Trump Comes Clean (Finally)


 Photo by Paul Sancya/AP

Today at a Rose Garden ceremony belatedly celebrating the fiftieth anniversary of the inauguration of President Richard M. Nixon, President Trump said he regretted that thousands of children were still being held in custody at the U.S.-Mexican border, many without adequate medical care. “It is a tragedy, and I am totally responsible,” he said. He went on to say “I created a crisis at the border solely to fuel my base of supporters, for no reason other than my own political survival.”

After an awkward moment of silence, Mr. Trump said “I have lied again and again to the American people – about voting irregularities in the 2016 election, about the motives of my Democratic critics in Congress, and, yes, about my knowledge of and agreement to Putin’s role in helping me become president.” Wiping his eyes, Mr. Trump then commenced a string of apologies. “I apologize for criticizing the FBI and Justice Department when they were only trying to do their jobs,” he said. “I apologize for calling the press ‘enemies of the people,’” and “I apologize for criticizing judges who I disagreed with but were working honorably within our Constitutional system of checks and balances.”

Mr. Trump went on to express regret for “personally profiting from my presidency, and for appointing people – including my daughter and son-in-law -- who have also profited from their offices.” He also said "I should never have tried to end the Affordable Care Act, on which millions of Americans depend." Turning to foreign policy, he said “I should never have praised blood-thirsty dictators while criticizing America’s traditional friends around the world.”


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Then, nearly breaking down, Mr. Trump expressed remorse “for sowing hate and division” in America.” He said “I have put a cloud over this presidency and disgraced this great country, for which I will feel ashamed for the rest of my life.” He then announced he was resigning the presidency effective immediately. “I hope my decision begins a process of healing,” he said, brushing away tears. “I hope April 1, 2019 will be remembered as the day I came clean.”

Thanks, we guess, to Robert Reich, for what one reader called "the saddest April Fool's prank ever."

One of our new enemies of the people. Reuters photo


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