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Florida Cracks Down on Everybody (except Decent People)

Howard Troxler

And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
--Matthew 7:3

Public employees, as we all know, are parasites who should be punished. This is why we have not given them a general salary increase in several years.

This year, besides effectively cutting their pay further by requiring a pension contribution, Gov. Rick Scott also has ordered state employees to undergo drug testing no matter whether there is any reason to suspect drug use, nor whether they are in a job where it actually makes sense.

Not only do I heartily endorse this practice, but I would go further:

I would beat them, too.

That’s right. All public employees should line up in front of their workplace once a month to be beaten by the Decent People.

During these ministrations the Decent People should remind the public employees of why they are being beaten; namely, that they are lazy bureaucrats by definition.

In some cases we will have to rotate the beatings. It seems impractical to pull out all the prison guards, or take all the Florida Highway Patrol troopers off the road, all at once.

On the other hand, I think we can beat schoolteachers twice a month, wholesale, just on general principle. This can easily be worked into the schedule of the public-school system, as they are not doing anything most of the time.

You might worry whether we can find enough Decent People for the job. I do not think that will be a problem. Decent People are plentiful on the Internet; I know this because they constantly are explaining to me what is wrong with everybody else.

Public employees are not the only suspicious group. The governor just signed a new law requiring Floridians on public assistance to undergo drug testing as well. (Perhaps they will be flattered to be treated just like public employees.)

Decent People also support this law, at least, the ones in the ever-present reader comments on our website, such as this real-life example:

“Love this now they will have to sell the 20k in tires and rims on there [sic] cars or some of the bling bling.”

Because, you know, there is nobody getting help who deserves it, or because of the economy, or because he or she was foreclosed upon. Neither has anyone taken this assistance as a last resort.

I would be remiss by not including the largest group of Suspicious People of all, namely, Floridians who

Move.

Decent People do not move.

Renters, college students and the poor tend to move more often, and therefore can rightly be regarded as suspect.

So the new law of our state repeals the practice of the past 40 years, which allowed people to update their address on Election Day if they had forgotten to do it.

No more. Now if they have changed their county of residence, they must go through a separate process of casting a “provisional” ballot, instead of being allowed to vote with the Decent, Stationary People

Well! Who am I to argue? Let us demean the hired help, browbeat the needy, suppress the vote and shut down the League of Women Voters.

Then we’ll decide who’s next.


Our work is licensed under Creative Commons (CC BY-NC-ND 3.0). Feel free to republish and share widely.

Howard Troxler

In June, Howard Troxler is leaving his job of 20 years as a columnist for the St. Petersburg Times, Florida's largest daily newspaper, to move to the N.C. mountains to be close to family, friends and new endeavors.

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