Bobblehead Trump in a box from China at his Las Vegas rally.

Bobblehead Trump in a box from China at his Las Vegas rally.

(Photo by IAN MAULE/AFP via Getty Images)

Bobbleheads 'R Us: Not A Rapist, Thief, Grifter, Liar, Bully and Complete Ignoramus

In discomfiting news for those still inhabiting Planet Earth, we are now through the looking-glass into a place where reality is so weird fantasy seems more plausible and it's tough to distinguish one from t'other. In Las Vegas, the "felonious stupidity magnet" blathered gibberish - sharks, boats, MIT, "Hispanicans" - more unhinged than a fake GOP leader's "soliloquy of sycophancy" who lists all "Your Majesty's" transgressions to insist he doesn't believe any of them and he'd "let my wife have your children."

Exhibiting what Eugene Robinson delicately terms "a mind that is, evidently, unwell," Trump offered up "a grim smorgasbord" of lies, threats, dark fantasies and other "verbal incontinence" to a MAGA crowd in swing-state Nevada baking in 110-degreet heat likely too dumb to notice him crowing, "I don't want anybody going on me...I don't care about you. I just want your vote." Empathy thy name is: He also whined nobody worries about him though he's up there "sweating like a dog." Nice. After Klan Mom shrieked, "The man I worship was also a convicted felon, and he was murdered on a Roman cross," Trump took on the vital issues of the day, mostly sharks and sinking boats, in a deluge of "insane stupid shit" like any other guy you'd cross the street to avoid. Jack Smith is "a dumb son of a bitch," when he's elected "we're gonna do a lot of things - we're gonna look very strongly at J6 hostages," migrants are "totally destroying our black population, destroying our Hispanicans (and) you say to yourself, 'Who are these people destroying our country?'...We’re not going to have men playing in women's sports. We’re not doing it."

He also disputed his well-documented claim veterans are "suckers and losers" - "Someone would have to be psycho or a very stupid person...Who would say that anyway?" - before launching into a compulsive, familiar, deeply baffling spiel from his "Divinity of the Sacred Juniper, which is 100% based in reality," about sharks. There's been "a lot of sharks" lately, he declared, and they "bit off the young lady's leg and these guys were trying to justify it because of the fact that they were they were not hungry, but they misunderstood what, who she was," and he had a good if "monumentally fucking stupid" question "nobody ever asked (which) must be because of MIT, my relationship to MIT, very smart," about "what would happen if the boat sank from its weight, and the battery is underwater "and there's a shark 10 yards away...Do I stay on the boat and get electrocuted, or do I jump over by the shark?" It turns out he'd "take electrocution every single time" for 34 felony counts, Alex - and damn we'd definitely be here for it - because, "Really, he's just a raving lunatic at this point."

Still, his faithful peeps would follow his delirious lead. Having passed through the looking glass - the "DRINK ME" bottle, "EAT ME" cake, Jabberwocky poetry and chessmen come to life - they've entered a murky dystopia where logic is suspended and dark lies are truths: the election was "stolen," the government is "corrupt," villainous migrants are "invading" the country, Democrats or others outside the toxic MAGA bubble are "fascists," everything - courts, votes, media, the very government a grifting felon seeks to run again even more incompetently and vindictively than he did before - is "rigged," with their weak, sick, tinpot madman the only hope to "save" America. Cue the hilarious parody that arguably belongs in the Twitter Hall of Fame. The craziest thing about watching the supposed GOP chair in Grand Rapids, MI. who just ingested too much helium, with a witless Trump nodding along, effusively chronicle the countless crimes, lies, sins, scandals and legal or moral offenses his hero committed - of which, he avows each time, "I just don't believe it for one sec" - is how long it takes to realize it's not real.

"Thank you, Mr. President Trump, Your Majesty," he gushes before citing all the "truths" he believes: the election was stolen, you didn't commit tax fraud, you didn't embezzle or scam millions or cheat on your wife with a porn star or pay her hush money or assault a woman in a dressing room or sexually harass over 25 women or create false slates of electors to steal the election or steal classified documents or extort Ukraine for help from Russia or let a pandemic spiral out of control or orchestrate a violent coup to install yourself as an unelected dictator or spew conspiracies about windmills or take millions from foreign governments. "I believe President Trump when he says he's not a rapist, he's not a thief, he's not a grifter, a liar, a philanderer, a narcissist, a glutton, a bully, and a complete ignoramus," he asserts. Also, "I don't believe he cheats at golf." He thanks Trump "for being a good Christian leader dedicated to truth and justice for all," and don't forget he'll happily "let my wife have your children" to, you know, make America great again. John Kelly: "God help us."

Our work is licensed under Creative Commons (CC BY-NC-ND 3.0). Feel free to republish and share widely.