Jeb! Is Who Jeb! Is Which Is the (Admittedly Improbable) New Face of America!

Jeb! Is Who Jeb! Is Which Is the (Admittedly Improbable) New Face of America!

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If you haven't heard, a new clown named Jeb!, last name unknown, has joined the GOP crowd in the car, declaring that “Jeb is different than George, and Jeb is who he is,” and he's "not just another member of the club" or one of the "pampered elites," and “In this country of ours, most improbable things can happen," and "We will get back on the side of free enterprise and free people," and "we can fix this," though it's not quite clear what "this" is, except oblivious, sad-sack, self-serving products of the empire running for president to preserve it.

Jeb!'s campaign launch has been a tad rough: Mean people mocked Jeb!'s new/old cartoony-looking logo, which is the same as when he ran for governor 20 years ago and is so badly colored some of our 12-year-old daughters could do better, saying it reminded them of Big Lots! and Dog Treats! and anyway howcum Jeb! can't even remember his last name, and besides if he's dumb enough to forget it or dishonest enough to pretend it's not his then why would anyone vote for him? Also these hairy gay guys, aka Big Bad Bears, absconded with the jebbushforpresident.com domain name to have a conversation about equality and gay rights. And evidently ingenious Die Hard freaks snuck some inside jokes into Jeb!'s campaign website source code, including synopses of all five Die Hard movie plots and the message, "Please, God, just let this franchise die."

 

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Also, just as Jeb! was working up to his big announcement after the carefully orchestrated Cuban singers had proven his credentials as “the new face of America,” a rowdy group of 20 immigration activists interrupted Jeb! to protest his threat to reverse Obama's planned legal recognition of undocumented immigrants, and call for reform of an immigration system so inept and inhumane that agents tasked with giving "credible fear" interviews to migrant border crossers last year signed off on written testimony that they interrogated and held one Y.F. who had left his home country to "look for work," even though Y.F. was, it turned out, three years old. And Jeb!'s staff were evidently so spooked by the possibility that other sinister three-year-olds might show up to try and steal jobs that, even before Jeb! appeared, they removed seven children of a family who had traveled five hours to hear Jeb! as "a security threat."

So okay. We all make mistakes. Jeb! is still in to win because, "We need a president willing to challenge and disrupt the whole culture in our nation’s capital," and if he isn't a fresh face even if he doesn't have a last name, then who is? And anyways, "America deserves better," which is some hard to argue with.

Update: Colbert/Trump announces an announcement!

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