The Shambolic Grifter In the Arena, Daring Greatly

As King Cheeto lies, scams, babbles and scurries to escape the furor over his pedophile bestie, some fierce unlikely heroes have emerged to call bullshit. They range from Jon Stewart's "Go Fuck Yourself" choir to South Park's grifter with a "teeny tiny" talking penis to Scotland's blistering response to his unwelcome $10 million golf trip, complete with bagpipes, fish guts, a glowering "CONVICTED U.S. FELON TO ARRIVE IN SCOTLAND" headline and ever-splendid signs declaring, "Trump Is Still A Cunt."

With even his red-meat, poorly educated base clamoring for an imaginary transparency, Trump continues struggling and mostly failing to regain control of the narrative on partner-in-crime Jeffrey Epstein in the shadow of a steady trickle of damning new revelations - more smirking creepy photos, reports he flew on Epstein's jets at least seven times in the 1990s, news he was told in May his name is (probably frequently) in the infamous files. For once, his "nothing-to-see-here-but-look-over-there!" tactics fall short: As the turmoil morphs into a cultural as well as political firestorm, it lays bare the longtime fiction of Trump's whole braying, bullying shtick about taking down the deep state, exposing him as just another lying, hiding, duplicitous stiff out for himself. (Duh.) It's so bad even MAGA-ites are saying his claims of innocence are "insulting our intelligence." (Sic.)

Still, he strives to deflect. His release of 6,000 FBI files on MLK Jr. backfired big-time by confirming he can release any files any time he likes. Sample comments: "Now do the Epstein files" and, "His back is against the wall so hard he’s releasing more Black history." Mostly, he's reverted to calling the uproar "a witch hunt" about "a creep," feigning indifference - "I don’t really follow that too much" - and spinning his bonkers greatest hits, most featuring "Barack Hussein Obama." One rant: "We caught Hillary Clinton. We caught Barack Hussein Obama, absolutely cold." Also, "Many, many people under them...big stuff...2020 rigged...And it's the most unbelievable thing I think I've ever read....This was treason. This was every word you can think of." Including the claim, in one veering pivot, "This is like, proof, irrefutable proof that Obama was sedacious," which is not a word.

That was duly, gleefully noted by Stephen Colbert, once-and-no-longer-future king of The Late Show, just fired for exposing too much of what he once called "truthiness. In his recent, fatal transgression, he blasted CBS/Paramount's $16m settlement in a bogus Trump lawsuit to advance an $8 billion sale to Skydance Media, which requires federal approval: "I believe this kind of complicated financial settlement with a sitting government official has a technical name in legal circles. It’s 'big fat bribe.'" As always, he was both sharp and genial on the ignoble end of a 30-year franchise he'd excelled at. Declaring "the gloves are officially off" and he "can finally speak unvarnished truth to power" on Trump, he turned to the camera to mildly proclaim, "I don't care for him...He doesn't seem to have, like, the skillset." Later, in response to Trump gloating, Colbert stepped it up, again straight to the camera: "Go fuck yourself."

The Colbert kerfuffle seemed to kick off a new, fiery, vastly entertaining stage in the to-date often somnambulant fight against our creeping authoritarianism. With many American institutions - the press, courts, Congress, colleges, corporate powers - failing to heed fascism experts' pivotal rule of, "Do not obey in advance," the task of standing up rudely and loudly is incongruously, though not really for the first time (see Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, George Carlin etc etc) falling to middle-finger-wielding comedians with no interest in going gentle into that good night, thanks. On that Colbert show, a parade of high-profile, wise-acre colleagues and buddies - Oliver, Fallon, Meyers, Stewart, Lin-Manuel Miranda - showed up for a Coldplay kiss-cam parody to show their support. Letterman posted a lengthy video compilation whose message was, "You can’t spell CBS without BS.”

