In Your Face: Gulag Barbie Toes the Loathsome Line

In a dystopian appearance before the House Homeland Security Committee, robotic sycophant and Cosplay Barbie Kristi Noem dodged, lied and gaslighted her way through questions from angry lawmakers about illegally disappearing migrants, defying court orders, arresting mayors, deporting children with cancer, declining a basic proof of life request or even acknowledging a massive photo of fake tattoos put before her because, "The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears."'

The absurdist, infuriating spectacle played out as Kilmar Abrego Garcia, along with many other Venezuelans, marked three months in El Salvador's hellhole of a prison, and as a spiteful regime that "knows no shame and has no bottom" released a Shepard-Fairey-like poster of the now-iconic Kilmar - "We call this one not a Maryland Dad" - with a giant "MS-13" replacing Obama's "Hope," evidently because, "'We accidentally sent a Maryland dad to a foreign torture prison and can’t be bothered to get him back' doesn’t poll well outside the extreme MAGA fringe." It was amidst their smears and turpitude that Homeland Security's deeply complicit ICE Barbie faced off against Dems repulsed by her so-called leadership - endless photo-ops in tactical gear and "cosplaying as every Fox News fever dream," flagrant sidestepping of court orders, the sickening, well-coiffed, carefully staged performance, complete with $50,000 Rolex, before the silent, shackled prisoners in El Salvador's CECOT.

All of this represents "a sad day for DHS." said Bennie Thompson, Democrats' ranking member, though he added he was glad she took time off from her photo-ops and costumes - cowgirl, firefighter, "Every day is Halloween!" - to testify. Then he lit into her. "Even when, Madame Secretary, my Republican colleagues and I had strong disagreements, we still did our duty keep America safe," he said. "But that's not the case any longer. On your watch, the department is breaking the law, it's hurting people, and it's making America less safe. The Trump administration is outright lying to the courts and the American people." Promptly confirming his charges, Noem, "this vile, contemptuous, plastic creature" and "dead-eyed puppy murderer," then offered up enough twisted opinions - yes everyone ICE arrested has received due process, yes suspending habeas corpus is probably warranted - to explain the popularity of a South Dakota bumper sticker, "Kristi Noem Is A Monster."

She defended the arrest of Newark Mayor Ras Baraka at a New Jersey ICE facility, where he joined three Dem lawmakers seeking to exercise Congressional oversight, claiming he tried to "storm" the site in “a political stunt that put the safety of law-enforcement officers, agents, staff, and detainees at risk," despite video showing burly ICE agents shoving the visitors. "They were cooperating with criminals to create criminal acts," she raved on Fox News. "This was committing felonies. This was attacking people who stand up for the rule of law." Baraka's response: "Bullshit." Noem also defended and lied about deporting a four-year-old child and U.S. citizen with Stage 4 cancer to Honduras with her mother, falsely claiming the mother had consented to the action. Rep. Seth Magaziner: "You have been sloppy. Your department has been sloppy. And instead of focusing on real criminals, you have allowed innocent children to be deported while you fly around the country playing dress-up for the cameras."

Noem went still lower in response to Rep. Robert Garcia's questions about Andry Hernández Romero, an openly gay make-up artist shipped to El Salvador and held incommunicado though he'd come to this country legally seeking asylum, passed a credible fear interview, and committed no crime; a journalist identified him crying “I’m innocent” and “I’m gay” as CECOT guards shaved his head. Grabbed for his tattoos - of his parents' names and crowns for a hometown festival - Romero worked at the Miss Venezuela pageant, his lawyer said: "His social media is full of beauty queens." "We are paying to lock this young gentleman up forever," said Garcia, who pleaded with Noem to do "a proof of life check on Andry just to see if he is alive." Nope, said Noem, not my problem. Also, "ask El Salvador," "how things should be implemented," "utilizing the tools Congress has given us," "jurisdiction." "He angrily persisted, citing "humanity"; she stonily refused, saying ask Bukele. Comment: "The souls of these people took flight."

Perhaps the day's most chilling, surreal, propaganda-at-its-finest, sociopathic-flunky-of-the-regime-will-not-defy-great-talking-yam moment came when Rep. Eric Swalwell challenged the deportation of Kilmar Abrego Garcia by producing a large poster board of the Trump-touted, atrociously photo-shopped image of MS-13 tattoos on his knuckles and asked Noem to look at it, and say if she thought it was "doctored or not doctored." Famously, the image was first presented by Trump, who in a cringey interview with ABC News’ Terry Moran insisted the tattoos were real even though experts said and any imbecile except this one could see they were fake. Trump, exulted: "He has MS-13 on his knuckles, tattooed!" Moran, embarrassed: "That was photo-shopped." Trump, whining: "You're not being very nice...Why don't you just say, 'Yes he does.'" (He then also undid all his previous arguments by alternately saying he didn't have the power to return Abrego Garcia and "we have lawyers that don’t want to do this.”)

Because Noem is not an imbecile so much as a sick evil fuck, her stonewalling was more impressive. Ignoring Swalwell's request and unhelpful facts - Abrego Garcia had a protection order preventing his removal, regime lawyers admit he was deported through "administrative error," SCOTUS ruled 9-0 the regime must facilitate his return, evidence of him being a gang member is non-existent no matter how loudly Stephen Goebbels Miller rants he had “extensively documented membership" and was a “clear and present danger (to) the American people" - Noem simply, repeatedly refused to look at the photo. Instead, she reverted - "If you look round the back you'll find a ring pull and a bit of string" - to the robotic babbling of talking points: Abrego Garcia "is an El Salvador resident who has been treated appropriately,” "the mission of Homeland Security is to secure our nation," etc, thereby inadvertently proving, "The people claiming to protect our nation from terrorists are in fact terrorists themselves."

Swalwell stubbornly persisted: “It's a simple yes or no question. The letters M-S and the numbers 13 - are those doctored or not?” At one point he asked an aide to pick up the image and wield it right in her face before asking again; she yammered on in a Botoxed monotone, immersed in her political theater piece for a demented audience of one. Swalwell wasn't having it. "Madame Secretary, I have a 7-year-old, a six-year-old, and a three-year-old," he said wearily. "I have a built-in bullshit detector." And he went back to asking one of the country's chief law enforcement officials of a photo that's "been hanging out here for four weeks": Doctored or not? Finally, she landed on her last, improbable dodge: "I have no knowledge of that photo you're pointing to," thus rendering her the only person in America who hadn't yet seen it. "I'm a former prosecutor. I have put people away for life sentences," said a furious Swalwell. What makes me different from you (is) I did it with the weight of the law behind me.”

In contrast, amidst her motorized monologue, Noem slipped and revealed her own lawlessness by declaring - under oath, in defiance of SCOTUS and other court orders, "We will not be bringing (Abrego Garcia) back." "Pretty sure the credibility thing is off the table," was one comment. "Time for contempt or perjury charges." In normal times, yes. Instead, Noem, like her venal boss, may be getting a plane. In a last-minute budget change, the Coast Guard has requested a new $50 million Gulfstream jet to replace her old one. Yammered the acting Coast Guard Chief, “Meeting the needs of (our) men and women doing frontline operations is (a) top operational priority of the Secretary.” Presumably, with make-up studio and yuge closet for all the Barbie outfits. And - "You get a car, and you get a car! - she might get a reality TV show where immigrants compete for a chance to earn citizenship. Per the pitch, “We’ll join in the laughter, tears, frustration, and joy (as) we are reminded how amazing it is to be American.” Indeed.