Drain Clogged? Jeb! Can Fix It

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Entering the ragged environs of Desperation City, former front-runner and current laughingstock Jeb! Bush has decided to reboot his tottering campaign with the release of a 730-page e-book of his no-doubt-gripping, years-old emails (while failing to redact social security numbers) and a rousing new "Jeb Can Fix It!" tour based on a slogan so inane and ambiguous it's swiftly attracted an avalanche of ridicule focused on dishwashers and squeaky doors and the assurance that "Jeb will do the stuff that will fix the things!" just as soon as he figures out what they are.

Following the most disastrous week of a consistently inept campaign - simpering debate performance, head of campaign quits, staff salaries slashed, hasn't heard of Rubio memo - Jeb! is scheduled to launch his new tour with a banner and speech in Tampa. He plans to talk about "an era of new possibility" and being "hopeful and optimistic" and running a campaign about "principles" and "leadership" and "action - doing, not just talking" and being a candidate "that believes we're on the verge of greatness but it’s going to require the leadership skills to fix things.” The imprecise nature of his goals led social media to respond with something less than kindness.

Samples: "#JebCanFixIt actually refers to the 2000 election in Florida...Hey, my dishwasher is making a weird noise. #JebCanFixIt. ...Shopper with more than ten items in the express checkout? #JebCanFixIt ...Worried about a third Bush presidency?#JebCanFixIt...Hardwood floors with water damage? #JebCanFixIt....It's 3:00 am, a pipe bursts, the homeowner is distraught, a plumber van shows up: #JebCanFixIt...Don't have time to make lunch? #JebCanFixit. Got a war that won't start itself? #JebCanFixIt...If It's Not Broken, #JebCanFixIt..." Etc.

At his speech in Tampa, Jeb! compared himself to Lincoln, dismissed all the "foolishness" he's had to endure, vowed to “turn Washington DC upside down," and exited to "Don't Stop Believing." For all that, and for his idiotic campaign, and for all the unfixable damage his family has inflicted on this country, he deserves everything that's coming to him. 

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