Syphilitic Chimpanzees Inc.


Sorry. This looks grossly big but we swear it's the usual size photo

Oh man, we can't even (again). On Monday, the "president's campaign team" released a new "Fine Art Poster" for Halloween. Titled "HOAXUS POCUS!" it yells "STOP THE WITCH HUNT!" It (sort of) portrays "Shifty Schiff, Nervous Nancy and Democrat Hack Jerry Nadler," though in truth he looks way more like William Barr in drag, as the witches in 1993's cult classic Hocus Focus. It also shows a heroic, unrecognizable Trump - trim physique, yuge hands - almost clutching a Stars and Stripes as he flies over D.C. in a crystal ball that he may or may not have stolen from the Saudis that time. "The Greatest Witch Hunt in the history of the USA continues," reads the text. "Stand with President Trump against this HOAX and purchase your Stop The Witch Hunt Limited Edition Fine Art Poster!" "Send a spooky message to Pelosi, Schiff & Nadler that Trump won and they should get over it!" the team tweeted, adding that the three Dems are "the only people scared this Halloween," which we gotta tell you is so not true based on the number of people even we know who are having nervous breakdowns about the demise of our democracy.

The "art" poster, which sells for $24 - there are also shirts for $30 - raises so many questions. Foremost, do these people really not know that witches are not the hunters in a witch hunt, but persecuted women accused of witchcraft who were burned at the stake for locking up children and other alleged offenses? And do they know that deer aren't the hunters in a deer hunt? Also: What team staffer's unfortunate fourth-grader drew this, and is he/she faring OK with classmates who can admittedly be less than kind? Why does Trump have a starburst in his crotch? Why did his left hand start out bigger than it ended up? While it seems apt to offer a Halloween-themed item - Trump is scary, orange, hollow, needs tossing in November - why did they post it so late they had to add a disclaimer it's "not guaranteed for delivery by Halloween," though their merch is all 75% off so how busy can they be? What planet do these people live on? Will this end soon? Etc. Final word goes to Mick Garris, one of the original Hocus Pocus creators, who declares himself "disgusted by this putrid act of evasion," shreds "satire" so inept it's "as if drawn by a syphilitic chimpanzee," and speaks for us all with his command, "Leave our witches alone, oh Evil One."


In hopes of cleansing your eyes and soul from their "art,"  the original

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