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bezos goes to space

Jeff Bezos holds the aviation glasses that belonged to Amelia Earhart as he speaks during a press conference about his flight on Blue Origin’s New Shepard into space on July 20 in Van Horn, Texas. Bezos said he brought the glasses with him on the flight.  (Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)

Clueless Douchebag Thanks Vassals From the Bottom of Where His Heart Should Be For Peeing In Enough Bottles To Pay For His 10-Minute Joyride Into Space

Abby Zimet

Well that was something. Celebrating his "best day ever," the richest and most solipsistic man on the planet exultantly returned from his 10-minute-10 second, $5.5 billion, incalculably profligate space caper on a dildo-shaped rocket ship and had what one sage termed "the fucking nerve" to thank all the little people - ie: "every Amazon employee" - who unwittingly and unwillingly funded his "masturbatory space venture" by slaving away in his evil Amazon empire with no voice, union, living wage or time to piss. When Jeff Bezos first announced the fulfillment of his childhood dream, he declared, "To see the earth from space, it changes you. It changes your relationship with this planet, with humanity." And actually, it did, because you'd think at this point humanity couldn't despise him any more, but it turns out it can. The overweening hubris and narcissism that fueled Bezos' joyride, which was shorter than a bathroom break at Amazon but emitted more carbon monoxide than a car driving for centuries, epitomizes an obscene billionaires' space race that exposes our "stratospheric inequality" - the titans of wealth spending gazillions to escape a burning, flooded, pandemic-ravaged Earth, the rest of us bogged down in it. And here came Bezos, Gil Scott-Heron's Whitey on the Moon incarnate, beaming in his stupid cowboy hat and ersatz astronaut suit, saying the quiet parts out loud, waxing grateful to his serfs though it remains unclear if he's grateful enough to let them form a union or make enough to put food on the table. "I want to thank every Amazon employee, and every Amazon customer," he said, "because you guys paid for all this." Long fed-up world to oblivious Spaceship Man: Damn straight.

He got blasted on all sides: Dr. Evil, supervillainesque, the ultimate in cachet and folly, the pinnacle of waste, I want to thank all the faceless grunts that made my unchecked greed possible, pay them don't thank them, nice penis rocket now let your workers unionize, going to space is the first time he's given back to the planet, flying to space is cool but have you ever tried paying your taxes, Blue Origin dildos now available on Amazon, Jeff Bezos has decided he will not end world hunger today, one small step for man - one giant step for money. Of the four wannabe astronauts - Bezos, his bro, the 18-year-old son of a rich guy, 82-year-old Wally Funk - only Funk escaped the wrath. People named all the good - for the hungry, homeless, sick, planet - the unholy chunk of change could do. They lamented his little outing got more media coverage in one day than the climate crisis got last year from some media. They scoffed they were on the F train longer than Bezos was in space. They slammed his status as a tax scofflaw "who used profit made from ordinary people and tax he didn’t feel morally obligated to pay to fund his penis-shaped spaceship"; they said he should thank the taxpayers who funded food stamps his slave-labor workers survived on; Adam Schiff spitballed if he paid his fair share of taxes "we could lift all kids, if not into space, at least out of poverty." They reminded kids if they get good grades, go to college, get a job, work hard, "one day your boss might go to space." About 190,000 of them signed a petition - alas too late - demanding Bezos not be allowed to return to Earth, or at least "he go back to space as quickly as possible to be alone with his 'thoughts' and no one can hear him speak." His workers concurred: They "didn't get anything out of" a flight to space "on us basically since we do the work." One wise soul spoke for millions. "He should just go to Jupiter," she said, "and live his best life there."

this is somehow a real quote

Jeff Bezos: "I want to thank every Amazon employee, and every Amazon customer, because you guys paid for all this ... thank you from the bottom of my heart very much."

— Matthew Champion (@matthewchampion) July 20, 2021

Abby Zimet

Abby Zimet

Abby has written CD's Further column since 2008. A longtime, award-winning journalist, she moved to the Maine woods in the early 70s, where she spent a dozen years building a house, hauling water and writing before moving to Portland. Having come of political age during the Vietnam War, she has long been involved in women's, labor, anti-war, social justice and refugee rights issues. 

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