We Love the Smell Of Indictments In the Evening

Oh yeah. Thank God, Jack Smith, the Boxes Hoax and just this once the media for the news twice-impeached, once-indicted, sedition-attempting, legally liable for sexual abuse crook, grifter, rancid heap of human garbage and cameo actor in Home Alone 2 Donald Trump has been indicted, this time reportedly on seven federal charges ranging from willful retention of national defense information under the Espionage Act to conspiracy to obstruct justice to making “false statements.” Espionage! Good times.

The first-ever, about-damn-time indictment of a felonious former president on federal charges comes via a previously unrevealed federal grand jury impaneled in Florida last month to consider charges stemming from the Slobfather's hoarding of top-secret documents at Hell-a-Lago, and his hissy-fit refusal to return them. The indictment remains under seal, but will likely become public when he's arraigned Tuesday -creep perp walk alert! - at federal court in Miami. Last week, federal prosecutors had formally told his lawyers he was the target of a criminal investigation, but rumors that the head of DOJ's counter-espionage department was involved spiced up the wait. So did word that prosecutors had made a cunning, preemptive end run around Trump's famous I-declassified-things-in-my-head possible defense by not using the term "classified information" to ensure he could still face ten years in prison. Did we mention good times around here?

Already facing 34 state counts of falsifying business records in a New York criminal case, a D.C. grand jury looking into January 6, a Georgia grand jury on election fraud, a $10 million defamation case by Jean Carroll, a gazillion lawsuits and the flames of hell licking at his stubby little fingers, the longtime felon reacted to the latest evidence of his tawdry loserdom with his and his family's usual grace, shrieking and raging it's a "DARK DAY" for the U.S. and "I AM AN INNOCENT MAN!” and "DOJ, FBI, NEW YORK A.G., NEW YORK D.A., ATLANTA D.A. FASCISTS ALL!" and "PERFECT Ukraine phone call" and "SCAMS & WITCH HUNTS. A TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE &ELECTION INTERFERENCE AT A LEVEL NEVER SEEN BEFORE," like always. It's apparently all a rude surprise for the idiot narcissist who's been surrounded by multiple minions giving him "too much happy talk for way too long" about what was coming down the righteous pike, or not. Yup: times good.

Also, Mark Meadows may have flipped and pleaded guilty to lesser charges for some immunity, very bad news for a guy seriously spiraling down. Steve Bannon, somehow free while appealing his own convictions, was subpoenaed by another Jack Smith grand jury to probe the 2020 election and Jan. 6. His two lead lawyers just quit - rats/sinking ship - the e-mail lady just chimed in, and bellicose GOP presidential hopefuls hover, from "tower of unctuousness" Mike Pence timidly decrying the scumbag who almost got him hung to Chris Christie slamming "the last throes of a bitter angry man" whose family's grift is "breathtaking." Twitter's evil, but see #TrumpIndictment, #Justice, #MuellerSheWrote, #KamalaNation, George Conway's gleeful, "For the rule of law, Santa's going to come early this year," and jubilation across the land that a creepy lifelong crook's untouchable victory run may at last be over. Oh, holy retribution. May he never have a day of peace to the end of his squalid, wretched life. So yeah: good times, and fuck him.