Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce kiss after Kansas City Chiefs win the Super Bowl in Las Vegas on Feb. 10

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce celebrate after Kansas City Chiefs win Super Bowl

(Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

Illuminati Rejoice as Demons and Taylor Swift Win Super Bowl

Dear Lord. A blasphemous Super Bowl just broke right-wing brains: Team Soros beat Team Jesus, they sang a Black national anthem, Travis wore a sparkly outfit, Usher danced in a Satanic pit, "pure evil" Pfizer ran an ad, woke Jesus ads preached tolerance - "This feet-washing is heresy" - and the "Aryan goddess" was exposed as a beer-chugging, demon-calling, child-blood-drinking Pentagon psy-op who rigged the game with her vax-shilling boyfriend to elect Biden and beget End Times. Truly, the righteous lament.

The right has, of course, been melting down for a while over the pop megastar. Their multi-pronged "holy war" on one of the most successful musicians of all time makes as much sense as all their other cultural crusades against often iconic scapegoats - Disney, Target, Bud Light, Major League Baseball and more recently the life-saving Pfizer - proving, writes one sage, "The culture MAGA Republicans are at war with is America." In Swift's case, their unhinged choice of target is both deeply perplexing and entirely understandable: An uber-successful, wildly popular, young, independent, attractive, forceful woman who in a 17-year career has built an empire worth over $1 billion - and responded to the loss of control of her music by re-recording it over time while also putting out new music - has to be a huge threat to the fragile egos of countless American men. And that was before her three-hour, global Eras Tour that crashed Ticketmaster when it sold 2 million tickets in a day and is now on track for a record-setting $1 billion in sales, more than 42 nations' yearly economic output.

There's also her record-smashing Eras concert film, her declaration of solidarity that the tour, Beyoncé’s Renaissance Tour and Greta Gerwig’s "Barbie" rendered last summer "a three-part..feminine extravaganza," the fact a class at Harvard about her music that reportedly compared her to Wordsworth is one of at least 10 schools that include her in their curriculum, and her choice as Time'sPerson of the Year, complete with gushing accolades: "Her celebrity, which emits so much light it can be blinding, is without contemporary precedent...She has harnessed the power of the media (to) create (a) narrative world in which her music is just one piece in an interactive, shape-shifting story." Guess who was pissed? The forever narcissistic Bad Orange Guy fumed it "obviously" made no sense she, not he, was chosen; he also babbled that if Swift didn't support him she would be "disloyal to the man who made her so much money" after the the J6 Rioter Choir's biggest fan cluelessly signed an act upgrading copyright protections which Congress passed while he was golfing.

Swift has shied away from overt politics - and hasn’t endorsed Biden yet - but she's supported LGBTQ and abortion rights and decried Trump as a wannabe "autocrat." Most perniciously, she's urged her 279 million Instagram followers to vote and (gasp) posted a link to Vote.org; it prompted a huge rise in registrations, especially from 18-year-olds. Given her vast influence - and the fact of 41 million Gen Z voters, 8 million first-timers - GOP operatives are freaking their only Big Names are...Kid Rock? Lauren Boebert? Ted Nugent? And, for broken Steve Bannon, Mr. Pillow: "They hate Mike Lindell so much because of (what) he says as the apostle of the stolen election." No wonder they've desperately pivoted to the bonkers Swift-as-Pentagon-asset narrative. "I wonder who got to her?" muses Jesse Waters, who notes she "might not even know she’s being utilized in a covert manner to swing voters" before turning to a Tucker trick. "There is very slim evidence, but we're curious." When Waters asks a fellow-traveling FBI agent, "Is this feasible?" he shakes his head in despair. We know how he feels.

Still, forget the Pentagon; we should worry about Satan. Bewailing, "We have had enough of Taylor Swift," extremist Christians are so sure she's summoning demons on the Eras Tour they have a petition  asking her to please stop even if she's only doing it by accident, which alas is "sort of irrelevant to the demons." Nashville "exorcist" Father Dan Reehil cites Swift's song Willow, which she's actually said is like "casting a spell to make someone fall in love with you," plus she and the dancers dress in black capes with orbs, which is just like witchcraft. Even if she's unaware, Reehil says, she's "probably attracting a lot of demons to her concerts," and fans should know the spiritual danger they face. "You have these little girls who literally worship her (and) could be attacked by demonic forces...I would say don't do it." Other believers are suitably horrified, especially since "the demons get angry every time you mention God." Said one who'd seen concert video. "Nope! Get that evil out of here!" Then again, a fan posted, "Yes! Summon the demons, bitch!" And JoeMyGodargues, "Shes not summoning demons - just voters."