And Jon Stewart on The Daily Show, not for the first time, eviscerated "corporate capitulation to the whims of a pussy-grabbing enigma" - here, starting 16:30 - though it too runs on a Paramount-owned station, Comedy Central. Mulling our ongoing horrors, he offered, "I think the answer is in the fear and pre-compliance that is gripping all of America's institutions - institutions that have chosen not to fight the vengeful and vindictive actions of our pubic-hair-doodling commander-in-chief. This is not the moment to give in. This is the time to fight. This is the time to rise up." Adding a florid, "We affirm our shared humanity. We must continue to have humans make things that inspire and provoke other humans" - and joking, "#ChatGPT wrote that" - he and a gospel choir behind him then led the audience in a long, rousing, raunchy chorus of "Go Fuck Yourself" to his paymasters.

Still, leave it to South Park with its foul-mouthed kids and universally offensive, scorched-earth "shock comedy" to up the ante, with "their most furious episode" - "Hey Satan!" - arriving back on air just after signing a new, $1.5 billion, five-year deal with...Paramount, now richly paying creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone "to put out the same message as Colbert, a lot less politely." Many argue South Park, with its crude, crass, juvenile humor, is uniquely suited for the nearly impossible task of skewering a cartoon villain who routinely says and does things more outrageous than satire could ever be: South Park "is what happens when satirists are willing to play on the President’s terms." 20 years ago, it would be extreme; today, you need that level "to keep up with the absurdity of reality." The consensus on its inaugural show: From penises to pedophiles, "They went there." One fan: "Such a fun fuck-you."

Following its tradition since 1997 of pissing off almost everyone, the new show portrays Trump as a deeply insecure grotesquerie in the Epstein files who sounds like Saddam Hussein, sleeps with Satan, sues everyone, often gets naked to show us his tiny penis with googly eyes, and lines the White House walls with naked photos of himself. The "plot" has South Park residents angry the guy they voted for turns out to be a grifting fascist douchebag; when religion is foisted on schools in the form of Jesus, last seen in 2019 doing cocaine with Satan, they complain to the President, who sues them, then settles if they'll run pro-Trump messaging. Cue protests, showdowns, media too scared of lawsuits to say anything but “oh boy, oh shit, oh God,” and a deepfake, live-action, small-dicked Trump trudging through the desert: "When things heat up, who will deliver us from temptation?"

Enraged, the White House shrieked no "fourth-rate show can derail President Trump’s hot streak." Deadpan, Parker responded, "We’re terribly sorry." Then Trump fled the firestorm for a $10 million "work trip" to Scotland. "Many meetings planned!!" he boasted. In truth, exhibiting "a staggering level of grift," he went to golf on our dime at his failing courses at Turnberry and Balmedie in Aberdeenshire, and to open a new course there dedicated to his mother, though the first one's never turned a profit and is usually half-empty because he's so despised. His first term, he racked up 260 rounds of golf, most at his own resorts, at a cost of $151.5 million; this weekend's was his 44th, and most pricey, golf trip in six months; as of March 30, he's spent $26 million to golf, but we really can't afford food stamps. His spox dismissed concerns as "pathetic"; also, Biden went to the beach, and the autopen.

Despite an almost empty schedule, between rounds he did meet (very briefly) with British P.M. Keir Starmer and Scotland’s First Minister John Swinney. Meanwhile Scotland, where 75% of residents abhor him, gave Trump the welcome he deserved. In an editorial, the largest paper called him "a menace"; the "CONVICTED U.S. FELON" headline continued, "Republican Leader, Who Was Found Liable for Sexual Abuse and Defamation, Will Visit Golf Courses." Aberdeen South M.P. Stephen Flynn was asked if he'd meet with the felon; totally bald, Flynn responded, "I'll be busy getting a haircut, or washing my hair, or finding any excuse possible to make sure I'm looking after my own toddler at the time." Before his arrival, an anti-Trump group put up multiple smiling photos of him and Epstein; in a video, they warned it would "be a shame if (they) appeared absolutely everywhere on his tour of the U.K."

