Sh*t Republican Candidates Say

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The Guardian/UK

Sh*t Republican Candidates Say

I thought I had a potty mouth, but you should hear the way this GOP field talks. For starters, they're obsessed with sex …

And then, there were six.

After Iowa, we are left with a half-dozen halfwits who want to defeat Barack Obama and become leader of the free world. These are the Top Dogs, the Pick of the Kitty Litter, the Jewels in the Clown.

So, how did these masterful hatesmen earn their coveted place in the Cream of the Crap? With their unwavering obsession with sex. All kinds of sex. Same sex, opposite sex, sex with animals.

Oh, and Muslims. But not Muslim sex. Not yet, anyway. There is so much to talk about when it comes to gay sex that they probably just haven't gotten around to it. But they will. If they know nothing about something, they always make time to spout off about it.

So, after watching 15 debates, I can't help but ask myself, "Is this the only time in their lives they are allowed talk about sex?" and "Why do guys with no access to my lady junk spend more time talking about it than guys that do?"

If you haven't been following all the Republican pillow talk, good for you. You probably have access to better porn. Here are some highlights that stuck with me like a cactus vibrator.

Let's start with Rick Santorum.

Rick Santorum

Now, aside from believing same-sex marriage leads to man-on-dog sex, (yes, it has gotten so insane that claiming same-sex marriage leads to man-on-dog sex has been relegated to an aside), Sick Rantorum also believes contraception is pubic enemy No 1:

One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country. It's not OK. It's a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.

Huh, I always thought the only thing sex was supposed to be was consensual. I will say, however, we may see an uptick in abstinence across the board if this sweater-vested Puritan with breeding hips keeps incessantly prattling on about it.

And Rick Perry, the poor dear.

Rick Perry

This Dollar Store version of George Bush just keeps trying. He doesn't want the gays getting hitched, OR serving in the military. I mean, it is called the Strait of Hormuz, after all. But Rick has really got his manties in a wad over teaching the theory of evolution in schools.

I am a firm believer in intelligent design as a matter of faith and intellect, and I believe it should be presented in schools alongside the theories of evolution.

It's a theory that's out there. It's got some gaps in it. In Texas, we teach both creationism and evolution.

Yes, he prefers the fact-based "snake convinces the bad lady to eat the apple" story. I'm starting to thing he doesn't believe in evolution because it simply passed him by.

Newt Gingrich

Now, Newt Gingrich claims he loved his country sooo much, it lead him to cheat on his wives. Yes, wives. He is on his third. She seems healthy.

There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.

It makes me wonder whether, if he is not cheating on his current wife, this should call his patriotism into question, thus making him unqualified to lead. But Newt sees a few threats in this country that could make us all cheat on America:

There is a gay and secular fascism in this country that wants to impose its will on the rest of us, is prepared to use violence, to use harassment.

But it's not just the gays who are planning to violently harass us with wedding invitations. Oh no …

I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time [my grandchildren are] my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.

These two statements confuse me because I am not sure who I should be more afraid of: the gay secular fascists or the radical Islamists? Or worse, what if the gay radical Islamists took over? Those guys are vicious: they get gay-married at 10am and then they stone themselves to death in the town square at noon.

Ron Paul

On to Ron Paul, the libertarian in the race who believes that the government should totally get out of people's lives – as long as their lives don't involve sex. Then, the government should be all up in that shit. He is unique in that his racist newsletters, coupled with his staunch antiwar stance, have won him the undying support of that coveted "racist pacifist" faction of the American electorate.

Jon Huntsman

The smartest of this bunch – although that is like being the smartest Real Housewife of Beverly Hills – is Jon Huntsman.

We have people on the Republican side too far to the right. We have zero substance. We have no good ideas that are being circulated or talking about that allow the country to get back on its feet economically so we begin creating jobs.

He currently is polling nationally at 2%.

Mitt Romney

But Mitt Romney still remains the frontrunner. He is not as sex-obsessed as some of his rivals. He is a man of the people. The people who run Fortune 500 companies.

Just ask him, he'll tell ya:

Corporations are people, my friend.

He says it loud: "I'm in the black and I'm proud."

Now, the good news about this statement is that it should end the abortion debate once and for all: "Life begins at incorporation." The bad news is, if corporations are indeed people, we need Planned Parenthood more than ever.

Silver lining is that Americans are fed up and are seeing these guys for who they are: unqualified extremists and book hawking scalawags.

We would like to hear about jobs. Real jobs. Not the ones that involve the words "hand" or "blow".

Lizz Winstead

Lizz Winstead is an American comedian, radio and television personality and blogger. She was co-creator of The Daily Show and served as head writer. Her recently published book of essays is Lizz Free or Die. Follow her on her Twitter @lizzwinstead

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