God's Polling Numbers Less Than Heavenly

Published on
by
the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

God's Polling Numbers Less Than Heavenly

If you're God, you're probably not sweating the results of the latest national polling survey putting your approval rating at a mere 52 percent for overall job performance.

One of the perks of being God is that you never tire of reminding the creatures made in your image that the universe has never been a democracy. Atheists are just being honest when they point out that the arc of a universe oriented toward God bends toward monarchy.

This brings us to the poll conducted earlier this month by Public Policy Polling, a Democratic-leaning firm based in North Carolina. The polling firm surveyed 928 Americans about their attitudes regarding Rupert Murdoch's phone-hacking scandal, the U.S. Congress and the two political parties.

Buried in the middle of the survey between "Who did you vote for President in 2008?" and "If there was an election for Congress today, would you vote for the Democratic or Republican candidate from your district?" were four questions you would normally expect to see on a freshman philosophy mid-term:

If God exists, do you approve or disapprove of its performance?

Fifty-two percent of the respondents approved, 9 percent disapproved and 40 percent weren't sure.

If God exists, do you approve or disapprove of its handling of natural disasters?

Fifty percent approved, 13 percent disapproved and 37 percent were undecided.

If God exists, do you approve or disapprove of its handling of animals?

Fifty-six percent answered positively, 11 percent disapproved and 33 percent weren't sure.

If God exists, do you approve or disapprove of its handling of [sic] creating the universe?

Seventy-one percent approved, 5 percent disapproved and 24 percent offered no opinion.

If you're God, you're already a little put off by the presumption of the questions and positively annoyed by the reference to your Personhood by the impersonal adjective "its."

Still, you're compelled to forgive the Democratic-leaning firm, because, as we've all come to realize over the years, "They know not what they do" is a Democrat's governing philosophy.

Still, you're God, so you can't help being curious about the poll numbers and what they say about your relationship with, arguably, the most "God-fearing" citizens on Earth.

First, you're relieved that you're much more popular than disgraced media baron Rupert Murdoch. The share of people in the survey who have a favorable opinion of him is a dismal 12 percent, which is more like Satan's numbers. Forty-nine percent of those surveyed have an unfavorable opinion of Mr. Murdoch and 39 percent aren't sure.

Although you also have higher approval ratings than both congressional Democrats and Republicans, that's a lot like being the tallest pygmy in Borneo -- no big deal. You're God and you'd rather not be damned with faint praise.

After looking into the hearts and minds of the people who answered the survey, you emit a long sigh of resignation. The monumental stupidity of the human race in general and American voters in particular is nearly overwhelming. Still, you find yourself forgiving them again.

Because you're God, you're used to hearing your name taken in vain, but it never ceases to amaze you. The recent nonsense with the Rapture-predicting charlatan still has you seeing red.

Several potential GOP presidential candidates say they're waiting for a sign from you that you want them to get into the race. A few Republicans already running swear they've already lined up your endorsement. You smirk at their audacity and contempt for logic.

Still, you love these Republican rascals, too, even though they embarrass you more than just about any other stiff-necked people you've ever had to deal with. On the rare occasions they repent of their self-righteousness, they can be quite adorable.

Take GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain. The former Godfather's Pizza CEO has been saying the most bigoted things possible about Muslims for months. Islamophobia isn't helping him.

This week, Mr. Cain apologized to American Muslims. Declaring himself "humble and contrite" after a meeting with Muslim leaders in Virginia, he agreed that Muslims "like all Americans, have the right to practice their faith freely and peacefully." Say what?

You may be God, but even you are impressed by this miracle.

Tony Norman

Tony Norman is a Pittsburgh Post-Gazette columnist. He was once the Post-Gazette’s pop music/pop culture critic and appeared as an expert on cultural issues on local radio talk shows and television programs. In 1996, he began writing an award-winning general interest column, which, he says, rejuvenated his enthusiasm for the kind of journalism that makes a difference.

Share This Article

More in: