We Move Under Cover to Terminal One: When the Revolutionary Army Triumphed Though They Ran Out of Hardtack and Covfefe

 

The famed Battle of Baggage Claim (1776): Many Lives were lost. And Bags too. Some people are saying it was the worst massacre they had ever seen.

Behold the glory of our great revolutionary heroes, proclaimed General Bonespurs at his tank-bedecked sham of a July 4 spectacle, where he babbled and chittered and dutifully read his lines with all the substance and gravitas "of a mid-tier wedding dj." Mostly, weirdly, he narrated the grand bloody history of a Continental Army that "suffered a bitter winter of Valley Forge, found glory across the waters of the Delaware, and seized victory from Cornwallis of Yorktown,” inexplicably drifting into the War of 1812 before triumphantly declaring, "Under the rockets’ red glare, (it) had nothing but victory. When dawn came, the star-spangled banner waved defiant.” En route, however, he went entirely off the rails detailing the arduous journey: “Our Army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over airports, it did everything it had to do." Say what? responded Twitter, which had at it. #RevolutionaryWarAirportStories took off faster than most planes out of Atlanta, with tragic tales of the battle of Jet Blue, the hardships of Paul Revere's red-eye flight, the shortage of pretzels and hardtack on layover in New York, the high price  for parking horses at Dulles, and Washington's historic delay due to long lines at Continental.

There were mournful letters home, tragic tales of flying carriages overbookethed, and gripes about having to check muskets, put ye power hornes in ye olde bins, and limit gunpowder to three-ounce containers. To wit: "Dear James, We ran out of covfefe near a fortnight ago. We raided the planes’ hospitality carts to no avail. The Redcoats had diamond status and entered the jetway before us. I fear the Dunkin’ at Gate 35B has been overrun...Dearest, the battle for gate C4 was hard fought, but we prevailed. Alas, we ran out of ammunition and had to lob our stores of Cinnabons at them. The sacrifices of war try our souls...This will likely be my last text for awhile. My iphone has only 10% battery power & Benedict Arnold has infected all the airport charging stations with Russian spyware...The British are coming but they had a 3 hr delay in Atlanta....Dearest Martha, whilst I have landed safely in Philadelphia, my horse was misrouted to New York. I shan’t be to camp in time as I am stuck waiting for the next nonstop from LaGuardia...Due to the recent government shutdown, our in-flight entertainment has been downgraded to two drummers and a fifer...As the Red Coats advanced through the terminal, we knew our time was running short. Morale was depleted, boarding began in mere minutes, the battle of Logan Intl had begun." Sometimes you gotta love Twitter.

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