Oh Lord, give us strength. Tragedy befell America yet again last week when someone torched Fox News' fake "All-American (not Socialist-and-Gender-Fluid) Christmas Tree" outside their New York headquarters at 6th Avenue and 48th Street, prompting three days of delirious, ballistic, we-will-fight-them-on-the-beaches coverage by virtually every deranged Fox sage, none of whom had ever witnessed such an atrocity but God bless the USA and we will prevail. Though no one was injured and the rest of the world offered suitably caustic commentary - Poynter noted after the tree was ceremoniously lit last Sunday, "two days later, it was lit again, this time on fire" and many saw the smoldering wreckage as a perfect, doleful metaphor for, depending on how depressed you are, Fox, the GOP, the country - Fox clowns lost their collective minds, referencing the national calamity over 100 times and ceaselessly shrieking with fever-pitch hysteria about freedom, hate crimes, good vs. evil and lawless cities rampant with Christmas-hating hoodlums and "left-wing DAs" running "cities out of control" so "no city is safe" and "You get chaos." "It's about Jesus, it's about Hanukkah, it's about everything that we stand for as a country," declaimed a distraught Ainsley Earhardt about the attack on the timeless icon that has been "America's tree" since....(checks notes)...2019.
The latest victim of the war against Christmas and decency was in fact not a tree but a plastic and metal frame hung with 10,000 ornaments and 100,000 lights, or "these incredible red, white and blue decorations" as a nod to "this incredible country we live in." At least we did, said RNC chairwoman Ronna McDaniel, until Joe Biden turned it into a communist dystopia beset with crime "every day on our streets, around our homes, in our communities. Look at your Christmas tree that was just burned down. This is a huge problem for Democrats." They all piled on. Sean Hannity blasted criminal justice reforms that mostly don't exist as "one of many examples (of) how weak, far-left policies are leaving so many cities less safe," and Emily Compagno said the "defacing (of) the symbol of peace and joy" had "given us a front-row seat to the rampant crime ravaging Democrat-run cities." Twitter users cited other possible factors: Jewish space lasers, Hugo Chavez, Santifa, Fox pants on fire, the failure to adequately rake the ground under the tree. CNN commiserated, noting it would definitely be scary to have your workplace under attack, unless you work at the Capitol. Many others suggested Fox drama queens get a fucking grip. Still, they stood tall amidst the ashes, valiantly, repeatedly declaring with Joan-of-Arc-like, strength-in-the-face-of-imaginary-adversity resolve, "You can't burn us down." "It was terrible to wake up to," said Dana Perino, but "we will not be defeated." "Don't worry about us at Fox News," asserted Tammy Bruce, over a chiron that screamed, "THE LEFT WANTS YOU TO BE AFRAID." "We're fine." Umm. Okay then.
The answer to several Fox hosts plaintively asking, "Who would burn down a Christmas tree?" was not, as they kept implying, a latte-drinking, freedom-hating commie but an unhoused, possibly mentally ill man named Craig Tamanaha, 49, who was seen climbing the framework and reportedly started the fire with his lighter. After he was arrested, he said he'd been thinking all day about burning down the "tree"; police said his motive isn't "clear at this point." Meanwhile, the histrionic "victims" at Fox, having proclaimed "we will not let this deliberate and brazen act of cowardice deter us," bravely announced, "A new tree is on the way...brighter and more beautiful than ever before (as) a message that there can be peace, light and joy even during a dark moment like this." At the broadcast of the installation, a chiron clarified you were watching the "All-American Tree Lighting," not the woke one, and Fox contributor Rev. Jacques DeGraff, one of "too many black pastors," offered a dramatic tribute to the new "tree," comparing the malevolent if victimless assault on our nation and a garish mess of plastic and metal to a historic attack that killed over 2,400 U.S. military personnel and launched a worldwide war that killed millions. "I'm here because these colors do not run," he yelled. "80 years ago this week, they tried to extinguish the darkness (sic) in a place called Pearl Harbor. We didn't fold then, and we won't fold now!" "The Lord is my strength and my song," reads Exodus 15:2. "He has given me victory." Also witless, vainglorious hyperbole.
