A Thank You Letter From Coronavirus to My Enablers in the United States

To all who have helped me flourish:

This note of appreciation is long overdue. I apologize for the delay. Since my arrival on your shores, chaos has reigned. Yet, I should have made time to write.

Like the most infamous of my ilk, I am responsible for an incalculable amount of human suffering, pain, and death. It is how I survive. I know of no other way.

Admittedly, I expected to be met with an all-out attempt to nullify me, as well as a unified effort to avoid, at all cost, exposure to my lethality. The former is well underway. The latter? Well, thankfully for me, not so much.

It's been said that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people he didn't exist. And while I take justifiable pride in mastering both the art of invisibility and asymptomatic transmission, I've had nothing to do with perpetuating the notion that I'm a hoax. That, my dear readers, has been all you.

I confess, I've been equal parts delighted and perplexed as to why millions of you have gone out of your way to clear a path for my destructive tendencies. Naively, I had assumed that, save for cosmetic differences, people were people and would band together during a time of crisis. As the months went by, I slowly began to understand why things didn't play out that way.

Turns out, a trait I'd considered universal to your species--an invisible entity of your own, known as a conscience--was either missing or lay dormant in more of you than I could possibly imagine. Again, lucky for me. How else to explain your indifference toward the health and well being of your fellow countrymen and women?

The limited nature of this correspondence does not permit me to thank each of you by name, though I'm certain you know who you are. I do, however, wish to acknowledge a few high-profile supporters who've worked tirelessly to sustain my viability.

First and foremost, I must extend my heartfelt gratitude to your President. No one has done more to facilitate my ability to infect the masses. From lying to the public about my capacity to inflict harm, to inspiring and encouraging widespread noncompliance with the recommendations of medical experts, he's been nothing less than my trusted right-hand man.

Not to be outdone are Mr. Trump's loyal foot soldiers, be they members of Congress, government employees, or local officials--each destined to be fondly remembered for their willingness to follow their leader into the Inferno. Muchas gracias to all.

I'm also forever indebted to Bob Woodward for placing his own interests above the safety of everyone else. By withholding the smoking gun he discovered during his interviews with the President until it best suited him, Mr. Woodward gave me time I never should have had to solidify my foothold, while simultaneously affording Mr. Trump and his allies invaluable cover.

Still, instrumental as those prominent individuals have been to my success, it is your assistance which has been truly indispensable. You are the ones who willingly place not only your lives on the line for me, but the lives of your friends, loved ones, and pretty much everyone you meet. Without your fervent defiance of safety protocols, I might well be on my last legs by now.

Thanks to you, I remain alive and as potent as ever. And with your continued help, I may be able to wreak havoc for years to come.

Honestly folks, I couldn't have done it without you.

In Solidarity,

CV-19