After Trump Shoots Susan Collins In the Middle of 5th Avenue, She Says She's "Troubled" But Still Supports Him


Daily Grovel. Photo by Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty

Maintaining her decades-long record of ceaseless, craven, political posturing, Maine Sen. Susan Collins - or, our preferred term, former Sen. Susan Collins - continues to turn a blind but decorous and ever-troubled eye to Trump's atrocities and her own culpability in them. Days after her laughably earnest declaration that she thinks the stubbornly dimwit reality-show-host-turned-power-drunk-fascist-demagogue "has learned from this case" - to which said demagogue swiftly and pointedly responded, fuck no - Collins is still acting the part of useful idiot for a GOP increasingly beyond the democratic pale. Thus, amidst Trump's current, Jack-the-Ripper-like Revenge Tour, when a CNN reporter tracked her down to ask if she still thought Dear Leader had learned that historical lesson given his recent vindictive "actions," Collins turned alternately indignant and dumb as a rock. First, she ran away. Caught, she defiantly asked, "What actions?" Then, because she hates more than anything the notion she be held accountable for any of her scurvy feints, she went full furrowed-brow, launching into a huffy, mewling, self-righteous screed about how she couldn't possibly be expected to predict Trump's behavior and she hardly knows the guy and besides look at George Washington.

Soon after, as William Barr scrambled to rescue Roger Stone and the rule of law be damned, another reporter again asked Collins about her whole redemptive narrative, noting that Trump seems not reined in but rabidly off leash. This time, she noted Trump “often acts in an impulsive manner” and while it may seem he's emboldened, “I think the president was angered by impeachment and that is reflected in the personnel choices he made" - a mouthful of gobbledygook that isn't playing well among constituents well and truly done with the perennially "troubled," "concerned" and "disappointed" shtick of a fraud who just up and votes for all those troubling etc policies anyway. One typical response: "Go sit on a fence somewhere." Many constituents, weary of her hypocrisy, struggle to puzzle out what's behind it: Stupidity? Cowardice? Cynicism? Ineptness? Yes. "She's a caricature of something," muses one, "but I'm not sure what." She's also facing a tough re-election for a seat the GOP needs - give money here or here - which is why Lindsey "Spineless Sycophants Unite!" Graham has praised her "steady voice" and "unbelievable courage" per drunk rapists on the Supreme Court, and Trump will likely give her his famous Presidential Medal of Waffling. Until then, Andy Borowitz suggests Roger Stone be sentenced to 10 years of house arrest in Collins' home. A win-win.


Collins' favorite thing is running away when confronted about the catastrophic consequences of her actions


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And again


Thanks to the Volatile Mermaid for this joke. Afterwards, a bloodied Collins reportedly staggered up - demonstrating his usual expertise, Trump only winged her - and said she hopes Trump will learn a lesson from this.


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