12 Things to Throw at Bush
A shoe? Not bad. But surely we can do better
Thousands of Iraqis took to the streets Monday to demand the release of a reporter who threw his shoes at President George W. Bush, as Arabs across many parts of the Middle East hailed the journalist as a hero and praised his insult as a proper send-off to the unpopular U.S. president. - Associated Press
A shoe is an honest choice. Civilized. Convenient. Sends a simple "you're an artless jackass, and everyone knows it" kind of message. What's more, a hurled shoe is a timeless bit of wisecrackery, sort of like a pie in the face or standing up and hurling your drink at your two-faced lover in a restaurant. Classic.
But this is Dubya we're talking about. Worst. President. Ever. Surely he deserves better. Surely he deserves something a bit more ... thoughtful? Profound? Ironic? After all, while a shoe is nice, it's also terribly cliched. Boring, even.
Of course, I officially endorse none of the following far more appropriate, delightfully hurl-able options. Do not ever throw anything at President Bush, because you could get shot or perhaps go to jail for a very long time, which, despite how you'd be hailed a hero worldwide forevermore, would just be no fun at all. Don't do it. Throwing is wrong. OK?
1) Rainbow flag
Obvious, but effective. What better way to say, "Thanks for keeping the last fundamental civil right in hateful lockdown for another 20 years by kowtowing to the sexually ignorant and the religiously malformed, you sad lump of homophobic lint."
Bonus suggestion: Attach small photo of Bush's new son-in-law and Rove sycophant, Henry Hager, to the flag. Implied rumor: Henry's secretly gay! Just like half the GOP and all televangelists and John Travolta! The AP photogs will eat it up.
Note: Be sure to fold flag tightly for ideal trajectory, lest it unravel mid-flight and accidentally land on the head of the Saudi Arabian reporter, inducing horrified screams and spontaneous combustion. No one wants a scene.
2) Book about science
Clever! Something this president has actually never seen before: A real book full of complex ideas written by people who actually understand that humans didn't ride on the backs of dinosaurs, the Earth is not a giant litter box made of Cheez-Whiz and Jesus spittle, and that the Bible is basically a violent little children's fable. Amazing. Make it a soft paperback, because those hardbacks are a bitch and you don't want to hurt anyone. Remember, science is your friend.
3) Birth control pills
Turns out those little pink plastic saucer things actually soar quite well when hurled like little Frisbees o' Female Empowerment. It's a nice way to thank Bush for sucking the sour teat of the sexist religious right and Catholic church, front-loading the nation's courts with misogynist judges and stabbing at the heart of women's rights for nearly a decade.
Alternative: Load individual RU-486 pills into a large straw and blast them at Bush's head like Divine Spitwads of Cervical Righteousness. It's more sustained fun, and might get you in less trouble overall. Don't forget to aim a few at Jenna, in the honest hope she will never, ever breed. Hey, it's for her own good. Didn't you know her husband is secretly gay? I swear I just read that somewhere.
Back in the early days of the Worst Presidency Ever, Bush used mostly Burnt Sienna with the occasional Purple Pizzazz. But lately Dubya's been turning to Mango Tango and Beaver, with a bit of Neon Carrot -- saying that one aloud always makes him giggle -- to sign all those laws, last-minute enviro rollbacks, sweetheart deals to Big Oil, final bitch-slaps and FUs to the conscious and the hopeful.
Did you know the Crayola company officially replaced Teal Blue with a color called "Wild Blue Yonder"? That makes George feel proud to be an American. He says to himself, "You think that damn Al Qaeda would ever use a color like that? You're gul-dang right they wouldn't! They're use some stupid America-hating color like Terrorism Turquoise or Suicide Bomber Sepia. Jerks!"
5) Dick Cheney
Cheney, thought to be made up entirely of black tar, razor blades and cold, glowering evil, certainly looks like he weighs as much as a tumescent water buffalo, and therefore would be just impossibly difficult to raise over your head and heave at Bush with any sort of accuracy or distance.
Turns out, however, that Dick is merely a phantasm, a collective nightmare, a little smear of something slimy and gray and unidentifiable, like you find on a dark road after it rains. Deeply unpleasant, but also nearly weightless. Easy to fling, after all! Warning: Do not to get any on your fingers or anywhere near your eyes or other mucus membranes. He may be an ephemeral hellbeast, but he's still one enormously toxic Dick.
6) Hunk of glacial ice
Not much left, so you'd better hurry. Here, George, shove this last snowball from what's left of Greenland into your lemonade this summer at the ranch. Thanks for all the brutal enviro rollbacks and rejecting Kyoto and making America the pathetic laughingstock of the entire scientific community. May you reincarnate as a starving, scabrous polar bear, adrift on a melting ice floe, wondering what happened to your home.
Alternate: hunk of ozone. For nearly identical reasons.
7) Prosthetic limb
Imagine this perfect scene: You raise your right hand to ask Bush a question. Bush points at you, "Yes?" You calmly raise your left hand, reach over to your right and give a little tug and pop! Off comes your entire right arm from the socket! Before anyone can register what's happening, said arm is winging through the air, straight at Bush's head. Bonk! See? Not only have you conked him, you've slapped him as well. Now that's poetry.
Terrific reminder of the tens of thousands of young U.S. soldiers who've been maimed, mutilated and permanently scarred in Bush's lost, futile, disgusting war. Imagine the hilarious photos! It's tragicomic, really.
8) Hanging chads
Because we will never forget.
Good luck finding any. Maybe over in Pakistan? North Korea? Toronto? Still, imagine the shock on Bush's tired face. Finally, some WMD! Right here in my lap! He'd stroke it like a feral kitten and cry.
Alternate choice: Glowering Taliban fighter. There's been a big resurgence, after all. Plenty to go around. Plus, Islamic terrorist jackals don't eat much. Makes them light as pillows. Fun to throw!
10) National sense of pride/hope/dignity
We used to have quite a lot. Now the only place to really find any is over at Obama transition headquarters, where they're giving it out to desperate citizens for free, by the truckload, as much as you can carry, like medicine from the Red Cross after a major disaster. Problem: People have been throwing this stuff at Bush for years, with zero effect. He just thinks it's some sort of bizarre foreign food and feeds it to the dog. Or Saudi Arabia.
11) Entire remainder of gutted, ruined Republican party
This quivering mass of ignoble sadness and blighted phlegm will now fit comfortably into the palm of your hand, ready to hurl. Be sure to wear gloves. One drawback: Most Republicans are already chucking huge, angry hunks of blame at Bush for destroying the Cult of the Great God Reagan. You might have to get in line.
Throw some if you can, but if possible, better to just run up and dump enormous buckets of it over Bush's head. Of course, he will not notice. He will merely blink a few times and get that look on his face like he almost had a thought, then it passed, like a bit of gas. Reality has evaded this president for eight solid years and possibly over two million lifetimes. He will never, ever see it. No matter. At least it's real. And it still beats a shoe.
© 2008 The San Francisco Chronicle