Still, it got worse. Having desecrated Time Magazine, capitalism, autocracy and God, Swift moved on to football, using her unholy tricks (and probably a black dress) to seduce popular if vaccinated Kansas City Chiefs' tight end Travis Kelce. Fox heads exploded: See? Life is all just a deep-state, Soros-funded, pedophiles-in-a-pizza-parlor conspiracy where agents of shadow forces control the world and the cute, young, commie, talented people get all the good stuff. And they don't even have hats: "No wonder MAGA sad." David Letterman called the giddy couple "a lovely thing...a glowing, bright light of goodness in the world." As is their wont and chosen task, ugly, envious, small-minded MAGA seethed, especially when the Chiefs made it to the Super Bowl: "NFL is totally RIGGED for the Kansas City Chiefs, Taylor Swift, Mr. Pfizer to spread DEMOCRAT PROPAGANDA. It’s all been an op since day one." Their "limply misogynist" rage was so over-the-top - she's homely! she's encouraging women not to get married! - even a Fox sports host had to ask all the "sad guys" she'd never pay attention to, "What does this say about your life?"

Colin Cowherd’s message to those bothered by Taylor Swift’s NFL presencewww.youtube.com

What it says about Kelce's life is that he got a massive PR boost, and Swifties made sales of his jersey spike by 400%. By all accounts he's a middle-of-the-road guy who supports Black Lives Matter, both the 2nd Amendment and common-sense gun laws, and Biden for "trying to bring people together and find solutions to the challenges we face as a country." But because he once appeared in a Pfizer ad promoting the COVID vaccine, to MAGA lunatics he's "a guy who gets paid millions of dollars a year to throw a ball around while promoting poison death shots." Rumble host Stew Peters went further, as he often does, calling for
Swift and Kelce’s execution because the ad was "leading people to their slaughter." Besides, scoffed another MAGA mastermind, "Major league sports itself is nothing but a psy-op, with kids plugging into the cycle of going to indoctrination camps." The idiocy astounds: One more time, in one inept swing, the right wing picks a fight with all that America holds dear: Its most popular singer, sport, sports event and TV show of the year.

Leading to Sunday's game, the rancor feverishly notched up from The Federalist's 2,500-word manifesto, "Taylor Swift’s Popularity Is A Sign Of Societal Decline." Laura Loomer, Stephen Miller, End of Wokeness ominously raved: "If you don’t think the regime has plans to weaponize her for 2024, you haven't been paying attention," her rise is "not organic," her "cult-like following” (LOL) will "drink poisoned Kool Aid for her,“ "Please don't listen to everything she says." Madman Jack Posobiec: "The Taylor Swift girlboss psyop has been fully activated," from her "vaccine shill boyfriend" to her "2024 voter operation, it’s all coming." Then, "THE CHILDLESS, UNMARRIED ABORTION ARMY MOBILIZED BY BARBIE, TAYLOR SWIFT AND TIKTOK (Is) CRUSHING REPUBLICANS. This is what happens when we cede culture to the Left." Snarked one skeptic on the impressively Byzantine plot of Swift hooking up with Kelce to rig the playoffs to help Biden: "That’s where we shine. We can’t get free healthcare but perfectly execute a Riddler-esque conspiracy to ruin a football game."

And so she did. Once Swift made the much-scrutinized, planet-warming trek from Tokyo to Las Vegas, right-wing critics turned the game into "rage-bait," grousing about every political or cultural grievance they could find or manufacture. When Kelce paraded in wearing a glittering, $3,000 Amiri outift: "Straight men do not dress like this." When Andrea Day sang "Lift Every Voice and Sing," known as the Black National Anthem - added to Reba McEntire's national anthem and Post Malone's "America the Beautiful" - Matt Gaetz shrieked they were "desecrating" something and told his "wife" they weren't watching the game. When a Pfizer ad touted their cancer research, it was (falsely) argued of their vaccines: "Cancers up EVERYWHERE...These people are pure evil." When Kelce yelled at the coach, belying his "golden retriever" boyfriend" rep: "Vaxxed out of his mind. That's what happens when you wash down your 7th Pfizer jab with Bud Light." When Swift drank a beer, which no one has ever done at a football game: "We don’t need to be glorifying public intoxication," and she was "pounding beers with Satanists."

Who were, it turns out, everywhere. At what frantic wingnuts dubbed "the Satanic Super Bow," the "leftist icon" wore red - for not the Saints but her child-blood-drinking cabal - and suspiciously had fun as Usher, shirtless, danced in a fire pit with Illuminati sun symbols. Her rapper friend "someone called...Ice Spice" was "throwing up demonic signs" by making "devil horns" with her hands, wearing a Satanic upside-down cross and all black, "the next celebrity to go down a dark road." "Demon summoning," shrieked a former Fox producer. "God rebuke the evil and witchcraft of this generation...It’s all spiritual warfare." Also, ads for He Gets Us, from the phobic Hobby Lobby, showed a woke Jesus washing the feet of several "others" - a black man, a pro-choice activist - and asked, "How can we do the same?", definitively proving - like when the 49ers were way ahead but they kept counting the points so the other team won - "the Super Bowl is nothing but a major Satanic ritual" and "progressivism will hollow out your religion and wear its skin like a trophy." And then came Dark Brandon, gloating, "Just like we drew it up." Damn. Lucifer wins again.

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