New Rule: Let's Not Fire the Teachers When Students Don't Learn - Let's Fire the Parents

New Rule: Let's not fire the teachers when students don't learn -
let's fire the parents. Last week President Obama defended the firing
of every single teacher in a struggling high school in a poor Rhode
Island neighborhood. And the kids were outraged. They said, "Why blame
our teachers?" and "Who's President Obama?" I think it was Whitney
Houston who said, "I believe that children are our future - teach them
well and let them lead the way." And that's the last sound piece of
educational advice this country has gotten - from a crack head in the
'80's.

Yes, America has found its new boogeyman to blame for our crumbling
educational system. It's just too easy to blame the teachers, what with
their cushy teachers' lounges, their fat-cat salaries, and their
absolute authority in deciding who gets a hall pass. We all remember
high school - canning the entire faculty is a nationwide revenge
fantasy. Take that, Mrs. Crabtree! And guess what? We're chewing gum
and no, we didn't bring enough for everybody.

But isn't it convenient that once again it turns out that the
problem isn't us, and the fix is something that doesn't require us to
change our behavior or spend any money. It's so simple: Fire the bad
teachers, hire good ones from some undisclosed location, and hey, while
we're at it let's cut taxes more. It's the kind of comprehensive
educational solution that could only come from a completely ignorant
people.

Firing all the teachers may feel good - we're Americans, kicking
people when they're down is what we do - but it's not really their
fault. Now, undeniably, there are some bad teachers out there. They
don't know the material, they don't make things interesting, they have
sex with the same kid every day instead of spreading the love around...
But every school has crappy teachers. Yale has crappy teachers - they
must, they gave us George Bush.

According to all the studies, it doesn't matter what teachers do.
Although everyone appreciates foreplay. What matters is what parents
do. The number one predictor of a child's academic success is parental
involvement. It doesn't even matter if your kid goes to private or
public school. So save the twenty grand a year and treat yourself to a
nice vacation away from the little bastards.

It's also been proven that just having books in the house makes a
huge difference in a child's development. If your home is adorned with
nothing but Hummel dolls, DVD's, and bleeding Jesuses, congratulations,
you've just given your children the gift of Duh. Sarah Palin said
recently she wrote on her hand because her father used to do it. I rest
my case.

When there are no books in the house, and there are no parents in
the house, you know who raises the kids? That's right, the television.
Kids aren't keeping up with their studies; they're keeping up with the
Kardashians. We're allowing the television, as babysitter, to turn us
into a nation of slutty idiots. By the way, one sign your 9-year-old
may be watching too much One Tree Hill: if she has an imaginary friend with benefits.