An Oklahoma podiatrist has designed the Bodyguard Blanket, a bulletproof pad offering "an extra layer of protection" against "90% of all weapons that have been used in school shootings in the United States." In their soft-focus, schmaltzy-music-festooned video, kids romp on "just an ordinary day" until - dark music for "when seconds count" - they dutifully strap on their blankets and hunch on the floor under some capitalist's wet dream of a money-making scheme because that's all the kids will have thanks to gutless politicians who've failed to do anything else to protect them against our national lunacy, and alas no this is not The Onion.
Update: Hey, look, another school shooting, this time in Oregon. Money to be made.
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Update 2: According to Everytown For Gun Safety, today's was the 74th school shooting since Sandy Hook. We can't think of any jokes to make about this.