Trump Says Frederick Douglass Is Doing An Amazing Job Making All His Friends Rich In Nambia

King Leopold explores Africa's "tremendous business potential."

With death lurking daily - either from our impending un-health care and the mountain of lies being told about it or from an understandably pissed North Korea threatening to take revenge on our "deranged" leader by setting off a hydrogen bomb in the Pacific Ocean - we're thinking about moving to Nambia. It actually doesn't exist - though Namibia does - but that didn't stop the ever-well-informed Trump from praising its health care to African leaders at the U.N., painstakingly reading its name aloud twice among all the other foreign-type countries he'd clearly never heard of before.

Cue a particularly riotous online response on the wonders of Nambia - where everyone has an Emmy and large hands, where the three to five million illegal immigrants who gave Hillary the popular vote win came from, where the climate's between Narnia and Middle Earth, where Frederick Douglass is organizing refugees from the Bowling Green Massacre, where the government's so broke they're selling off letters from their name, where Trump U plans to open a campus offering a degree in Colonial Profiteering. And don't forget their great covfefe.

Still, Nambia was the fun part. Things got more weird and venal when Trump did his best mindless imitation of King Leopold, brutal colonizer and "Butcher of Congo" during whose reign of profit-seeking terror he killed, enslaved and cut off the hands of thousands of Africans. Trump got as far in his script as citing Africa's "tremendous business potential" before veering disastrously off-course into one of his surreal ad-libs.


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“I have so many friends going to your countries trying to get rich," he said, smiling broadly. Exhibiting his usual level of emotional intelligence - and thus evidently failing to notice the stunned silence from leaders of countries that have faced hundreds of years of plunder and devastation from imperialist adventures - Trump plunged forward. "I congratulate you - they’re spending a lot of money,” he smirked. "It's really become a place they have to go." Thank God so far he's too lazy, inept and ill-informed to, Kurtz-like, join them. Still, pray for Nambia, and us.

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