With God On Our Side: Raffling Rifles, Silencing Women, Damning Bill Maher and Gifting Us A Candidate Who's A Christian Deliverer (And Rapist and Felon)

Abby Zimet

Ever wonder why God allows so much bad stuff to happen in the world? Wonder no more: Turns out he/she is way busy fulfilling right-wing wet dreams. To wit: A New York pastor gave away an AR-15 during the service, arguing "This is doing exactly what we've always done for the last two thousand years since Jesus walked the shores of Galilee.” An Arizona pastor at the Faithful Word Baptist Church urged the women in his congregation not to say "amen" because God said "let the women learn in silence with all subjection," quoting Corinthians: “Let your women keep silence in the churches, for it is not permitted unto them to speak, as it is commanded to be under obedience as also sayeth the law. And if they will learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is shameful for women to speak in the church.” Creationist Ken Ham called on God, who until now has admittedly been longsuffering, to damn atheist funnyman Bill Maher and other "God-haters" to die not once but twice on the day of judgment, because, again, the Bible: “But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death” (Revelation 21:8). Thankfully, amidst all this ungodliness, we have Glenn Champ, 48, a gubernatorial candidate in California "of all-American Christian heritage" and "a fighter (for) the Republican Party." A small contractor "that makes the crooked places straight and the rough places smooth," he finished high school but "would not stand for the unbiblical, communist, socialist, curriculum brain washing in college," nor will he now accept abortion, gun control or any other "ungodly legislation drafted by demonic terrorist extremists." In these difficult times, Champ is "a deliverer to lead the way back to righteousness and prosperity." He is also a registered sex offender, having spent a decade in prison on convictions for voluntary manslaughter and two counts of assault with intent to commit rape. His slogan is, "Doing Things God's Way." So, see, with all these people calling on him/her, God's busy.

"CHAMP represents a new breed of Christian soldier moving forward in the army of the lord, on the highway of righteousness, stomping on the devil’s head, with a new song of righteousness’s in our hearts. Amen."

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