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Some of the over 50,000 Hitler youth who attended the 1936 Nazi Party Congress rally in Nuremberg cheering Adolf Hitler's speech. Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

You've Been Selected! Get Your BEAUTIFUL Former Guy Loyalty Cards Now and He'll Send A Secret Decoder Ring Right Away, Or Maybe the Next Day, Or For Sure the Day After

Abby Zimet

Grifters gonna grift, whiners gonna whine. Now the biggest fattest saddest losingest grifter and whiner of all, having continued his vile streak of trash-talking black and female athletes by mindlessly sniping "woke means you lose" at the "leftist maniacs" of the Bronze-medal-winning U.S. women's soccer team, has moved on to his latest Really Stupid scheme for scamming his even stupider followers. "You've Been Selected!" shouted a Wednesday email from the other guy's PAC. Sounding a lot like the back of a cereal box, it announced it's offering "Patriots all around the Country" the chance to sort of choose an entirely useless but "Offical (sic, because the purported billionaire still can't spell or get it together to hire someone who can) Trump Card" as "a sign of your dedicated support to our movement to SAVE AMERICA," also of your sick, abject, unfathomable fealty to a loathsome clown and empty, brittle husk of a human being, just sayin'. The shiny red-and-fools'-gold cards "will be reserved for President Trump's STRONGEST supporters," it said, ignoring several hard truths - their guy is not president, he was impeached twice to prove it, he's now facing a deluge of investigations and, if there's any justice in an admittedly unjust world, time in an orange jumpsuit. They were planning on releasing just one of four designs, they said, but when the un-president saw them he said "These are BEAUTIFUL" (former-guy-ese for REALLY TACKY) and we should let all those gullible fools decide because "they ALWAYS know best!" which is why he lost by a landslide. The (eternal) catch: When you click to supposedly choose a design, you're rerouted to the fundraising page, where a manic dancing $250 tab calls to you. Non-tax-deductible.

The creepiest part of this creepy endeavor: One card sports an eagle, its wings fully spread and head cocked to the right; as many appalled observers noted, it eerily replicates the Third Reich insignia sans swastika, but just barely. And no it's not the U.S. eagle; clarified one sage, "The presidential eagle faces left, the bad guy eagle faces right." From another: "Did Nazi this coming." Many argued the whiff of fascism felt apt: Now MAGA goons will be literal card-carrying Nazis who can more easily find each other - swastikas tattooed on their foreheads would also help here - to plan the next coup and, with no understanding of the concept of irony, shriek about the tyranny of vaccination cards. Still, questions flew. Did Goebbels Miller have a claw in this design? Do the cards work to Get Out of Jail Free or cut to the front of the line to get into hell or at least at Mar-A-Lago's omelette bar? How long will it take for "some deranged Trumper losing her shit" because Chipotle won't accept her card? And what's with the "offical"? God bless Twitter: "I can help. I'm Adjunct Professor at Trump Univ MST Dept of Musicology & Songy Things. When two members of The Offspring joined up with two from Metallica, they toured briefly as Offical. Their only release, Pretty Shit (For A White Guy) failed to chart." Some analyzed benefit differentials: The "Basic Brown Level" card offers "a 20% discount on free parking" at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, free travel insurance to Thigh Land, and 10% discount on Trump Steaks, which are so rare they're "currently unavailable." Some eagerly speculated about other perks: A secret handshake? Stick of bubble gum? MAGA bat signal? Plastic whistle to call for help, please? Bottom line: "If there's a decoder ring too, it's the real deal." Yeah, definitely not a cult.

Abby Zimet

Abby Zimet

Abby has written CD's Further column since 2008. A longtime, award-winning journalist, she moved to the Maine woods in the early 70s, where she spent a dozen years building a house, hauling water and writing before moving to Portland. Having come of political age during the Vietnam War, she has long been involved in women's, labor, anti-war, social justice and refugee rights issues. 

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