The War On Thanksgiving

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Sigh. Our Dear Stable Genius has been busy: Babbling about his gorgeous chest to prove nope no way he had a Big Mac-inspired heart attack, posting perhaps in twisted response to same that bonkers picture of himself as Rocky Balboa, wondering why we waited 100 years to issue the Women's Suffrage Centennial Coin Act - his answer: because I'm president now - and spending $115 million, or the equivalent of 287 years of the presidential salary he's always boasting about not taking, on playing golf, with most of that going directly into his chubby coffers. In his latest venture into the deranged, he just made up a "War on Thanksgiving," claiming "some people" want to change the name even though, with our abundance of genocide-themed holidays, he seems to have confused it with Columbus Day and in fact "no people" have any idea what he's talking about. Evidently eager to give his peeps another reason to own the libs and get red-meat mad and forget about that whole impeachment thing, he told his rabid fans at a Florida rally that those unidentified sinister people - who we dunno we're just gonna guess here that maybe he means liberals - "don't want to use the term Thanksgiving," just like those heathens tried to murder Christmas, "but now everybody's using Christmas again. Remember, I said that?" "Now,  we're going to have to do a little work on Thanksgiving," he said, defiantly adding, "But everybody in this room I know loves the name Thanksgiving and we're not changing it."

Okay then. Except everyone was baffled. Did he mean Fox News' blather about cancelling Thanksgiving, or sensible talk (given the planet's on fire) about cutting back on flying and our holiday carbon footprint, aka in fevered MAGA minds liberals coming for your turkey? Despite having missed the memo, liberals gamely sought to answer the call with #WhatLiberalsCallThanksgiving: "The holiday you should talk to your relatives about impeachment," "the day the Obamas volunteer at homeless shelters while the Trumps dine on pheasants cooked by undocumented workers," "the holiday with turkey and stuffing that comes right before the impeachment of the 45th president," with a menu of all-immigrant food. Also: #WarOnThanksgiving, though some declined to join due to bone spurs, also wishbone spurs. Others offered grim war stories: gravy and covfefe running low, the enemy - turkeys - moving closer, attacks by pecan pies, the Battle of the Turkey Leg. A patriot who accidentally said "Happy Thanksgiving" was seized by a gang of radicals who "waterboarded me with kombucha and repeatedly threatened to give me healthcare." A guy lost an uncle at the Battle of Cranberry Hill, going upriver on a gravy boat ambushed by Col. 'Cornbread' Stuffing: "Bones everywhere." Poignant letters home: "Dear Martha, I hope this letter finds you well. Vegans are bombarding us with Tofurkey and we're down to cranberries still shaped like the can." And John Fugelsang: "War on Thanksgiving is over if you want it." Ditto, please, this lunatic political moment.

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