One Nation United By Hygge: Weary Americans Welcome Their Enlightened New Danish Owners

Photo collage by Denmark Meteorology Institute and Wonkette

Okay so maybe little Donnie can't buy Greenland, the latest shiny object of his cold dark dumb heart's desire, after snickering pols there and in Denmark retorted in no uncertain terms it's “open for business, but not for sale,” and what is this lunatic idiot's problem anyway? Still, Twitter had a riotous time with this new diversion from our apocalyptic reality. So many questions, so little time before none of this is even remotely amusing: Will Mexico pay for it? Did Ivanka ask for a Greenland? What about helping Flint and Puerto Rico instead? Does he think it's green and ripe for his inevitable golf course? Should we rent it first to see if we like it? Maybe see if he can find it on a map before letting him buy it? Will he fill it with brown people, sexual assault accusers, Democrats and MSNBC pundits? Will our president, that "enormous drooling git," accept this enticing, Nigerian-Prince-flavored offer? "Honored sirs," it read. "I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”


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Tough call, but faithful Twitter was there with advice: "Make sure you get the money up front." Also, "He'll just smother it in gold leaf and try to flip it to Norway," "There goes infrastructure week," and, "Let us know when you will be free to pick up the Internet you have just won." The New Yorker's Andy Borowitz was right behind them. After the Danish government reiterated that Greenland is not for sale, he reports, they noted "during the Trump regime pretty much everything in the United States, including its government, has most definitely been for sale.” Thus did Denmark then offer to purchase the United States "in its entirety, with the exception of its government." If its bid is accepted, Denmark adds, it has big plans:  “We believe that by giving the U.S. an educational system and national health care, it could be transformed from a vast land mass into a great nation.” Denmark! Free college tuition, healthcare, child care. Paid vacation and parental leave.  Living wage, progressive taxation, the blissful characteristic hygge making all things cozy. "Sold!" proclaimed one eager patriot. "When can we expect delivery?" From a weary, battered populace mired in our national nightmare, the grateful consensus burst forth: "Thank God."


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