Former "dangerous jar of mayonnaise" and former football player turned "walking Cobb salad" meet in 2020 to take down mean Georgia for turning blue. Photo by Brendan Smialowski / AFP via Getty Images

Herschel Is Still Babbling - Good Air! Bible! China! Whiteness! Men In Women's Sports! - But WTF Could Win

Sorry to add more dark news from the fringe, but the Senate may now hinge, or actually unhinge, on former NFL star and "walking Cobb Salad" Herschel 'Too Many Trees' Walker, a stunningly inept buffoon who spouts lies "like he's breathing," thinks America is in the Bible, lacks the cognitive wherewithal to assemble a sentence, cites 9/11 as the time America "was on a war with a country that didn't believe in us," represents the dismal "final apotheosis of the (GOP) contempt for public service" - and oh yeah leads the honorable Raphael Warnock. Good grief, Georgia.

Sorry but there's more dark news from the fringe thanks to what Jennifer Lawrence memorably calls the former "dangerous jar of mayonnaise" meddling in multiple state races to create a new crop of stop-the-imaginary stealers. At least Oz will likely lose, but among the Trumpian incumbents expected to win is Colorado's loud, awful, ever-persecuted Lauren Boebert, who thrashed her raucous way through a debate this weekend with Dem challenger Adam Frisch. After starting by attacking the moderator, Boebert, who doesn't seem to know how women got the vote and failed to pass a single bill in Congress while petulantly voting against cancer research, protecting seniors from scams and other useful bills, repeatedly ripped everything done in the House as a nefarious part of "Nancy Pelosi's con game," leaving Frisch to wryly explain, "I'm Adam Frisch, not Nancy Pelosi." Ignoring him, Boebert proclaimed, "Here's the deal. In Washington, DC, the problem is there's not enough of me." Luckily, she has plenty of wingnut company - Klan Mom Greene, Matt Pedo Gaetz, Louie Gohmert who just gifted a flag to a rioter etc etc - but even more luckily they're still vastly outnumbered in the House.

The razor-thin Senate, however, is another matter. Thus do we come to the terrifying possibility that Senate control could hinge, or more accurately unhinge, on former NFL star, "walking Cobb salad," and stunningly inept buffoon Herschel 'Too Many Trees' Walker, Trump's hand-picked candidate to wreak revenge on Georgia for its audacity in rejecting his Mafioso command to find more votes, thus turning the state an improbable, blessed blue. And man, can Trump pick 'em. A former running back, early Stop the Stealer and pathological liar with a multiple personality disorder diagnosis and dark behavioral past - see loaded gun to his ex-wife's head - whose flashy gay 21-year-old anti-BLM son often attacks Biden on Tik Tok as a senile, drug-addled pedophile, Walker seems to lack the cognitive wherewithal to put a subject and verb together into a sentence, never mind write a bill, debate an issue or otherwise represent constituents in the place he's trying to get a job. Now Trump's "shining star" - maybe 'cause he makes the stable genius look like one? - is suddenly ahead in some polls against the honorable Sen. Raphael Warnock.

Wait. What? This guy's been caught lying so often - about his schooling, his business, his work in "law enforcement," how many kids he has - that even his own staff say he spouts lies "like he's breathing" in a campaign that's become "a shitshow on a train in the middle of a wreck," which is itself pretty garbled but doesn't sound good. This guy famously responded to the Uvalde shooting by proposing "a department that can look at young men that's looking at women that's looking at social media" because "what I like to do is see it and everything and stuff." He suggested China's Communist Party is funding BLM - "Why does it seem like I'm the only one that's coming up with this? Just think about it" - and stealing our good air which is why we don't need a Green New Deal - "When China gets our good air, their bad air got to move...We got to clean that back up." Blasting Warnock for calling police "thugs and bullies," he boasted he was "proud to serve the blue as an Honorary Agent and Special Deputy Sheriff" and grandly posted a photo of what one Dem pol likened to his son's Paw Patrol badge. He said "everyone on the left don't want to address the problem, the economy, crime, men in women's sports."

Last week, he was still babbling, "the confident, punch-drunk patter of an old boxer working as a casino host." He criticized Warnock: "I remember hearing him say, 'America need to apologize for it whiteness.' That's not in a Bible I ever read. Our Founding Fathers already apologized for its whiteness. Because if you read the Constitution, it talks about every man being treated fair." Which is all right on, except Warnock didn't say that, America didn't exist when the Bible was written, the Fathers didn't and that's not in the Constitution. On 9/11, he recalled how, "You saw America come together because this country (was) on a war with a country that didn't believe in us," which must have been Iraq or Afghanistan or Saudi Arabia or hell maybe it was Bulgaria or Canada, right? Anyway, now we have "leaders (like) Joe Biden doing venomous speeches that doesn't believe in American people" and also Warnock who "says White people gotta apologize for whiteness." Sigh. Such towering ignorance, writes Charles Pierce, "is the final apotheosis of the conservative Republican contempt for public service," that dismissive notion that "anybody can do it, right?" No. Not this bobblehead. Good grief, Georgia. Go vote.

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