - he'd just told reporters on the flight he wanted to see it "today" - and the "severe consequences" he'd threatened without one, folded like a cheap deck of cards, and landed in the same unjust stalemate: If Zelensky gave up large chunks of his country, including the vital Donbas area, Putin won't illegally take any more land and would halt the bloodshed. JoJoFromJerz: "One nation, under Putin, with servitude and shame for all."

Before that ignoble coda, the convicted felon tried in his own, ghastly, gaudy way - "like someone ordered totalitarian chic from Amazon" - to woo the indicted war criminal. Putin is wanted by the ICC for kidnapping tens of thousands of Ukrainian children and other war crimes - never mind his political opponents oddly falling out of windows etc - and had U.S sanctions waived to legally land in the U.S. for the first time in 10 years. In his honor, Trump had U.S. soldiers on their hands and knees rolling out an actual red carpet for "the most murderous dictator of the 21st century,” a surreal sight called "disgusting." At his arrival, U.S. war planes flew overhead, and he got to ride in the presidential "Beast," which may or may not now sport bugs. After waddling out to the tarmac sweating in his rumpled suit and radioactive-orange makeup like "a traffic cone dipped in fryer oil," Trump stood slouching on said carpet; at Putin's approach he grinned and clapped "like a trained seal" as a smiling Putin swaggered towards him.

They met briefly. They spoke briefly at a presser - Putin first, longer, in Russian though on U.S. soil, Trump under three minutes - and took no questions. Both were subdued, and left Alaska within an hour. A scheduled lunch - filet mignon, crème brûlée - was cancelled, even though it was "In Honor of His Excellency Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation." Then Trump rushed to spin what was widely deemed "nothing short of a debacle." He sputtered, "There's no deal till there's a deal." He called it "a very successful day in Alaska! Everybody wants to deal with us!" He claimed "it was determined by all" - aka Putin - the best way to end the war is "a Peace Agreement, not a mere Ceasefire," and it's on Zelenskyy to "get it done." He declined to note the whole farce was largely a result of envoy/former slumlord Steve Witkoff, who doesn't speak Russian, badly misinterpreting Putin's stance. He announced he was now "heading back to the United States" - from Alaska, which is in the United States.

The reviews were scathing. One headline: "Faceplants in Alaska." "Trump gifts Putin more time to grind down Ukraine," read one lede. Also, "Nothing says standing up to Russian aggression quite like welcoming the aggressor on a red carpet and applauding him," "For those who feared the summit on Ukraine might resemble Chamberlain’s appeasement of Hitler in 1938, the reality was worse," "Putin meets with high-level asset," "Putin got one hell of a photo op," "Putin got a PR coup, Trump got nothing," "Summits usually have deliverables - this meeting had none," "Seinfeld summit, about nothing," "This is what capitulation looks like. It was grotesque pageantry," "Trump isn’t fighting for peace in Ukraine, he’s managing Russia’s victory." A flood of memes echoed them: Images of the two men with, "Putin and his dog," "Find someone who looks at you like Trump looks at Putin," "They are absolutely sleeping together," "Awaiting those consequences Donnie," "Drumpf meets his boss to get his orders," "God help us."

Even Fox seemed worried by reports of U.S. aides looking stressed, anxious, "almost ashen, even shell-shocked." Under the chyron, "President Trump Continues Pursuing Global Peace" (and trying to complete a full sentence), one host cautiously noted, "The way it felt in the room was not good...It did not seem things went well" before adding "that's the picture we have right now" but of course Trump would never "enable something that would make him look weak.” Also, nothing is ever his fault. Thus, The New Republic reported he was "furious the media won't report on the incredible concessions he wrested from Putin - oh wait, there are none." Even as Russian media lauded Putin's glitzy reception signaling "utmost respect" and a "huge diplomatic victory," Trump whined: "If Russia raised their hands and said, 'We give up, we concede, we will GIVE Ukraine (and) America Moscow...the Fake News (would) say this was a (bad) day for Donald J. Trump...These people are sick! Thank you for your attention to this matter!!!”

In fact, in one final, sloppy indignity, his flunkies were so not paying attention they left behind in a printer at the business center of an Alaskan hotel eight pages of State Department briefings for the meeting. They included locations and times of summit events, names and phone numbers of U.S. staff and U.S. and Russian leaders, the plan for POTUS to give Putin an “American Bald Eagle Desk Statue," the lunch menu and a helpful phonetic pronunciation for "Mr. POO-tihn." A White House aide dismissed the glitch as not a security breach like all the others, but for many it added to the sense of "the intertwining elements of tragedy and farce" that make up this regime and show, "Trump has no cards." Alaska and its failings, writes Anne Applebaum, are the sorry culmination of a larger dysfunction, from Witkoff's incompetence to DOGE's dismantling of U.S. foreign-policy tools, agencies and the cadre of skilled personnel who knew how to use them. "The U.S. has no cards," she says, "because we’ve been giving them away."

