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Dubya v. Saddam: Mano E Mano

Tom Turnipseed

Why not a mano-e-mano, duel to the death between George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein? Or maybe Dubya and Saddam could fight it out without weapons in a barehanded, bare-fisted, no-holds-barred brawl until one gives up. The one who asks for quarter is subject to immediate regime change. Since both Dubya and Saddam came to power under somewhat dubious circumstances their replacement will be chosen in a special election to be personally monitored by Jimmy Carter.

The outcome of the Dubya v. Saddam match-up will affect the global struggle for energy resources. The control of Iraq's vast oil reserves is at stake. A regime change in Iraq would mean that the United States would control Iraq's oil. A regime change in the United States could mean that the United States would move vigorously into renewable sources of energy and energy conservation. If they fight to a draw there will be a regime change and special elections in the United States and Iraq.

Imagine the media magic of actual physical combat between the two most controversial and hated men in the world. The wily and mythical Osama bin Laden is also right at the top of the world class bad boys list but he could be either dead or hiding out in some cave in the barren wilds of eastern Afghanistan or western Pakistan and perhaps too debilitated from kidney disease to have much of a chance against Dubya, a fanatical fitness freak.. If alive, maybe Osama would take a respite from his reclusiveness to become a member of an Arabic/Islamic tag-team with Saddam. Then "Tony the Terrier" Blair could team up with Dubya. Without much of a bite, Blair could basically bark his high-pitched patronage of Bush from the turnbuckle in a show of Anglo-American/Christian solidarity.

The only show better than a hero against a villain, is a villain taking on a villain, or, even better, a tag-team of villains against a tag-team of villains. The World Wrestling Federation could really live up to their name and go word-wide with the ultimate main event for the ages. What a mucho-macho match-up! The ultimate Texas Death Match featuring in the near corner - the most powerful man in the world - George W. Bush and, in the far corner - the surly and demonic ruler of Iraq - Saddam Hussein.

It is hard for Americans to understand what a villain Dubya is to the rest of the world because of our extremely ethnocentric and jingoistic corporate media culture in the United States. A global sampling of public opinion now shows that Dubya need look no further than a mirror to see an "evil one." The media build-up for the greatest fight on earth would saturate the violence-peddling airwaves and front pages of American media and world-wide media would also buy into this proxy war for global energy resources.

It would be the greatest news/sports event in the history of the world. It would totally dominate the ratings of the worldwide media with many specials and daily programs leading up to the mano e mano battle of Dubya v. Saddam. Ratings of shows like MSNBC's "Countdown to Iraq" are minuscule in comparison to the numbers of viewers that will be checking out "Countdown to Dubya versus Saddam, Winner Take All." It will be a media bonanza on the news talk channels and front pages, the sports pages and sports channels from CNN to ESPN, the N.Y. Times to the London Times and the BBC to Al Jazeera.

The truth is that Dubya and Saddam are abundantly aware of their power. Each of them is quite wealthy and both live a life of luxury in palaces and mansions surrounded by servants and sycophants while many people in their respective realms are destitute and in despair. They both walk with a strut and a swagger and talk tough. Bush fancies himself as the world's high sheriff and Hussein believes he is Saladin incarnate. Their mutual malevolence is monumental. They obviously have a very personal and pernicious hatred for each other. They continuously call each other "evil" and they relish in retorting to evil epithets from the other, but everyday people in the U.S. and Iraq aren't sold on the idea of a having a real war over their war of words.

Since Dubya and Saddam feel so strongly about each other it would be most fitting for them to direct such personal animosity toward each other rather than put so many innocent people in harms way.

Are their lives really any more valuable than the thousands of innocent, ordinary people who will be killed in a war with Iraq?

Are Dubya and Saddam ready to rumble?

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Tom Turnipseed

Tom Turnipseed

Tom Turnipseed is an attorney, writer and peace activist in Columbia, SC. His blog is

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