Praise Be: Never Has There Been A President

Praise Be: Never Has There Been A President


Okay, so we really don't wanna write again about our appalling Trash Monster, but things just keep getting weirder. On Monday, Trump held his first full Cabinet meeting, a surreal, sycophantic, ring-kissing, "Great-Leader-esque" televised spectacle wherein the delusional and grovelling participants, respectively, saw one thing and the rest of the world saw another. A smirking Trump crowed about all his great (fictional) legislative and economic achievements that “nobody would have believed” and how "never has there been a president" so good at presidenting ever, well, except maybe for FDR and some other guys, but almost never. Then he turned to every flunky, toady and suck-up pertly seated around the shiny table and asked, sad-and-needy-child-like, Whaddya think guys (and one woman, Betsy DeVos, who doesn't count)? Aren't we doing great?

One by one, they forfeited whatever sliver of humanity that remains to them, bent low, and obliged their Great Leader. It would have been obscene if it hadn't been so bizarre. Mike Pence: “Greatest privilege of my life, to serve as vice president to a president who’s keeping his word to the American people.” Reince Priebus:  “We thank you for the opportunity and blessing to serve your agenda. “You’ve set the exact right message,” said Jeff Sessions. “The response is fabulous around the country.” "You are a good, good boy," said everyone else, basically. Now can we get paid?

The rest of the world, watching in horror, declared the boot-licking extravaganza "deeply weird," "terribly pathetic," "monumentally embarrassing," "a bad episode of The Apprentice," "an ass-kissers' convention," "an interminable cabinet spray," "a snuff film for American democracy," "Knights of the Dumb Table," "Good Morning, Pyongyang" in D.C., "tin-pot dictator shit,""easily the worst queer softcore I have ever seen," and, from one longtime "one of the most exquisitely awkward public events" ever. One noted the startling absence of a burnt offering; another added in mock surprise, "I didn't know could legally air a full on circle jerk."

Seeking historical parallels, others chimed in with this and this. One of the more high-profile trolls was Chuck Schumer, who gathered his staff for a parody tribute. Ultimately, they break down cackling, because he who laughs last...


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