The Final Word From A Madman

Crazy old guy yelling on his lawn. Photo by Jacquelyn Martin/AP. Front photo by Mark Wilson/Getty

Despite what was universally viewed as "explosive" testimony from Gordon Sondland implicating him and almost every cretin who works for him in way impeachable crimes, a short time later a fat, old, orange lunatic inexplicably lumbered out onto his lawn to shout to dutifully waiting reporters that, "I would say that means it's all over." Still bellowing, he recounted a supposed conversation wherein he was asked, "What do you want from Ukraine?", repeated several times "I keep hearing all these different ideas and theories," and then, clutching notes in 6th-grade-Sharpie-penned letters big enough to see from the moon which as you know is part of Mars, frantically read/shrieked,“I WANT NOTHING. I WANT NOTHING. I WANT NO QUID PRO QUO. TELL ZELLINSKY (sic) TO DO THE RIGHT THING. THIS IS THE FINAL WORD FROM THE PRES OF THE U.S,” though he may have added without reading it aloud that it was a perfect call and Democrats are sick people to claim I ever lie because I know words and have the best memory and my brain works really, really good so please tell that Shifty Schiff to leave me alone and did you know I'm the THE PRES OF THE U.S. how crazy is that?! He also did his usual Stormy-and-Jeffrey-Who routine about the guy who gave him a million bucks, shouting, "This is not a man I know well." We wish we could say the same about him. Still, it was another good day for gleeful Twitter, also democracy.

Mark Wilson/Getty Images

I WANT NOTHING but I would like a favor...

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