The Right Goes Insane

Evil overlords to flaccid clowns in the blink of Jesus' eye. Adorable!

This much we know: Hand evil a big, sticky gob of power, and it quickly becomes a feral monster, dangerous and cruel and willing to sell its own shriveled heart and the heart of its very remorseful mother for a shot at everlasting infamy, even more power and maybe some fresh, raw kitten blood, intravenously, just for the hell of it.

Oh, but take that same vile leviathan and suddenly strip away all its power and influence and capacity for wickedness, and watch it deflate like a wheezing circus tent, quickly turning into a trembling caricature of its former self, a tiny, elfin thing small enough to fit into a shoebox of panic and pathos and residual Godspit.

Behold, this delightful rule in full effect with the once portentous, now pitiable Republican party. Watch in wonder as gaff follows gaff, astonishing pronouncement follows childish meltdown, ludicrous statement leads into pure comedy of errors followed by moderate 40-year veterans of the party splitting for bluer, less abusive pastures. What a scene.

There is much good news to be found in the ongoing GOP implosion; their obsession with Owedge issues' like abortion and gay marriage, along with hilarious claims of socialism and fascism are proving to be the absolute best news for the nation as a whole. Because as the GOP wallows in juvenile spectacle, Obama and the Dems are leaping headlong into one of the most ambitious, invigorating, nation-altering agendas in American history.

Of course, it ain't all flowers and candy. This much unfettered movement for any party, left or right, can also be just insanely dangerous, could theoretically result in a blowback for the Dems exactly as destructive and apocalyptic as the horrendous Bush Era proved to be for the once-temperate Repubs.

Is it already heading that way? Will it happen? Not a chance.

But before we see why, let us enjoy a bit of the comedy. Because really, who could've guessed that, for example, former drug addict and all around bulbous, cigar-chomping radio jackal Rush Limbaugh would turn into the most influential conservative in the country, more powerful than, say, the GOP's own chairman, Michael Steele, who was recently found kneeling to kiss Rush's fat, sweaty ring?

Ah, but even Rush can't match the genuine lump of crazy that is the latest bearded lady to step onstage at the Fox News freakshow, Glenn Beck, a truly insane hunk of weirdness who's fun to watch not for any attempt at genuine insight or O'Reilly-esque pseudo-intelligence, but because of how he endears himself to viewers by acting exactly like your crazy uncle Ernie, the one who eats Miracle Whip straight from the jar and hears voices in his armpits and stares just a bit too long at any 10-year-old within range. Weep on, Glenn!

But weep not for Miss California, who's happy as a Prozac clam to take on the title as the new face of Republican hetero marriage. Isn't she lovely? A skinny, fake-breasted blonde mouthful of air who does exactly as she's told and never questions her scary Bible and doesn't really like sex and you want to stick that thing where? Ewww! She's perfect.

What, too trifling? I understand.

Let's get serious. Let's talk about the economy. Let's take a look at the Republican's counter-proposal to Obama's stunning, comprehensive $3.5 trillion budget.

Did you see it? Their little blue pamphlet, all 18 pages of it, which contained not a single dollar figure and was filled with bizarre little diagrams and wacky clip art circa 1988, and looked like it was photocopied at a 24-hour Kinko's by a very stoned senator's aide, because it was? When the "Republican Road to Recovery" was passed around, reporters actually laughed out loud, thought it must be some sort of gag written by the guys over at The Onion. It wasn't.

Speaking of serious, what of those 17 Republican congressmen who seriously proposed a resolution to rename the Democratic Party the "Democratic Socialist Party?" So cute! Of course, the name they really wanted, "The Boogerbrained Party of Doodylicking Stupidheads," was nixed after they all rode their skateboards to John Boehner's' house and played Resident Evil V until their eyes bled and Boehner's mom made them some sugar cookies and they totally forgot.

But for sheer freakshow fun, nothing tops Fox News furiously masturbating itself raw over the biggest imitation news story it could possibly invent this year: the Great Tea Bag Uproar of 2009, featuring a few thousand very confused taxpayers protesting, well, they weren't exactly sure what, waving tea bags in the air and threatening to secede and then talking hotly about "teabagging" the president. Delightful.

The list, as they say, goes on. Witness every utterance of Michele Bachmann, see the new GOP promotional video featuring a burning Pentagon and Obama touching Hugo Chavez, or tremble in fear at a special Fox News report on how the Super Devil is currently terrorizing Christian children with adulterous marmalade. I am so not kidding.

Ah, but we must acknowledge the potential downside. Because it wasn't that long ago that the Dems were much like the Repubs are now, the meek, humiliated party of desperation and pathos, begging for scraps from the freakishly empowered GOP of 1998. Remember?

Of course, you might (rightly) understate that the current Obamafied agenda is just slightly different than the toxic plan the GOP vomited up under Bush back then, which was perhaps the most abusive, insular, self-serving hunk of political devastation in our short history, and therefore the GOP fully deserved to go from all-consuming, unstoppable force to adorable punch line in the blink of a Kansas creationist's eye.

But that's not really the key difference. No, this time the Dems just so happen to be blessed beyond human comprehension with something very unique indeed, a true golden ticket, a magic death-ray force field of intellectual virtuosity even they don't seem to fully comprehend or know how to keep up with. They have Barack Obama himself.

Truly, the man outpaces and outshines even his own party. At nearly every turn, Obama often seems to be merely tolerating the whole two-party system, the whole D.C. dance he's forced to waltz, all of it merely a distraction to getting things done. It's as though he's an entirely new political mechanism, and the Dems just happen to be lucky enough to be the party that's most aligned with it. Meanwhile, it's all apparently driving the opposition party -- quite literally -- insane.

And really, isn't that just that the most delightful thing to watch?

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