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Friday, August 11, 2017
Note To Wall Street: Never Mind Your Nuclear Stock Tips For “Highly Dovish Forward Guidance." On Account of Everyone Being, You Know, Dead.
We can't even. As tensions with North Korea escalate, the bloodless souls at the Wall Street Journal wrote a piece analyzing how the stock market would fare in an all-out nuclear war. Buy yen and bunds, they say, and don't mind "t he yield curve would likely flatten," along with the world. People have been duly horrified, conceding a likely bullish market on canned goods, iodine tablets and cockroaches but noting, in the end, "The dead don't care about markets."
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Wednesday, August 9, 2017
In The Best Interests of the Nation: How A Crooked President Resigns
Wednesday marks the 43rd anniversary of the resignation of Richard Nixon - a singular political milestone now devoutly to be wished. Eerie parallels abound: the charges of obstruction of justice, the lies, the reality, as Nixon conceded, that to "fight (for) my personal vindication" would absorb a nation with far better things to do. Revisiting the moment, most shocking is what seems like Nixon's gravitas. WTF: Putting those two words together shows just how low we've sunk.
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Tuesday, August 8, 2017
This Is A Sick Child: Trump Gets A Twice-Daily Folder of Good News About Himself. This Is Not the Onion, Though We Wish It Was.
Nation, the President of the United States: Thanks to leakers, VICE News reports that twice a day Trump gets delivered a folder of admiring tweets, stories, screenshots and other news about how bigly great he is; we the people pay a flunkie $89,000 a year to dig up the stuff. Sometimes, there are just photos of Trump on TV "looking powerful." What a pathetic excuse for a human being. We think we need to lie down now, or maybe throw up.
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Monday, August 7, 2017
By Any Other Name: Resisting "Weather Extremes" and Other Trumpian Crapola
About that move by Dumpster and his oil-rich goons to create a pretend-it's-not-there-and-hope-it'll-go away-even-though-we're-gonna-all-die reality: No. Their Orwellian ban on the term "climate change" - now “weather extremes," thanks - has met a flood of opposition, from scientists leaking a damning report to artists working underwater to a rogue Alt N ational Park Service upping their game. Because "climate change isn't like Voldemort - not saying its name won't keep it from happening."
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Final Chance! (We Hope!)
Another week at the circus. But take glad note: Despite denial, bravado and a Monday morning tweetstorm issuing from the Not-On-Vacation-Liar-In-Chief, Trump's numbers keep plummeting. Also hmm: In the last few weeks, we've gotten no less than 28 plaintive, fake-and-swamp-drivel-filled emails from The Trump Team asking for $1 donations and offering gear at 75% off. "Friend," they exhort, "supplies are going fast! Final chance!" God, we hope so.
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Friday, August 4, 2017
Walls Work (In Your Fever Dreams)
Given Our National Disgrace's blindly idiotic love of walls, it was only a matter of time before he turned up on an infamous one: Israel's Apartheid Wall. This week, thanks to the Australian street artist Lushsux, Trumpster appeared twice on the wall, lovingly hugging an IDF watchtower and promising a brother wall to the concrete atrocity that daily afflicts Palestinians. Still, he persists in the stupid dream because - real quote - "Walls work. Just ask Israel." Oy.
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Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Stephen Please Leave
Dear God make it stop. See Stephen Miller - policy adviser, hollow-eyed Nazi ghoul and white supremacist hate child of Ann Coulter and Joseph Goebbels, just 31 but "older in dog-whistle years" - harangue an immigrant reporter for suggesting a Drumpfian ban of immigrants who aren't English-speaking or money-having is racist. Critics - including Miller's immigrant uncle - say such an "ethnic purity test" would be "a terrible step into darkness." To be clear: Further darkness.
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What Would Sartre Say: Coloring As Cheap But Vital Therapy
With Wednesday randomly slated as National Coloring Book Day, we figured we'd "make coloring great again" by visiting the flood of anti-Trump adult coloring books, from "F*ck Trump" to "Color Me Resisting" to "We Shall Overcomb: How to Survive the Presidency of the Angry Cheeto," with pages like "Mandate My Ass," "Yuge Mistake," "Resist the Furor." Because every little crayon-clutching moment of Zen helps us persist.
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Tuesday, August 1, 2017
What We See: Norway Islamophobes Are Hating On Empty Bus Seats
A Norwegian prank morphed into a teachable moment when members of the right-wing, anti-immigrant "Fatherland First" group freaked out at a Facebook photo of what they thought were “scary” burqa-clad women - "You can never know who is under there," they note ominously. "Frightening times we are living in” - that turned out to be empty bus seats. One anti-racism advocate on popular delusions: "People see what they want to see."
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Monday, July 31, 2017
Mooch We Hardly Knew Ye
Pity the poor Mooch. After his wife dumped him and he skipped the birth of his son, his firing after just ten gloriously deranged days in his job - two weeks before it started - sparked a jubilant online flood of Mooch memes and jokes, as in, "I've had naps/hook-ups/periods/tanks of gas/hold times on the phone with Comcast that lasted longer." Now, in a final indignity/stellar troll, Harvard Law School's alumni directory has listed him as dead. Karma rules.
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