12 Things to Throw at Bush

A shoe? Not bad. But surely we can do better

Thousands of Iraqis took to the streets
Monday to demand the release of a reporter who threw his shoes at
President George W. Bush, as Arabs across many parts of the Middle East
hailed the journalist as a hero and praised his insult as a proper
send-off to the unpopular U.S. president. - Associated Press

A shoe is an honest choice. Civilized.
Convenient. Sends a simple "you're an artless jackass, and everyone
knows it" kind of message. What's more, a hurled shoe is a timeless bit
of wisecrackery, sort of like a pie in the face or standing up and
hurling your drink at your two-faced lover in a restaurant. Classic.

But this is Dubya we're talking about. Worst. President. Ever.
Surely he deserves better. Surely he deserves something a bit more ...
thoughtful? Profound? Ironic? After all, while a shoe is nice, it's
also terribly cliched. Boring, even.

Of course, I officially endorse none of the following far more appropriate, delightfully hurl-able options. Do not ever throw anything at President Bush,
because you could get shot or perhaps go to jail for a very long time,
which, despite how you'd be hailed a hero worldwide forevermore, would
just be no fun at all. Don't do it. Throwing is wrong. OK?

1) Rainbow flag

Obvious, but effective. What better way to say, "Thanks for
keeping the last fundamental civil right in hateful lockdown for
another 20 years by kowtowing to the sexually ignorant and the
religiously malformed, you sad lump of homophobic lint."

Bonus suggestion: Attach small photo of Bush's new son-in-law
and Rove sycophant, Henry Hager, to the flag. Implied rumor: Henry's
secretly gay! Just like half the GOP and all televangelists and John
Travolta! The AP photogs will eat it up.

Note: Be sure to fold flag tightly for ideal trajectory, lest
it unravel mid-flight and accidentally land on the head of the Saudi
Arabian reporter, inducing horrified screams and spontaneous
combustion. No one wants a scene.

2) Book about science

Clever! Something this president has actually never seen before:
A real book full of complex ideas written by people who actually
understand that humans didn't ride on the backs of dinosaurs, the Earth
is not a giant litter box made of Cheez-Whiz and Jesus spittle, and
that the Bible is basically a violent little children's fable. Amazing.
Make it a soft paperback, because those hardbacks are a bitch and you
don't want to hurt anyone. Remember, science is your friend.

3) Birth control pills

Turns out those little pink plastic saucer things actually soar
quite well when hurled like little Frisbees o' Female Empowerment. It's
a nice way to thank Bush for sucking the sour teat of the sexist
religious right and Catholic church, front-loading the nation's courts
with misogynist judges and stabbing at the heart of women's rights for
nearly a decade.

Alternative: Load individual RU-486 pills into a large straw
and blast them at Bush's head like Divine Spitwads of Cervical
Righteousness. It's more sustained fun, and might get you in less
trouble overall. Don't forget to aim a few at Jenna, in the honest hope
she will never, ever breed. Hey, it's for her own good. Didn't you know
her husband is secretly gay? I swear I just read that somewhere.

4) Crayons

Back in the early days of the Worst Presidency Ever, Bush used mostly Burnt Sienna with the occasional Purple Pizzazz.
But lately Dubya's been turning to Mango Tango and Beaver, with a bit
of Neon Carrot -- saying that one aloud always makes him giggle -- to
sign all those laws, last-minute enviro rollbacks, sweetheart deals to
Big Oil, final bitch-slaps and FUs to the conscious and the hopeful.

Did you know the Crayola company officially replaced Teal Blue
with a color called "Wild Blue Yonder"? That makes George feel proud to
be an American. He says to himself, "You think that damn Al Qaeda would
ever use a color like that? You're gul-dang right they wouldn't!
They're use some stupid America-hating color like Terrorism Turquoise
or Suicide Bomber Sepia. Jerks!"

5) Dick Cheney

Cheney, thought to be made up entirely of black tar, razor
blades and cold, glowering evil, certainly looks like he weighs as much
as a tumescent water buffalo, and therefore would be just impossibly
difficult to raise over your head and heave at Bush with any sort of
accuracy or distance.

Turns out, however, that Dick is merely a phantasm, a
collective nightmare, a little smear of something slimy and gray and
unidentifiable, like you find on a dark road after it rains. Deeply
unpleasant, but also nearly weightless. Easy to fling, after all!
Warning: Do not to get any on your fingers or anywhere near your eyes
or other mucus membranes. He may be an ephemeral hellbeast, but he's
still one enormously toxic Dick.

6) Hunk of glacial ice

Not much left, so you'd better hurry. Here, George, shove this
last snowball from what's left of Greenland into your lemonade this
summer at the ranch. Thanks for all the brutal enviro rollbacks and
rejecting Kyoto and making America the pathetic laughingstock of the
entire scientific community. May you reincarnate as a starving,
scabrous polar bear, adrift on a melting ice floe, wondering what
happened to your home.

Alternate: hunk of ozone. For nearly identical reasons.

7) Prosthetic limb

Imagine this perfect scene: You raise your right hand to ask Bush a question. Bush points at you, "Yes?" You calmly raise your left hand, reach over to your right and give a little tug and pop! Off comes your entire right arm
from the socket! Before anyone can register what's happening, said arm
is winging through the air, straight at Bush's head. Bonk! See? Not
only have you conked him, you've slapped him as well. Now that's poetry.

Terrific reminder of the tens of thousands of young U.S.
soldiers who've been maimed, mutilated and permanently scarred in
Bush's lost, futile, disgusting war. Imagine the hilarious photos! It's
tragicomic, really.

8) Hanging chads

Because we will never forget.

9) WMD

Good luck finding any. Maybe over in Pakistan? North Korea?
Toronto? Still, imagine the shock on Bush's tired face. Finally, some
WMD! Right here in my lap! He'd stroke it like a feral kitten and cry.

Alternate choice: Glowering Taliban fighter. There's been a big
resurgence, after all. Plenty to go around. Plus, Islamic terrorist
jackals don't eat much. Makes them light as pillows. Fun to throw!

10) National sense of pride/hope/dignity

We used to have quite a lot. Now the only place to really find
any is over at Obama transition headquarters, where they're giving it
out to desperate citizens for free, by the truckload, as much as you
can carry, like medicine from the Red Cross after a major disaster.
Problem: People have been throwing this stuff at Bush for years, with
zero effect. He just thinks it's some sort of bizarre foreign food and
feeds it to the dog. Or Saudi Arabia.

11) Entire remainder of gutted, ruined Republican party

This quivering mass of ignoble sadness and blighted phlegm will
now fit comfortably into the palm of your hand, ready to hurl. Be sure
to wear gloves. One drawback: Most Republicans are already chucking
huge, angry hunks of blame at Bush for destroying the Cult of the Great
God Reagan. You might have to get in line.

12) Reality

Throw some if you can, but if possible, better to just run up
and dump enormous buckets of it over Bush's head. Of course, he will
not notice. He will merely blink a few times and get that look on his
face like he almost had a thought, then it passed, like a bit of gas.
Reality has evaded this president for eight solid years and possibly
over two million lifetimes. He will never, ever see it. No matter. At
least it's real. And it still beats a shoe.

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