Mooch We Hardly Knew Ye
In his (brief) glory. Getty photo
Pity the poor Mooch, who had a busy week. His wife dumped him, he skipped the birth of his son, and after just ten glorious clusterfuck days on the job - and two weeks before it was actually scheduled to start, a new record for even this apocalyptic White House - human punchline Anthony Scaramucci was summarily booted from his shiny new gig; he was also reportedly escorted out of the building so he couldn't take any souvenirs with him. Because cat videos are only one reason Al Gore invented the Internet, Scaramucci's spectacular flame-out inspired a jubilant flood of Mooch memes, GIFs and wisecracks along the lines of, "I've had naps/hook-ups/periods/tanks of gas/hold times on the phone with Comcast that lasted longer than his job."
People lamented that he'd spent all that tedious time deleting anti-Trump tweets, his direct deposit hadn't even kicked in, he'd have to create both Eharmony & LinkedIn profiles in the same week, SNL didn't even get to air their first Mooch skit. They figured out that if you'd bought avocados the day he was hired, they might not yet be ripe, and they conjured new Biblical Moochisms: "Let he who hasn't started a new job, divorced, cussed out his coworkers on tv and gotten fired in 10 days throw the first stone."
In one final indignity - and either a stellar troll or bizarro mistake - the Mooch's alma mater Harvard Law School listed him as dead in the new edition of their alumni directory released this week. "Regrettably, there is an error in (the) directory," a Harvard spokeswoman told the Washington Post. "We offer our sincere apologies to Mr. Scaramucci." Perhaps because he has been otherwise occupied, Scaramucci evidently did not respond to WaPo’s request for clarification on whether or not he is dead.
We suspect he's home, or maybe in his new hotel room, re-reading last year's "Hopping Over the Rabbit Hole: How Entrepreneurs Turn Failure Into Success," a book that "gives you the skills, insight, and mindset you need to be one of the winners" and "shows you how to use adversity to your ultimate advantage, and build the skills you need to respond effectively to the unexpected." It got mixed reviews, from those who deemed helpful its many maxims - "If fired, be as classy as possible" - to those who deemed them "platitudes," "no-brainers" and "bragadocious lies from a terrible human being." Its author: Anthony Scaramucci.