Kissing the Zionist Ring: Sheldon Adelson Considers Who To Buy for the Next Election

Abby Zimet

This weekend's most skeevy spectacle featured an unseemly parade of GOP presidential hopefuls trooping out to Las Vegas to scrape, bow and pander before 80-year-old Israel lover, crackpot kingmaker and casino gazillionnaire Sheldon Adelson - $40 billion and counting - at a Republican Jewish conference just cringingly crass enough for a Robert Altman movie. Amidst much Vegas glitz, Jeb Bush, Rand Paul, Chris Christie, John Kasich, Scott Walker and others came to genuflect before Adelson, who in the last election dumped over $20 million into a super PAC for Newt Gingrich, reportedly spent even more on Romney and praised Mike Huckabee as “a great person, a great American and a great Zionist.” More recently, in Israel, he bought a right-wing website and paper deemed "the mouthpiece of one man - the prime minister," and started a school for entrepreneurship. How low did the lowly supplicants have to go? This low: Chris Christie had to do humble penance for telling a story in which he inadvertently referred to the Occupied Territories as "the Occupied Territories" - as dubbed by one observer, "Baby did a bad bad thing" - for which crime he spent much of the weekend furiously backpedalling and clarifying he was "an unwavering friend and committed supporter of Israel, and was sorry for any confusion that came across as a result of the misstatement," an act of obeisance that put to shame Scott Walker's modest move of telling Adelson how he puts up a menorah every holiday season. Alas, maintaining his reputation as "a true wild card," Adelson failed to endorse any of them, or as Andy Borowtiz puts it, he declined to buy any of the “third-rate grab bag of has-beens and dimwits.” For this indignity and so much more, we thank you, Citizens United.

GOP Strippers in Vegas

Whether its super-rich Jews in Vegas, super-rich Christians in Virginia Beach, or super-rich Muslims in Buffalo, there's just something crazy creepy about gatherings of religion-based political groups. Fuck, it's creepy that this is what politics has come to in the United States: pleasing the oligarchs. It's even creepier when the aforementioned Jews in Vegas, the Republican Jewish Coalition, met this past weekend because essentially the event was all just a chance for potential presidential candidates to do a shimmying striptease in front of gratuitously wealthy billionaire, Sheldon "Poster Child for Everything Wrong in America" Adelson.

Adelson is the owner of the Venetian Hotel and Casino, the Sands Convention Center, and loads of other shit. His money is made from gambling and the availability of legal whores, so, of course, he is the Uncle Sugar of the Republican Party. And he's a Jew. That's significant because he bankrolls the RJC and the RJC, while also concerned about general Republican nonsense (which mostly is "Fuck that Obama"), it is mega-concerned with Israel. The RJC has an Israel dildo so far up its ass that they yell, "Bibi!" when they ejaculate. This means, of course, that if you're a Republican, you better say that you will stone cold murder anyone who throws the stink eye at Israel. You better shut that shit about giving rights to Palestinians. You better be willing to bomb the fuck out of Iran. Otherwise, if you just blow Israel's circumcised cock and neglect the balls, like Obama, you are not a "friend" to the Jewish state.

So it was at the RJC's Spring Leadership Meeting, and what a time it was. What with war criminal and former VP Dick Cheney defending the NSA at the Gala Dinner, a poker tournament where the buy-in was probably more than most of us make in a year, and a chance to watch madman John Bolton talk about what a pussy President Obama is, it was like a bar mitzvah on top of a Gaza missile strike of a party.

The big event was, of course, watching the current and former governors take their clothes off to audition for lead stripper in the GOP. First up was Wisconsin's Scott Walker, who went for an oldie but a goodie: the feather fan dance. His delicate little prance was all tease and no real show, except for the top of his ass when he turned his back and winked at Adelson, saying, "It's a sad commentary where we're at in American society that sometimes I get called courageous just because I kept my word." He gave his room key to Adelson when he said that he put up a menorah on Hanukkah. Adelson handed it off to a flunky because he gets one erection a cycle, and he wasn't gonna waste it on Walker.

Then New Jersey's Chris Christie came out like a meth-craving slut at a South Amboy truck stop/all-nude club. He was down to a g-string about two minutes into his 40-minute speech, tossing out incomprehensible-but-tough-sounding bullshit like "I am not in this business to win the argument. I am in this business to win elections." Then he ripped off the g-string and bent over to present his puckered asshole to Adelson when he talked about meeting Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin "The Greatest, Braves Living Man Living" Netanyahu: "I was extraordinarily taken by his strength and resolve under circumstances that none of us can imagine." Except, oops, looks like while he was standing there, Christie ended up farting. He said, "I took a helicopter ride from the occupied territories," and those last two words are apparently the worst thing you can say ever because Christie had to let Adelson's personal assistant fuck his ass later while Adelson giggled and clapped and threw hundreds at them both.

It just gets even sadder and creepier. Ohio's John Kasich tried to spin his nipple tassels in opposite directions by mentioning how he was installing a Holocaust memorial at the statehouse. The day before, Jeb Bush, at a VIP dinner for him (code for "Sheldon wants you so he doesn't have to remember a new president's name"), twerked it up as he talked about immigration and chided Obama for what he called "American passivity" in the world, despite all the drone murder and NSA surveillance.

Adelson will determine who will be the nominee at some point in the near future because he believes in, what do you call it, democracy? Sure. Let's go with that.

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