Through the Venal Looking Glass, the Donald's Doing Swell

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 A moment for the vomit-spewing elephant in the room, who thanks to his breathtakingly inept campaign also keeps turning up in our in-box with messages that start with, "Friend" followed by desperate scammy requests for money in exchange for swag: Signed Trump Bumper Stickers for up to $2,500! Tour of Trump Campaign HQ at Trump Tower on Trump Planet! Your own signed copy of Art of the Deal - now out of print because everybody already bought it, or not - for just $184! Lunch with Eric Trump to talk about Making America Great Again! Personalized Signed Team Trump yard signs, like Idiotic Racist Smith Family For Trump! Trump Presidential Campaign Gold Card Membership, originally $200, now yours for only $49! "Join the Big League by donating today!" Etc.

The pleas come amidst Trump's ongoing crimes against decency, civility, syntax and any semblance of competence; riotous ridicule of his candidacy in many quarters - from a bizarro Tumblr art project to the hashtag in honor of his singularly ill-informed spokesperson, with classics like "Obama shot J.R.," and "One of the most important moments in civil rights history was Larry King's 'I have a dream' speech" - and sinking poll numbers, with FiveThirtyEight giving Clinton an 86-90% chance of winning.

Still, Trumpsters are a hardy if deluded lot - 70% reportedly believe that a Clinton win would be a rigged win - so they are making up new numbers, sources and claims of media bias to explain the debacle. Their Mainstream Media Accountability Survey offers a startling peek into their alternate universe, with 25 leading questions to prove that, yes, the media unfairly characterizes people of faith, ignores the failure of Obamacare, believes social justice activists are re-writing American history, takes their great leader's statements out of context, turns a blind eye to Planned Parenthood's worst actions, "wrongly attributes gun violence to 2nd Amendment rights" and does other bad stuff. Seeking to combat the obviously skewed polls, the right-wing also did their own unassailable poll; alas, it likewise found that Clinton really is winning.


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In a final bid for fictional supremacy, Trumpettes have turned to the exceedingly murky, a polling outfit that vows to “remove the bias in the polls” with a methodology that's been compared to electoral fan fiction. Miraculously, LongRoom's numbers show Trump leading Clinton by 0.6%. "It is a mathematical certainty," it promises, "that as the election approaches, all of the polls will begin to match the polls here." Just in case, someone's also created Zip, a question-and-answer smartphone app its maker publicized on Facebook, sent to thousands of people "probably over 13," and promises is "completely neutral on all fronts." And guess what? Trump's winning on it! Still, even if the sociopathic Trump mindset fails to bring victory, don't forget: He has ginned up so much misguided, ill-informed, mindless hatred for and fury at the press - along with much of America - that we'll still have this guy, swinging by the press pen at a Florida rally and randomly bellowing, "My name is American patriot, and you're a traitor!", living in our country.

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