The Best-Selling-and-Scamming Son In the World

 Aspiring tough guy. Proud family photo. Front photo New York Times

Because grifters gotta grift, all the evil Trumps are busy these days even as impeachment bears down on them. Hard on the heels of the Trump Foundation being forced to pay out $2 million for ripping off people in the name of charity, Eric's laughable jeremiad about corruption, hypocrisy and Gladiator, and Trump's lunatic claim that Princess Ivanka has created 14 million new jobs - over twice all the country's new jobs - Don Jr. is now a player in an unfolding drama of yet another impeachment. In the wake of his protest-strewn appearance last month at the University of Florida, the student body president who organized the event has been charged with malfeasance and abuse of power for using mandatory student fees to "further enrich" Don Jr., along with his ghastly former-Fox-host-now-Trump-"senior-advisor" girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle, to the tune of $50,000.

Michael Murphy, the student body head and a fervent Trump fan-boy, now faces an impeachment resolution brought by the student senate alleging Murphy violated school laws by advancing a political party at the expense of students he should universally represent - a charge supported by emails of him chatting up Trump officials. Because, as his famously cruel father is fond of proclaiming, Don Jr. has "the worst judgment of anyone he's ever met," the elder spawn also landed "between a rock and a racist place" last weekend at what was supposed to be the triumphant launch of his book "Triggered." Holding it at UCLA in hopes of infuriating liberal snowflakes, he was instead heckled and booed off the stage by a toxic mix of right-wing, alt-right and out-and-out Nazis - ie: his own awful peeps.

Still, little Donny - the "5th Avenue redneck" with an insatiable blood lust, the greasy "ultra-privileged elephant-murdering low-functioning sociopath"wrote a book! Critics describe a life story "heavily embellished and incredibly boring," full of tales of the hardships of his rich kid's life compared to “new-age Starbucks-chugging socialists in Brooklyn," like the time he drove past Arlington and the graves made him think of the terrible sacrifices his family's made by giving up some deals so they wouldn't look like the crooks they are, which was just like dying. Reviews have ranged from concise - "Fox News you can read on the toilet" - to gleefully excessive: "THIS IS THE GREATEST BOOK EVER WRITTEN, ALSO THE LONGEST, BY THE BEST SON IN THE WORLD, AND BY THE BEST I MEAN HE IS THE SMARTEST, EASILY THE SMARTEST SON THERE HAS EVER BEEN, AND THE BEST LOOKING AND THE BEST WRITER, WE HIRED THE BEST WRITER, I MEAN HE IS THE SMARTEST GOOD LOOKING BEST WRITER, WELL, YOU KNOW, EXCEPT FOR HIS FATHER."


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He is also, of course, the most faithful son, eternally grovelling for affection from his imperious, unkind father; on Twitter during Wednesday's impeachment hearings, eager to please, he frantically, breathlessly declared the proceedings a hoax, a sham, a joke, a farce. A few days before, the comedy duo The Good Liars had picked up that desperation and run with it, gifting his books in New York's Barnes and Noble with new covers. “Daddy, Please Love Me," they read. "How Everything I Do Is Try To Earn My Father’s Love.” They also moved them to the Young Adult section, and started the hashtag #DonnyLovesDaddy. Donny also loves annoying liberals, which was evidently his main motive for the book, unlike those who write books to be umm, you know, read. "It would trigger our haters coast to coast," he crowed, if the book made the (fake) NY Times bestseller list. Several hours later, he excitedly bragged it was #1. Minutes later, social media got real, and called bullshit. As usual, he'd bought his "success": Along with the list's inexplicable date of Nov. 24, many people noted a dagger next to the title, which denotes a bulk or special interest buy, so thanks Dad. They also cited multiple GOP fundraising emails urging donations in exchange for a free copy. SAD! "Good job little buddy. The bulk buy helped," wrote one.  Responded another, "I thought it meant the author was braindead."

"Everyone has a book in them and that, in most cases, is where it should stay." - Christopher Hitchens

Triggered at the triggered launch. Photo by Alex Brandon/AP

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