Trump Reveals Biden Lurks in White House, Raising Grocery Prices

At the end of his address to the nation on the economy, while fact-checkers were taking a break to avoid carpal-tunnel syndrome, President Donald Trump revealed the real cause of the nation’s economic problems: Joe Biden never actually left the White House, and as the enemy within, has stealthily made the decisions that have caused prices to rise during Trump’s first year back in office.

“Biden is a master of disguises,” Trump explained. “Some days he pretended to be Steve Miller, countermanding my orders to deport only the worst of the worse and directing Kristi Noem to deport every farmworker she could find in order to raise the prices of groceries. Then he was Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, urging the Fed to lower interest rates in order to overheat the economy."

“Then he was Secretary of Energy Chris Wright, an old fossil fuel guy, undermining renewable energy in order to cause electricity shortages to raise energy prices."

“One day he even snuck into the oval office while I was taking a much needed nap. He removed the sharpie from my hand and used it to increase tariffs on everything Americans buy from overseas, raising prices since Americans pay the tariffs on imports. He even raised coffee and banana tariffs.”

In a giant security failure, the Secret Service had failed to check whether Biden was actually on the departing helicopter when he supposedly left the White House last January. And FBI head Kash Patel admitted he still could not locate former and now-de-facto-acting President Biden. But officials concluded he had to be hiding somewhere in the East Wing, hence the desperate effort to root him out with bulldozers.

“We had to destroy the White House in order to save it,” observed President Trump during a waking moment. “Just wait until next year. Prices on everything are going to come down, and they’ll go down fast, starting on day 366.”