Antifah's Big Bags of Murder Soup: It's Incredible!

My work here is done. Time for soup. Getty Image

Rejoice: #SoupGate is upon us. Because, really, how else to respond to the deranged spectacle of our moronic fascist caught on video from July babbling to leaders of the National Association of Police Organizations about dangerous anarchists throwing cans of soup - also "big bags of soup" - at cops during protests. Reading stumblingly from his big-boy script, Trump lamented, "In cities across the nation, we’ve seen police officers assaulted with bricks, rocks, bats, Molotov cocktails, frozen bottles of water..." Then, thanks to an alarming report from "somebody," he veered wildly off script: "And then they have cans of soup. Soup. And they throw the cans of soup...And then, when they get caught, they say, ‘No, this is soup for my family.’ They’re so innocent. ‘This is soup for my family.’ It’s incredible." More from a famed "somebody": "And you have people coming over with bags of soup — big bags of soup. And they lay it on the ground, and the anarchists take it and they start throwing it at OUR cops, at our police....And then the media says, ‘This is just soup. These people are very, very innocent. They’re innocent people. These are just protesters. Isn’t it wonderful to allow protesting?’"

There's a lot to unpack here; thankfully, God made Twitter for just such occasions in what "shall hereafter be known as the Trump adminestrone." As in, "#SoupGate: Come at me."Many, many people offered a sober reality check on life in America right now. Deaths from COVID so far this year: 185,000. Deaths from gun violence last year: 39,494. Deaths by thrown soup can: 0. Others began passionately arguing class action suits on behalf of soup cans, calling for "law and chowder," urging common sense open-carry soup laws because "there are good cans on both sides," and insisting, "The only thing that can stop a bad man with cream of mushroom is a good man with chicken noodle." Many also summoned the spirit of Seinfeld's infamous #SoupNazi - "No soup for you" - aptly warning Trump, "You're pushing your luck little man." Finally, given the seriousness of the times, scriptures were consulted. “Let he who is without sin cast the first bisque,” intoned Better Call Saul's Michael McKean from Psoups 4:16. Also, “The SOUP is my shepherd; I shall not want" and "Blessed are the pea splitters." And, too, our native wit and resilience, which may yet see us through.


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