I Mean, I Walk, I This, I That: The Dawn of the Girther Movement


For some reason - maybe his relentless, pathological compulsion to lie about EVERYTHING - many Americans of good faith are expressing skepticism about the purported results of Trump's recent medical exam, which found him in "excellent" health despite what most normal people see as his morbid obesity and inability to string two sentences together, or, come to think about it, even one. According to Dr. Ronny Jackson, Trump scored 30 out of 30 on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, a brief screening test for dementia - NOT I.Q., paranoia, malignant narcissism, soullessness, bigotry, personality disorder or other mental illness - involving basic recall, language and abstraction skills. For three points, one problem offered pictures of a lion, camel and rhinoceros and asked the test taker to name each. Given his perfect score, Trump apparently successfully navigated that formidable mind-bender, thus proving he is eminently qualified to have the nuclear codes. We feel better already.

His reported height of 6'3' and weight of 239 pounds - commodiously one pound under obesity - likewise sparked suspicion. Doctors questioned the notion that the health of a tubby, sedentary 71-year-old who lives on Big Macs and has astronomical cholesterol numbers can reasonably be called "excellent." Late-night hosts did too, with more jokes. And Twitter, clarifying the issue was not fat-shaming but lie-shaming, proclaimed the dawn of the Girther Movement, "a scandal of such large proportions as to match the massive year we're having." Thus: "He should release the long-form girth certificate...I've got people in Hawaii looking into his weight - you won't believe what they're finding...I want my doctor to weigh me on the same scale...He's 239 in dog years...on the moon... in your dreams." Word of the serfs' grumbling moved Trump to tell Reuters, "I get more exercise than people think.” "I get exercise. I mean I walk, I this, I that,” he said. “I run over to a building next door." Once, he got on a treadmill: "It was at a very steep angle, and I was there for a very long time.” He added that the sycophants watching him were surprised: "'That’s amazing,' they said." We know, right? All of it.

6'3" Trump with 6'1" Obama. Wait....

The excellently healthy Trump

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