Pence At CPAC: All Right Now


Photo by Joshua Roberts/Reuters

Because it's not like there's anything else he should be doing these days, VP Mike Pence spoke Thursday at CPAC, the annual, wingnut-studded, paranoid-filled, "choleric mud puddle at the heart of the right-wing fever swamp" - aka the “largest and most influential gathering of conservatives in the world” - where this year's theme is the libs' "coup" against Our Great President and the associated evils of socialism. Never big on nuance, this year's event features a rolling, Avengers-movies-like panorama of coup-themed fantasy scenarios - from “The Coup on The Republic: A Prelude” to “The Coup: Impeachment - Hyped Slimes and Nancy’s Schemer” to “The Coup: A Witch Hunt Begins -  Hillary’s Ukrainian Insurance Policy” - all aimed at proving that "Mr. Trump has been treated very, very unfairly." There are also at least eight events on the dangers of socialism because, as Pence noted in astonishment, "the party of Harry Truman and JFK is actually on the verge of nominating an avowed socialist," though we have no idea who that might be. Pence appeared Thursday, the day after being terrifyingly and inexplicably named the Coronavirus Czar thanks to his strong scientific background and stellar record on handling epidemics. Just kidding.


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To reflect his optimism, Pence entered to the tune of "All Right Now," the fighting song for Stanford University's  marching band, which in 2016 sent Trump a mock cease-and-desist letter on "philosophical grounds"; they also noted the song is actually about "a dude trying to hook up with a meter maid," which Mother probably wouldn't like. But Pence was upbeat on the virus: Trump has taken “unprecedented actions” to protect Americans and the risk “remains low” and “We are ready for anything.” Still, he declared, “This is no time for partisanship.” Then he launched into an aggressively partisan spiel: America needs four more years of, and freedom works, and we need to win not just the next election but the next generation, and how great is it to be done with Obama, who was "sending pallets of cash to terrorists in Iran," and we need to get those commie Dems, especially the Jewish one. About ten minutes into Pence's remarks, a Trump-like protester with a ripped-stocking mannequin casually slung over his shoulder stood up near the front of the audience and began yelling about Trump's “white supremacy.” As security rounded him up and escorted him out, the zealous crowd of faithful broke into go-to, raucous chants of "USA!" "USA!" - but extremely non-partisan ones, so everything's all right.


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