Elsewhere, a "festival of resistance" gathered: Despite his Scottish roots, "The vast majority of Scots have a deep disdain for Trump and everything he stands for." "So many people here loathe him," said a woman with a “We Don’t Negotiate With Fascists” sign. "We’re not divided (by) religion or race or political allegiance. We’re here together because we hate him.” Some singular signs: "Get Oot Nasty Little Manbaby, Scotland Hates Trump, Fuck Off You Tiny-Handed Orange-Faced Cunt, Scotland Totally Hates Trump, May Your Arse Break Out In Boils Ya Scunner, Not Even Your Wife Likes You, Beat It You Big Orange Jobbie, You Were Shite In Home Alone 2." A restaurant gave out fish guts to throw, Mexican and Palestinian flags flew, heart-filled signs declared him and Epstein "Best Friends Forever," bagpipers bragged, "At least this bag of hot air serves a purpose," many signs proclaimed, "Trump Is Still A Cunt."

Most of Scotland deems almost anything he's ever done "not the proper behavior of a decent person" because for nearly 20 years he bullied, threatened, coerced and conned residents to buy their land, trash their pristine coastline and build more crappy hotels while breaking every promise he made. In Aberdeenshire, he said he'd inject $1.5 billion into the economy; it was barely $120 million. He promised over 1,000 jobs; it was 84, fewer than the existing 100 on a shooting range. Instead of a 450-room luxury hotel and hundreds of homes, he built a 19-room hotel, a small clubhouse selling Trump merch, and a 36-hole course that cost $500 to play. In 2023, he lost $1.9 million, his 11th consecutive loss since 2006. Local officials who rejected the project then for its impact on precious sand dunes - the Scottish goverhment overrode them - now say they feel ashamed and "hoodwinked...We all fell for it."

Three neighboring families are still seething. Their horror stories: The farmer who wouldn't sell, so Trump sabotaged the water supply for him and his elderly mother. The 73-year-old retired quarry worker and salmon fisherman whose barn reads, "No More Trump Lies" who wouldn't sell where he'd lived since he was 14, so Trump blocked access to the beach where he did his fishing, which "he knew I loved"; he avows, "This place will never, ever belong to Trump." The energy consultant who lives in an old Coast Guard station overlooking the golf, dunes, North Sea; when he wouldn't sell, even after Trump "threw in some jewelry," Trump had landscapers put in trees to block the view and charged him for a fence he built. He wouldn't pay, but he did put up and fly a Mexican flag. This year, "I don't have a big enough flagpole - I'd need one for Mexico, Canada, Palestine, Greenland, you name it."

For years, the vile, vindictive lout also fought to block a wind farm that would "ruin my view"; today, 11 turbines spin, he still raves "windmills are killing us," and America cringes. One headline: "Old Man Goes to Scotland, Yells At Wind, Cheats At Golf," after he got busted in a now-viral video. America also thanked the Scottish people for "your always hilariously caustic insults that, however imaginative, can never truly plumb the depths of this most revolting excuse for a wannabe human...this walking pile of pestilential feculence." For proof, at a "bat-poop-crazy" presser, he kept spewing - his ballroom, Gazans "don't thank us enough," the six wars he's stopped, "about a war a month." He went off-script from the official story he split from Epstein because he was "a creep." Nope: It wasn't the pedophilia; it was that Epstein tried to recruit some of his staff: "He stole people that work for me."

He also invented fictional crimes, laws and payments by claiming Kamala paid $11 million to Beyoncé for "an ENDORSEMENT" - also some to Oprah and "low-rated" Al Sharpton - which is "TOTALLY ILLEGAL" (not) and "they should all be prosecuted." Sigh. Madness. One final reverie: A new AI fever dream from the official White House account shows Trump, a battle-weary, red-tied, gladiator messiah valiantly striding, despite bone spurs, from a smoke-and-rubble-strewn Roman coliseum, its flag in tatters. Cue Teddy Roosevelt's iconic Man in the Arena speech: "Credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, (who) spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows (the) triumph of high achievement, who at the worst at least fails while daring greatly." One response: "It's like when I was a kid and got sick, my fever got really high and I would hallucinate." Another: "What in the actual imperial cosplay is this? The Roman Empire fell too. Just saying.".

  Protest sign in ScotlandScreenshot from Bluesky