America To Dear Leader: This Is Not First Hand, and You Are A Freaking Moron


Because everything he touches turns to foul dust, people are some done with Trump's tasteless, bungled-if-only-three-hour-long  stopover in Texas, aka "Grifter Hat Salesman and Stilettoed Wife Swing Through Texas For Backslapping Orgy." There was so much to offend: the really-don't-give-a-shit "good luck" message before, the giddy praise of the "epic" storm without evidently ever considering the people it was affecting, the oblivious "better than ever before" recovery boast before the fact, and of course the grotesque "what a crowd! what a turnout!" pep rally as thousands struggled, suffered and lost everything they had.

Worse: Once Little Donnie came home, he importantly proclaimed, "After witnessing first hand the horror & devastation caused by Hurricane Harvey, my heart goes out even more so to the great people of Texas!" Never mind the even-more-so crime against syntax - this is a lie. He didn't witness anything first hand. He was nowhere near horror and devastation. He was miles away, in Austin and Corpus Christi, where the streets were dry. During his traumatic three hours, he didn't meet a single storm victim, or see an inch of rain, or visit a shelter, or talk to anyone who'd lost anything, or ask to. He stood on a firetruck, blathered briefly and pointlessly to a handful of deplorables, went home, and lied.

This sickness is nothing new. But somehow it still boggles the mind. Why lie, when any news watcher/reader knows it's a lie? When it then inevitably requires the latest purveyor of the claim that, no, really, the Emperor does have clothes on - this week, Sarah Huckabee Sanders - to trot out before the media to explain that he "met with a number of state and local officials," and the governor, and the mayor, and got "detailed briefing information" from "people on the ground" - thus offering the definition of experiencing an event second, or maybe, third hand. Other hapless minions scrambled around to find documentary proof of his first hand account: It showed him staring at a screen.

Because only a fraction of Americans are as stupid as our "president" and his followers, this did not go over well. People did, however, have a pretty riotous time savaging him. They produced proof they had witnessed first hand the Civil War (picture of cannon), the building of the Parthenon (animation), the Grand Canyon (topographical map) and the sinking of the Titanic (Leo and Kate on the prow). They clarified that "Trump's friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from a guy who knows this kid who saw the horror first hand." And they questioned the veracity of those accounts. "This is patently false," protested one critic. "Trump doesn't have any friends." Good point. And no wonder.


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Update on that vital trust issue: The response from former ethics chief Walter Schaub on Trump's alleged offer to donate a million dollars to Harvey victims in his occasional, hopeless efforts to prove he's a human being, not a hideous bot.



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