Peace and prosperity reign in MAGA land, where this week the White House sent out a triumphant news release on a 62-page report celebrating its "scientific and technological accomplishments," gloriously highlighted by “ENDING THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC” thanks to Dear Leader's "decisive actions to engage scientists and health professionals in academia, industry, and government to understand, treat, and defeat the disease.” Describing dozens of super cool actions across multiple federal agencies that purportedly still exist, the report from the Office of Science and Technology doesn't mention climate change or its catastrophic impact but does assure us that, "Under President Trump’s leadership, the federal government has taken action to understand and protect our environment." Equally comforting is a statement from presidential adviser, renowned handbag hawker, vapid queen of gobbledegook and ad hoc expert in all things science Nepotism Barbie that thanks to her daddy, "America stands ready to solve today’s most pressing challenges." "For years to come," she gushes, "these achievements will guarantee the United States remains the world’s leader in research, discovery and the advancement of industries that will shape our future.” The regime also sent out a jubilant declaration - cue banner headline - that calls itself "a fact sheet." Trump's COVID response "Has Saved Over 2 Million Lives and Outperformed Other Nations," it proclaims, by following the science, protecting the vulnerable, ending harmful lockdowns and delivering new treatments and vaccines in his "Operation Warp Speed." It also vows, "We will vanquish the virus," which is a bit confusing seeing as how they already ended it, but okay then.
In all honesty, we're relieved to hear so much good news, because we were getting a bit worried. On Planet Earth, there was Mark Meadows announcing they've waved the white flag and decided "we're not going to control" the virus. And Trump's been saying for, what, like, 9 months that he's doing "an incredible job" and "we've made such progress" and it'll miraculously go away - these days, it's "we're rounding the corner" - but puzzlingly, it seems like it's still here. Also, that creepy Jared guy was just boasting Trump wrestled control away from the doctors, which sounds great except we didn't even realize he was a wrestler or a doctor. And now there are reports state contact tracers are overwhelmed by cases and the country is "woefully behind" on stockpiling medical gloves and other vital PPE for health care workers, with nursing homes especially facing massive shortages, and stories are emerging about the "absolute disaster" that's the government's failure to collect needed data after repeatedly undermining the CDC, and there was that recent study from Columbia University saying Trump's “abject failures” caused between 130,000 and 210,000 avoidable deaths, which seems too bad. Oh, and those numbers. The U.S. just reported a record high 90,400-plus new cases a day, or over one per second; this week, new COVID cases rose nationwide 26% on average, for a record total of 500,000 - oddly, the same week they said they "ended" it. We now have over 9 million cases, and almost 230,000 deaths, or 250 Benghazis every day for 10 months. Which, given all that ruckus about Benghazi and the email lady, does seem like...a lot. Still, Don. Jr. says deaths now are "almost nothing," and if you can't trust what he says, who can you trust?
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And it's not like the president hasn't done anything to help. In September, he invested $300 million of our money in an ad blitz to "defeat despair and inspire hope" about the pandemic, compiling a list of 250 celebrities who might say nice things about him under the moniker, “Helping the President Will Help the Country.” Sadly, most of the people on the Celebrity Participant Status Chart turned out to be socialists - Billie Eilish says he's destroying the country, George Takei doesn't think children should be put in cages, most believe in LGBTQ rights - and only 10 made the cut - Dr. Oz! Elon Musk was a maybe, but in the end none of the ads ran, all ten backed out, and now the radical Democrats are investigating a brilliant business project devised by Michael Caputo - now on a 60-day mental health break after an unfortunate Facebook rant - for covering up misuse of taxpayer money for political purposes. He's also trying to save us by getting us all sick, using an innovative "herd immunity" strategy without calling it that - proving, like Melania says, he has " “a very big heart.” That's so clear at his many, many rallies, where he's increasingly displaying Thin Blue Line flags, which are because he's "pro-cop all the way,” and of course not because he's a white supremacist like some people say. Besides, look how considerate he is at the rallies, like having trucks in Tampa spray water on people when they started passing out or having seizures from the heat. And he's looking out for us by warning us about the dangers of a Biden future, like when we'll have to eat spaghetti and meatballs through really complicated masks or when we'll have no heat in winter or A.C. in summer or even electricty. Like he said in Wisconsin, "You are so lucky I'm your president." We know, right?
The party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command. - 1984 by George Orwell