Sorrowfully, it must be noted, at the behest of an unfit, rabid, malignant narcissist who spent the time en route to his gazillionth golf trip Sunday feverishly re-posting unhinged memes from MAGA fans proclaiming him, "The Promise Keeper," "The leader we need," "G.O.A.T. The Legend." "We Love You, President Trump," they cooed. "You are such a blessing," "I trust this man more than anyone," "The best part of waking up is Donald Trump is President," and, per QAnon, "Democrats are the party of hate, evil and Satan." Also, "Peace Through Strength," with an AI Trump and lion. "Anyone can make war, but only most courageous (sic) can make peace."( For their part, Russia Today trolled America and the world by posting a video of an armored vehicle driving through Ukraine flying a Russian and a U.S. flag.) Set the next day to host Zelenskyy and seven more European leaders, Trump bragged of his "Big day at the White House"; ever thin-skinned, he also scolded his imaginary critics by insisting, “I know exactly what I’m doing."

In an unprecedented move, Zelensky wisely brought along his impressive bodyguards - the leaders of France, Germany, Britain, Italy, Finland, NATO and the E.U. - as a sort of intervention against Trump's bullying and idiocy. The fact he could marshal so much firepower in so short a time suggested "something went very wrong in Alaska," and much of Europe was alarmed enough they felt the need to confront "an American president who now wholly represents the interests of Russia against Ukraine, Europe, and arguably his own country." Zelensky wore a black suit, deemed fabulous, to shut up any petty sticklers for protocol; the others likewise carefully chatted, tip-toed, maneuvered around the volatile Mr. Magoo whose dangerous ravings had brought them there, trying to pretend it was normal when he, say, interrupted a photo shoot to show off his dumb ear-nicking portrait - "That was not a great day" - or dragged in Macron and Zelensky, whose country is burning, to admire his fecking collection of Trump 2028 hats.

There was much more. He boasted about the fictional six wars he's "ended without a ceasefire" (not and not), including one in "The Republic of Condo." Clearly panicked about facing voters who increasingly oppose everything he does - 38% approve, and the effects of his tariffs and deportations are just kicking in - he heeded his bestie Putin's advice and vowed to get rid of "scam" mail-in ballots "no other country has," except dozens of them, including Russia, because "Democrats cheat at levels never before seen!" This, to European leaders, despite the longstanding fact there is zero evidence of widespread voter fraud here, which is why media outlets have paid out nearly $900 million for publishing lies about the 2020 election he legit lost but nonetheless keeps yammering about. "You go in, they even ask me for my license plate for identify," he raved. "I said, 'I don't know if I have it.' They said, 'Sir, you have to have it.' And nobody has it." Heather Cox Richardson: "This" - and all the rest - "is bonkers across the board."

He also bragged about D.C., where "we went from the most unsafe place anywhere to a place that now, people, friends are calling me and they’re saying, ‘Sir, I want to thank you, my wife and I went out to dinner last night for the first time in four years, and Washington is safe, and you did that in four days.'" Also, thanks to armed, masked thugs roaming the streets, another friend's son, "a great golfer, and he came in fourth yesterday in the big tournament" went to dinner in DC where "it's busier than they’ve been in a long time," except for multiple reports the number of diners has plunged over 30%: "The city is dead." Again, he's raving to Europe's leaders there to push back against his Kremlin talking points and advocate for a ceasefire in Ukraine. By late afternoon, he didn't recognize and couldn't find Finland's President Stubb, who was sitting directly across the table from him, and responded to E.U. head Ursula Von Der Leyen's concerns about kidnapped Ukrainian children by crowing about his trade deals.

"It's like watching a dog try to do trigonometry equations," wrote one online sage of our depraved Toddler-In-Chief. And it goes on. In the middle of their meeting, Trump left to call Putin; they reportedly talked for 40 minutes. Later, he told Sean Hannity he didn't make the call in front of the others because "I thought that would be disrespectful to President Putin." On Tuesday, with the adults gone, he called into Fox and blasted Ukraine for getting invaded by Russia: "You don’t do that. You don’t take on a nation that’s 10 times your size." He praised Putin - "There's a warmth there, there's a decent feeling" - who just approved the largest Russian attack of the month on the central Ukrainian city of Kremenchuk. At some point, he upped his peace deals from six to seven. And he happily noted the European leaders came because "they have respect for our country again...Everybody wants to be here. When I made the call, they came." It was Zelenskyy who asked them to come. Of course it was. Try to stay sane-ish.