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Happy Holidays to the War on Christmas

John Fugelsang

Just want to take a moment to wish ‘happy holidays' to all our friends angry because there's a ‘War on Christmas.' I'm worried about you guys. It's Christmas, and y'all are not very merry.

Every December - for years now - Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck, & the American Family Association have been whipping you into a frenzy because Christmas is under attack from secularists, Atheists, liberals, & random, nameless non-Christians - and the proof is that businesses aren't saying "Merry Christmas" anymore - they're saying "Happy Holidays."

AFA even lists businesses - like Radio shack - that Christians should boycott because their advertising says ‘Happy Holidays,' instead of actually invoking Jesus' birth to sell you guitar hero.

On my own block in NYC there's a combination headshop & porn emporium with a ‘Happy Holidays' sign in the window. I went in to complain, but they told me that Atheists and non-Christian believers buy porn and bongs, too.

They said they were trying to be inclusive for their customers by extending good will to everyone buying warming oil, blowup dolls & meth pipes this time of year.

Now, I'm not going to try to convince you that the war on Christmas is a big racket, where a majority gets upset because they're being forced to be considerate to minorities.

I could tell you that by protesting ‘Happy Holidays' you're confusing Christianity with Christian Supremacy. That you're not actually spreading the Gospel of Jesus' teachings, you're just imposing your taste on others.

You could fight for us to be a Christian nation by advocating for the poor, the sick, the lowest among us, but if you try and do that, certain Christians are gonna call you a socialist. Better to just get angry about his birthday.

I could tell you that Glenn Beck & Bill O'reilly trot this war on Christmas out every year cos it's good for ratings - while taking money from advertisers to air commercials that still say ‘Happy Holidays.'

I could tell you it seems kinda eerie to hear them warning a comfortable majority that their way of life is at risk because of an evil, spiritually inferior minority.

You could actually take an Eichmann speech, replace the word ‘Juden' with ‘Secularist' and let Beck read it on the air tonight. He'd probably be confused by all the references to Poland, but he'd be making the same points.

I could even tell you that the whole holiday is kinda crazy to begin with. Christmas is when we give material possessions as gifts to celebrate the birth of a man who renounced material possessions.

December 25th isn't even really Jesus' birthday. When the Roman Empire co-opted Christianity they chose that date as it was already their feast of the God Mythra. Now astronomers think Jesus may have really been born in June. And you're not angry over that? They're actually saying Jesus was a Gemini. I guess that would explain that whole temple freakout episode.

So I'll just put it this way - why do you hate Capitalism?

When a company chooses to say "happy holidays' instead of ‘Merry Christmas' they're only trying to be considerate to as many people as possible - because it's good business.

The only sin they've committed is attempting to not alienate their non-Christian customers.

It's sort of a rare example of business aligning with Jesus' teachings. They're trying to maximize profit, but at least they're doing it by being nice to people.

‘Happy Holidays' is an attempt to express love and good will to all - not just the ones in your own club. To wish joy on those of different faiths or unbelievers as much as you'd wish it on your fellow Christians.

The kind of wish that doesn't draw lines, that doesn't elevate your beliefs over someone else's. A greeting that just wishes happiness to all.

Because sometimes happy holidays is a lot more Christian than merry Christmas.

So Happy Holidays! The War on Christmas is over - if you want it.

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John Fugelsang is a comedian and GRITtv contributor.

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